What do you do about regrets?

Question

I have many regrets in my life and don't know how to deal with them.

I feel bad that I could not help my ex-husband and daughter move out of the house that they were living in. My ex-husband wants me to get back together with him so that we can live as a family again. He is moving and wanted me to help and be with him during the move.

I feel bad that I could not be there for my daughter during her growing up years. She is 15 now and I have not been a strong presence in her life since she was 10. I still communicate with her, but do not take care of her on a daily basis.

I feel bad when I hear my ex-husband's statement that I am 100% responsible for his stress in life.

I have also let my ex-husband and child down by saying that I would come back and then not going back to be with them.

I really don't know how I can ever forgive or live with myself as my ex says. My actions have been wrong toward them and I have hurt them unintentionally though.

Answer 1

Sorry to hear that you are having to experience that. But, now you know what every absentee Dad in the world feels like. Try not to let some of these decisions you've made weigh too heavily on your conscience. You'll never know if things would have been better or worse if you would have stayed.

What's important is that your daughter knows you love her very much. As long as you remain in touch and do everything possible to be close to her then there is nothing to regret.

Also, don't let your husband influence your feelings that way. It is a guilt trip and nothing more. You have the right to live your own life away from him if that is what you choose and he should be mature enough not to play mind games about it. Again, what is important is the relationship you have with your daughter.

It's also normal to feel like you are responsible for their pain. But, as long as what hurt them was unintentional then it is forgivable. You need to realize that this happens all the time and works out in the end. Doubts and guilt will only eat away at you so put them away.

Answer 2

We all have regrets, but I feel that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself because we all make mistakes. And I also think you should let go of what happened in the past and try to find a new beginning with your family. By saying that, even if you and your ex-husband do not reconcile I still think there is hope for you all at the end of the rainbow. And if you do not mind will you visit my page, I think you will find some encouraging things there.

Answer 3

If you have any idea of what the needs were that you had to meet for yourself and for your own sanity, that caused you to need to stay clear of being with your ex husband and your daughter, then it might be a good idea for you to share those reason with your ex-husband. Observe and listen to his response to them and to you after sharing them. If he is still willing to get back together with you and you are really "repentant" about your past actions, maybe you should give it a try. You both could start out by talking with a marriage counselor or a good clergyman to help start the healing process. As for your daughter, if she is almost grown, she is in an awkward stage of development now to really understand the problems that could cause adults to separate the way you did, depending on her own behavior at the time. Did you get along well with your daughter at age 10 or not? If not, she may have been relieved to see you leave, actually. If so, she is probably hurt and annoyed that you would leave her abruptly. If you are able to stand the heat, you will need to give your daughter time to accept you again and it will be difficult at first, but not impossible. Give it a try if you feel stong enough to persevere and follow through with loyalty to them at this time. Above all, do not hurt them anymore because you will keep hurting yourself. Best wishes.

Answer 4

Yes, you have hurt your daughter, whether intentional or no. You can make it up to her by being a positive influence in her life.

If you *promised* your ex and daughter you would help them move, then you should feel bad. If you freely promised you should feel very bad. If you were co-erced into promising by the ex, you should feel nothing on his behalf, and some regret on your daughter's behalf. An honest explanation *should* smooth your daughter's ruffled feathers, it may not (especially if you simply forgot, or even worse, couldn't be bothered).

The next thing you have to figure out is *why* couldn't you be there for your daughter. Depending on the reason for that was, she may or may not understand. If you have "fixed" the situation (or it has otherwise been resolved), you can try to explain it to her.

As for the ex...he is to be respected for taking care f your child as primary caretaker while you were not there. Beyond that, you owe him respect and consideration as the father of your child and someone whith whom you shared a fair chunk of your life.

Once you have that firmly in mind, ask yourself why the marriage ended. Have the conditions that ended the marriage changed? Whether they have changed or not, have you moved on with your life and become involved with someone else? Are you more happy out of the marriage than you were in it? Do YOU want to reconcile?

Your ex is just that, your ex. If you think it could work, tell him that if he is willing to work at trying to win you over, you would be willing to *date* him, just like when you were first courting. If you don't think it could work (especially if things haven't changed), tell him you can't and won't try.

As for you being 100% responsible for the stress in his life... That's a BS guilt trip he's using to make you do things the way he wants you to...HE is responsible for it, not you.

As for letting them, down, if you have no intention of ever moving back in, sit down and tell your daughter this. Just remember to not slag her father to her, she will hate you for it. Next time your ex brings the subject up, either end the conversation, tell him you can't, or change the subject by "not hearing" the question. If it's YOU bringing the subject up...don't. Settle you own demons first.

As for the regrets...the only thing you can do about them is learn to live with them. You can't ignore them, and you can't change the past. As long as you keep letting them ruin your life, the longer they will. Accept them, make your apologies as necenssary, and move on.

Answer 5

Reread you post- your x says you are responsible--STAREYES wake-up!!!!!! Only one person is responsible for stress- do not take the responsibility for his emotions they BELONG TO HIM-- NOT YOU. You have every right to change your mind and not go forward with a decision you made- you have your reasons, its OK in your world-- not HIS because once again he has FAILED to control you. We ALL hurt someone somewhere along the way however, learning to forgive yourself is the first step. Who is your X to judge and hang you- understand the concept of X. You are no longer answerable to him nor do you need to justify ANYTHING. Start by saying "some things happen however I made that decision and now I will live with it- no one can tell me I was wrong. You have sought many solutions here and have had the good advise and wisdom of many- you are who you are, and I have said to you on countless times--"love yourself--your worth it" Embrace yourself and your child (notice I did not say X) love your life, love you, love your child, if per chance someone does happen along you then are free to embrace that individual into your world. Remember, some decisions may not be right but at least you made a decision (its more than what some people do). Stand by it. Love yourself-- your worth it.

Answer 6

Your daughter is only 15 years old. Though you have missed out on a couple of important years, there are so many to look forward to. Stop looking back and start looking forward. You have the opportunity to help her through high school, her first car, her first job, COLLEGE. Don't waste you time on this website talking about regrets when you can be using your time talking to your daughter.

Answer 7

Then make it good!
My father wasn't in my life until 17 i looked at him and said dad the past is in the past be there for me now and show me who you are!
worked we are great friends and he is a great dad!

Here is what you need to do!
Be in there life, show that you are responsable own up to your actions and words. if you don't think you can do that then leave the picture and deal with your regret but if you want it to go away !
Own up to it and Make it good!
it may take a while to build trust in your ex family! but time and your dedication will change that!
believe in yourself...
you are not responsable for anyones feelings heck it's the on thing we control are our emotions feelings and reactions!
if you stressed your ex out he needs to learn how to handle stress it's hard and easer to blame someone else for you not being able to handle a sistuation!
so that is his bad not yours!

you need to make an intentional effort to be apart of their life!
maybe not getting back together but being there more then now!

Answer 8

I know how you feel when you say regrets. I would just not let them get to you. You are a better person then that. You may not feel it or think it but you know it and god knows it. Id just be in their life alot more then you normally are. Also that husbend of yours dont let him put you down and let him say the **** about you even though he may be right you dont need him telling you that becasue you already know. Id live with him to show them that you have change and that you dont treat people like that any more becasue you love them they are your family. GOOD LUCK

Answer 9

you dont need that! what ever reason you and your husband had to get divorce was obvuoisly the right decision and the reasons you might've had to not be around your daughter was obviously for a right reason and whatever your ex tells you dont listen to him girl you really need to empower the woman inside of you. stop believing what he tells you and stop talking to him for gods sakes seriously have some pride and move on be there for your daughter she is the one that needs you not him!!! what are you gonna do the day he tells you to jump off a cliff cause you aint worth ot!? are you gonna do it??

empower yourself hon you need that!!

Answer 10

you learn from it, your ex is blaming you because he doesnt want to accept responsibility for his own actions now and then, I know,, I have been married and divorce twice, 2nd wife finally admitted alot of fault at the time we got divorced,, gee why didnt she think of this in the beginning when the marriage could have worked,

so dont get down on yourself,, make yourself happy and please take care and love your child, husband and loves come and go but your child didnt ask to be born and needs love and care and direction