How does one communicate to their wife, they feel unappreciated, without eliciting a defensive response?

Answer 1

you need to preface it with, "please don't get defensive, but" and focus on what she DOES that make you feel unappreciated say "When you_______It makes me feel like you don't care." Of course she cares, but she needs to SHOW you she cares. Does she not say "thank you" after you do all the dishes or cook? Even though it's both our jobs to do housework, i still thank him for all that he does.

Answer 2

Unfortunately many people get defensive.

It would help if you gave an example of what you are feeling unappreciated about.

Set time aside to talk. Make sure she is not in a bad mood or stressed etc. And make sure you are calm as well. Speak from the heart, not the hurt or attitude. And ask her to do the same.

Tell her how much you love her, what you love about her and the good things she does make you feel.
Then tell her what area you feel unappreciated in. Tell her "when I do this and I don't get the response I am looking for (And tell her what response you would like) it makes you feel like...........then ask her if she realizes this is taking place.

Then listen to her as well.

I am thinking here, is the problem you did the dishes and she didn't say Thank you?? LOL My point is, are you looking for something you yourself do not give? That is why I said an example would have been good.

Remember the goal is to communicate. Not win. She may not even realize you feel this way. You may not realize something either. Communicate, Listen to her without being defensive as well. Compromise and love each other.

Good Luck

Answer 3

Build her up with compliments about what she is doing right. Make sure it's not that time of the month.

Then when she accidentally or on purpose appreciates you verbally. Tell her, "Honey, I want you to know that I'm feeling so good right now, thank you for noticing. Every time you appreciate the little things I do and you tell me, it makes me want to do more to put a smile on your face and to get more verbal affirmations, not only verbal...

If you want her to be positive you've got to approach her in a positive manner. You lead your household by your example.

Just remember, before you do anything that I have written, pray to G-d first for guidance and to prepare her heart and give you an opportunity to follow through with this simple but effective plan.

If she doesn't respond in a positive way after trying this over a period of time. She likely has a bigger issue at her core that you may or may not know about. Something from her past or present.

Lastly, the Scriptures say, "Treat others as you would have them treat you."

Carl Divert AKA AnthropologistCarl

Answer 4

Have a talk with her. Ask her if her needs are being met and what you can do to improve. Hopefully, she'll return the favor and you can both work on things together. Get her involved in the process. I will also warn you that you get what you put out there. Are you appreciative of her? Do you appreciate yourself? Self worth starts from within and although another person can help you boost it, they can't do all the work. Find ways to take the time to pat yourself on the back, reward yourself! You'll feel better about yourself and won't go looking for her to validate you. Good luck :)

Answer 5

what I did with my dh was I asked him if we could talk about issues we're having in the marriage. Let's face it there is almost always something we can work on. Then I let him tell me his feelings and I promised to work on the problem areas. Then after he was finished and had been listened to I told him what I was feeling. He did start to get defensive but then I reminded him that we are both entitled to our feelings and we are both committed to making the marriage good for both of us. Ever since then we have both being working really hard on these areas. Things are soooooo much better

Answer 6

That is a tough one. Most likely no matter how you approach this, you will get a defensive response. Ask her to keep an open mind for what you are about to tell her and that you need to express your feelings to her without it causing her to become upset.

Answer 7

well instead of staring sentences with "you" say... I feel unappreciated... because I don't or we don't...

then you are talking about what you need rathr than telling her what she should be doing.

Works at work, with kids and with spouses... sometimes.

Answer 8

Try encouragement along the lines of 'I like it when' ..... (you'll have to fill the blanks) instead of 'You never' ........ If you phrase your words as I-statements they don't become accusations ....... if you phrase them as You-statements, then they become confrontational.