Ok my last ex is constatly on my mind and I dont know why....we broke up over 5 years ago and I am now married and have a daughter....but I just cant seem to move on...he treated me like a piece of crap when we were dating and spread rumors about me when we broke up.....he was such a dog....maybe i'm holding on because he was my first love....and dont get me wrong I love my husband...but it's just like my ex has part of my heart and I cant get it back.....what should I do??? Please help....
2007-07-19 01:49:40 · 13 answers · asked by It's a Girl!!! 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am here to tell you something really important: it is NOT your ex that is on your mind. It is your relationship right now. If you are not having the marriage of your dreams, then you are naturally going to start idealizing your past. Often it is an ex, especially a first love. But remember how he treated you! You KNOW that he is your EX for a reason. That said, the grass always looks greener on the otherside of the hill. Here is what to do:
1. Do NOT try to get in contact with your ex. In fact, if you ARE in contact with him or see him sometimes, STOP. Cut off ALL contact. Getting back with him will be a HUGE mistake.
2. Work on your marriage! Obviously your husband is not giving you what you want, or you would not feel this way. Figure out what is missing in your life, then talk to your husband about it. If he won't comply, then make an appointment with a marriage counselor.
3. Get some counseling for yourself, while you are at it. Perhaps you are obsessive or depressed. Discuss it with your doctor and go from there.
Look, everyone has an ex, and everyone has a first love. But we are not all "holding on" and obsessing over it. Just understand that you are idealizing him, creating an image and feelings that do not really exist. The problem is in the present, though, and not the past. The solution is in the present as well. Good luck!
2007-07-19 01:57:37 · answer #1 · answered by Mr. Taco 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Accept that the @$$hole will always be in your heart and move on. You need to focus on the positive things in your life NOW. The past is in the past. It has been 5 years now. I am sure he is not struggling with his memories of you. You never forget your 1st love. No matter how much of a jerk he was. But you need to let go ASAP before your hubby finds out in the wrong way. Imagine him over hearing you say this to your BFF. He would be PISSED. Wouldn't you? Just relax and take a good long look at your life. Don't let him take away from such a beautiful life you have been blessed with. Good Luck sweetie.
2007-07-19 01:59:13 · answer #2 · answered by handvict81 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take out two pieces of paper. On one, make a list of everything you liked about your ex. On the other, make a list of everything you disliked about him. Put the lists away for a week or so and try not to think about it. After the week is over, pull the lists out and read through them. Feel free to add things to either or both lists. Afterward, at least once a week, pull out both the lists and read through them again.
This technique will lead to your mental "obsession" (in quotes because what you're going through does not qualify as a true obsession) abating. See, what keeps these thoughts alive right now are the positive emotions that reinforce them -- when you think about your ex you get excited feelings in your tummy (and maybe in other places too). And that's because, when you think of him, you only think of the good things, such as that fantastic "in love" feeling you had. By making these lists and rereading them regularly, you will be forcing yourself to feel the bad along with the good, because you'll have to read the what-was-bad-about-him list every time along with the good list. I am betting that the bad list will make you feel more badly than the good list makes you feel good. Eventually, therefore, the positive feelings will cease being your conditioned response and the behavior of thinking about your ex will extinguish.
2007-07-19 02:06:15 · answer #3 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You will always have a special place in your heart for your first love no matter if they treated you well or horribly, however, in saying that there appears to still be some unresolved issues between you two that has kept you from truly moving on in your life emotionally. I am assuming that because the relationship was in constant turmoil that it ended abruptly or on a bad note. Maybe it's hard for you to believe that you allowed yourself to be treated that way for so long because you loved him.
I know that you have moved on in a physical sense, new husband and daughter, but I think it's difficult for you to accept that you can and deserve to be in a loving and happy relationship...free from emotional abuse. Sometimes it's hard for us to see the wonderful things infront of us and we look to our past to find the answers when they are starring us directly in the face.
I think that it's time to finally put him into your past, so I am suggesting that maybe you write him a letter. This is not a letter that will ever be mailed and no one will ever see it, but it is key to you releasing the mixed emotions that you have trapped inside of you. Don't be afraid, tell him everything that you have ever wanted to say to him. When you have finished, go to a quiet meaningful place like a beach, a park or somewhere you feel at peace. You may choose to tear the letter, burn the letter, throw it in the water, etc...to show some sign of truly letting your past become your past. I know it may sound silly, but try it and see if it works.
This guy isn't worthy of your thoughts or time. You have a new life now, your stronger, your healthier and you deserve happiness. Let's start your life over free from the emotional baggage from your past. Always remember to live in the present because we never know when we will take our last breath in this world. You are unique and important and were put on this earth to make your mark on the world! Take your life back and enjoy your new found freedom!
Best of luck to you!
2007-07-19 02:16:35 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, your first love will always be a part of you...good or bad. Thing is, you have to realize, you wouldn't be who you are, and have your daughter...etc.. if you didn't date your ex.
Everything in the past brews up to what you are today. Just like what you are today will form your life the next day and so on.
I'd say to be grateful to the past that contributed to a better life today. Don't forget your ex, or your mistakes. It's all about lessons learned.
I hope you find the strength to live with your past, and forgive your mind for making it more than it is.
2007-07-19 01:57:13 · answer #5 · answered by chaoss13 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
FORGET about him he sounds like he had such low self esteem that he had to bring you down to make himself feel better. Enjoy your loving husband and your daughter life is good.
2007-07-19 01:54:00 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that you are just in love with the thought of being in love with you're ex becasue you get used to it and becasue you may have high expectations that did not came to be.
maybe you are also thinking "the things that might have been" if you were together, but you need a closure with yourself.
try to focus on the things that are in front of you like your husband and your daughter.
goodluck.
2007-07-19 02:05:15 · answer #7 · answered by happy damsel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look at your current husband and remember why your with him and not your ex. There's something he does for you that your ex didnt whether its physical, emotional, financially, etc. etc.
2007-07-19 01:55:37 · answer #8 · answered by YupYup 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with Happy-2..it does work!
2007-07-19 03:36:35 · answer #9 · answered by Pixie48 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
am in the same situation as you tho i ain't married still.its very hard to overcome that.just take time and i belive you will overcome it
2007-07-19 01:58:32 · answer #10 · answered by shee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋