Is it wrong to hold a person responsible for how what they said made you feel?

Question

When I suggested to my wife that we could afford a nice dinner if she'd not leave the lights on so often, she "embellished" my statement something like: you said, "You're a small stupid ignorant child and you need me to tell you how to live." I said, "You're embellishing. That's not what I said or how I meant it." She took great offense at me saying she was "embellishing", claiming that I was dismissing her feelings. I'll acknowledge her feelings, but I won't say that I meant something that I didn't mean. Heck, I could say, "It looks like rain." and she might feel I was telling her she was too stupid to know that she should get an umbrella to go outside. Just because she feels a certain way doesn't mean she can hold me responsible for her feelings, right?

Answer 1

it's not WHAT you say, but HOW you say it that matters. men tend to say things with certain tones (in their voices) and it can be very demeaning to a woman. I think you two should sit down and have a talk about what you both need and want.

Answer 2

There are things that men say that we can take wrong because we don't always understand your language, like you don't always understand ours. Save up a little extra cash and don't blame her for leaving the lights on as an excuse not to take her out for a nice dinner. Try sitting down with her and go over your bills and talk about ways to cut things that aren't so necessary to save the extra cash. Also remember that women have that emotional roller coaster at certain times of the month (never say that's why you're acting this way) but be wise and let it slide. Either you want to be right or stay married

Answer 3

Sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder. Having been a single women for awhile before getting married, I know that turning lights off or not running dishwasher until it's full can save a few pennies. And pennies add up. So now my husband is glad that I am a penny-pincher so to speak.

She could be making a game out of it to see how much money she could save. I have fun trying to stick to a budget.

But you also have to be careful about how you say things as she doesn't seem to take constructive criticism well. Maybe saying something like, "If you can make sure all the lights in rooms we are not in stay off for a month, I'll personally set up a massage or spa day for you. You'll just have to show up and relax. Deal?" Hopefully, she would agree and get a nice day and by a month times she should be used to turning lights off and it would just be a habit she would keep.

Could be a win-win situation.

Answer 4

She is doing what I like to call "mind reading". As we all know (hopefully), mind reading is not possible, but my wife used to do it all the time. See, what your wife is actually doing is telling YOU what YOU are thinking. My wife used to do that to me pretty often, and it sure is annoying. I say "used to" because she doesn't anymore because I called her attention to it repeatedly. I told her to stop telling me what I think, or what I meant, because she can't read my mind and therefore must accept that what I say I meant as the truth. It's important, though, to give her an alternate way of expressing herself. For example, she would have done better to say, "My feelings were hurt when you said 'embellished' because I thought you were putting me down." This is a true statement and one that leads to conversation rather than fighting.

Unfortunately, and no offense intended, your wife sounds lacking in communication skills. She would do well to seek counseling for that, or at least take on a good self-improvement book that promotes good communication skills.

Another thing you could try would be to lob the ball back into her court. Ask her, "When I said 'embellishing' that was my interpretation, because I disagreed with your statements. However, I did not intend to hurt your feelings. Since we are both adults, we have to come up with a way of disagreeing that is acceptable to both of us. So, when I disagree with something you have said, how would you like me to state my disagreement?" Since your wife clearly has issues about feeling belittled, be sure in all your conversations to use the phrase, "We're both adults" frequently, as in, "We're both adults -- maybe we could just agree to disagree on whether or not to turn off lights."

Answer 5

Look at how you tried to make a point. Instead of saying, " Why don't we start turning off the lights and use the extra money on a night out". You blamed her. So look deeper into your feelings for the answers. But to answer your question, we allow others to make us feel one way or another. If we choose not to let others define who we are, then we will live much happier lives. Is some hidden feelings really creating this negative energy regarding your spouse?

Answer 6

Instead of simply saying, "you shouldn't leave the lights on so often," you threw in your sarcasm about dinner and your wife caught you on it. Communicate clearly and she won't challenge you. She's not as dumb as you think she is. And since you see the lights are being left on, why don't you turn them off sometimes? Is that an option, or is it more fun to irritate your wife?

Answer 7

Well, you were nagging her about the lights. That's just annoying.

It sounds like you get on her nerves. It also sounds like she may have some issues with her self esteem. Is she depressed or overly anxious? When I have anxiety or when I'm depressed, I can get very irritable.

Give her some breathing room. If you notice the lights on, turn them off yourself. Let her calm down and relax. Then talk about it in a logical civil manner.

Answer 8

what a person feels isn't another persons fault. you can make a statement and she can take it the way she wants to...you can't force her to " feel " anything. seems to me like you two need to sit and talk about things a little more. maybe it's the way you're comming across or she's just super sensitive..either way....it's not working. but anyway...no..you aren't responsible for how she feels....that one is on her

Answer 9

I know how you feel, Have you read the book of Eric Berne Games People Play ? It is Transactional Analysis.This book will help you how to deal with your wife.

Answer 10

Gosh, how old is she? Sounds a bit immature. She needs to check those feelings at the door. It's just not possible to tiptoe around people who wear their feelings on their sleeve. She's holding everyone but herself accountable. Don't continue to let her hold you hostage to them.