How to deal with the idea that my husband has another son from a previous relationship?

Question

Before we got married I knew that my husband had a previous relationship and from that relationship he had a son. Although, this child has no contact with my husband I can't help but to feel upset by the idea that my husband has a son out there and he has to become a part of our family now (it was just confirmed that my husband IS the father of this child). I don't know how to accept the idea that this child is part of our family and that my husband has to give him love and financial support. Please advise.

Answer 1

Hi, I saw your post and wanted to, if not give you an answer, at least give you an idea of what is going on. You didn't leave details concerning the age of his son, is he coming to live with you (?), whether there are other children in your house, etc., so I'm going to wing it...
It doesn't seem like you're too upset with the fact that he had this previous relationship. That's good. It's in the past, afterall. But you don't know this kid, this new step-son and it's hard for you to come to terms with something that enormous being thrust on you suddenly. I understand that. Financially, holy sh.!, what are we going to do? I've been there, I promise.
But what about this boy? I mean, obviously you feel that as well. However old he is, whether he needs money or not, he needs a father above everything else.
And whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. How you let it affect you is what your focus should be right now. Are you going to be the loving and supportive step-mom, or the evil one? Will you let this control your relationship with your husband, who is probably pretty torn about this as well? He knows exactly how you're feeling. Believe it. He's asking himself, "How in the hell am I going to do this?".
If you step back and look at the big picture, whether this boy is young and is going to need more attention and guidance now, or whether he's older, and just needs a friend with good advice (who can give him some medical history), it's not really going to be that bad. You're going to get to know this kid one day, either a year down the road, or ten, and he's going to be a good kid, and smart, and he's going to remind you of your husband in some way. And he's going to be a little like you too maybe, because you helped him grow. Or perhaps you're going to see how much good you did him to let him have a relationship with his one true dad.
It could be something completely enriching to your life.

Anyway... there's an idea.

Answer 2

When you marry you have to accept everything that comes with the man you married. My ex is now remarried to his third wife. He has his daughter from his first marriage with them. He does not see our son but I am ok with that. Him and his current wife now have a son from what I heard. But you have to put everything aside and think about this child who did not ask to be born. This child deserves love from his father as any other child. Could you imagine you father not having any part of your life. Remember he is just a child and it going to be strange for him also.

I had probelms accepting my ex's daughter but over time it got easier. We became very close and I still to this day hold a special place in my heart for her even though I don't see her. I raised her for five years. It may be a little weird at first but give it a try and I bet some really great things come about from it. You are being honest with how you feel and that is a good thing. Don't be so hard on yourself..

Answer 3

Your husband is a part of you so his son is also.
You should be more than willing to accept this child if you love your husband that much. You should respect the fact that he's stepping up to the plate.
It's not only your husband that should give him love, it's you, also. It's not the kid's fault. It's his son...and why not accept him? If you had a child from a previous relationship-wouldn't you want your husband to accept it? You need to look at it in so many different ways, cause you're looking at it in all the wrong ways. Are you jealous of this child?

Answer 4

resenting the truth will drive your husband away from you. it is a fact that you have to accept. I understand that it is not easy but by being supportive and show some concern (being a mother yourself to your own child) will gain you even more love & attention from your husband. This is not to tolerate his act by having a child out of wedlock but the least you can do now is accept it & learn to move on. you are his wife and this child is his son (remember, blood is thicker than water) therefore it is important that you know where to draw the line.

Answer 5

Do you like children? Because to dislike the idea of a father tending to his son is just stupid and evil! I think that you are afraid that this woman the mother of this child has some sort of leverage on you. Tell you what if I were in your shoes that won't worry me one bit of course I would never trust her but I would trust my husband. I would also learn to love this child as my own and when his father sees how much you guys have taken to each other he would then fall right back in love with you all over again. I would also try to acquaint myself with his mother to see what type of back ground the child has and also to be the bigger one. Be supportive and stop hating. This could be a good thing anyway.
Good Luck!

Answer 6

I understand what you're going through right now and I hate that for you. It's not easy to accept the fact that the man you married has a child with someone else. Especially if that child hasn't been in your life up until now. Everyone thinks that you have to immediately "love him like he's your own", and that "he's your son now too", but it's just not that simple. Just take it one day at a time and don't try to force anything. You don't have to feel anything until you're ready.

Answer 7

I toally DISAGREE with tjnstlouisms. Your husband definately has to love in addition to support his son. You need to put yourself into a quiet, dark space and search your heart and ask God the right way to act. Hopefully you will allow Him to work on your heart and actually allow yourself to feel for this child. This child was thought of, planned then created in his mothers womb by God himself (with the help of your husband of course). Accept the child and ge greatful like nlapin5585 said. You could have chosen a terrible human like lots of males out there. It takes 10 minutes to become a dad but a lifetime to be a FATHER. Grow up young lady........

Answer 8

Your husband doesn't have to give him love. Your husband has to give him support. It would be the right thing if he learned to love this child that is such a burden to you, but no one can make him.

Life isn't all black and white, there are mountains and molehills along the way. This is the "for better or for worse" part of your promise to him. Climb the mountains, walk around the molehills.

Answer 9

His son had done nothing wrong. Try to accept and love his son as yours. A child need parents love. If you are the child, how you will feel when you feel unwanted? Its selfish of us if we stop his father from loving and supporting him.

Answer 10

I know how you feel.. My husband has a son with another women too and it was hell for the first 7 yrs. because his ex-girlfriend was so jeolous that she caused a lot of problems. His son is now 10 yrs. old and for 3 yrs. it got so ugly that my husbands ex-girlfriend moved down south. I was so happy because I was tired of dealing with baby mama drama. His son has recently returned but now that I am separeted from my husband it does not bother me anymore. The reason we are separeted has a lot to do with that son he has. We also had other issues. Good Luck to you, I hope that you do not have to go through what I went through.