So are the poems getting any better?

Question

In My sisters Eyes


I don't know what my sister see
I will never know where the light
in her eyes come from she makes
bad look better her smile lighst a
thousand candles

In my sisters eyes I see my future
Who I want to be In her eyes everything
is perfect I wish I could see one day with her eyes

My sister is The one person worth a million words
Through her eyes she sees no bad everything is what she makes colorful and Bright I wish I could see what she sees

She is only 4 and her world Is amazing it glorifies all that is buity and that is radiant

It's her eyes that dream the dreams of love
It is those eyes that see the angels oh I
wish I had my sisters eyes

Answer 1

I think it's pretty good, actually. I would put some punctuation in there, even though most people read poems line by line they really should be read according where the thoughts begin and end. In the first line, I think it should read "sister sees." Really, it's good!

Answer 2

I'm not sure if your poems are getting better, but I can tell you that this one, although obviously from the heart and full of love, needs work.

You have some lovely lines in here, but they are overshadowed by others that are either repetitive or poorly constructed. Your message is very good, so is your theme, but you need to get the grammar, spelling and line breaks corrected. Because your sister is so young, you have plenty of time to work on it before she'll really understand it anyway. Trust me on this one, she'll appreciate it much more when you show it to her on her 18th birthday than she will right now anyway.

Meanwhile, work on things like the first line, where you say "...what my sister see", it should have been "what my sister sees". Yes, you might say it was a typo, or that you were going to fix it later, but we don't know that, do we? Supposedly you put the poem up here after you'd already worked on it, so I'm only bringing up what I see is wrong. These comments are meant to be "constructive", to help you make your poem a better poem.

Another example:
"in her eyes come from she makes"
should have read:
"in her eyes comes from" then a line break...
"she makes the bad look better" then another line break...
"her smile lights a thousand candles"

and that's just the first stanza...so you see, it needs work. The good news is that your love shines through the words and with a little work I think your poem will be one that you'll treasure for many years.

Answer 3

polish this poem up, tuck it away somewhere and give it to your sister when she is old enough to know what "radiant" means

I really like this line, may I suggest breaking it out in three lines as:
she is only four and her world is amazing /
it glorifies all that is beauty /
and all that is radiant

just a suggestion... I can't imagine how beautiful your sister must be but I can appreciate the beauty of a great poem :o)

Answer 4

i could appreciate the fact that you had the time to do this for your sister.