I lost my wife at the age of 55 after 31 yrs of married life. I loved a lot. How to cope with this?

Question

I fell in love with this girl when we joined school at the age of 3 (Hard to believe?)I married her in 1976 and lost her in 2007 recently. The love never diminished a bit during all these years. All these years I never left her for a moment. She would always be with me or I would always be with her. Never left her alone. The trauma is simply unbearable. I do yoga, meditation,play music, go walking and do my regular office work plus cooking (never did before she left). Spending time alone at home in her absence without her beside me is unbearable. Her thoughts are there with me all throughout the day. Feel heavy in the heart all throughout. Can anyone suggest how to cope with this unsurmountable pain and lonliness?

Answer 1

I could not imagine! You were combined as one for so long it seems. I would just say to keep doing the yoga, meditation and walking.....and maybe find some new activities/hobbies that you may enjoy that you never thought of before. Congrats on finding the love of your life, remember you had 31 great years and some people never find it at all....my parents have been married for 33 years....doesn't happen much these days...good luck to you!!

Answer 2

I am not sure if this will make things better but go to the local library and pick up this CD (that is if they have it) "Satchmo plays King Oliver" by Louis Armstrong and play the song "St. James Infirmary" It is the heaviest song that I have ever heard but when I feel sad about something I play this song. I dont know if it is the deep voice of Louis Armstrong or the rhythm but it makes me feel a little better. It is a heavy song but there is this part in the song when Loiue laughs about something and it makes me think about the fact that even in the darkest moments you can find light. If you cant laugh after this than you will never be able to get over it. I knew a family, The Dad, The Mom and the Three Sons. The parents ended up burying all three kids. After they buried the third kid we sat down at the table and were just talking, shooting the crap. The pain this lady must have been feeling is incomprehensible to me but that night we were able to get her to laugh. Even if it was just once I am sure it helped her get over it. The same might hold true for you. Try to find the light in the tunnel and laugh! It sounds hard but try it, it will help you get over it. If it doesnt get your feelings down on paper, as in write a song and dedicate it to your wife. Play it or sing it whenever you think of her or get sad. I think music is the best medicine besides laughter!

Answer 3

I am sorry for your loss.

Your wife loved you as much and she would never have wanted you to flounder around so lost. However you are still grieving, and this is a normal feeling. Do two things. Get temporary counseling to help teach you the tools you need to cope with this grief. And get a pet. Get a dog or a cat. Something warm and that needs you.

As you continue your walk, the pain will lighten up. You may have a very long time before you are joined again, so make plans. Don't plan for this year, but next year, plan to do something that you always wanted to. Continue to occupy your time, and one day you will be smiling again. She would like that. Blessings.

Answer 4

Dear sir. I can relate to your problem. I to got marry in 1975 and I lost my wife in March, 2007. I know your pain and sorrow. My wife was handicapped. I work all day and take care of her before work, during lunch and after work and at night. I use to visit her grave site 2 to 3 times a week. I would spend an hour a time, sometimes 2 hours. First month was getting use to coming home to a empty house. My daughter and son in law live with me but it wasn't the same. Second month, it was getting to me, being alone. I cry at night, the first 2 months. Nobody knows what a person goes thru when you lose someone. I go one day at a time. I pray alot and do some talking to God. I don't know about your religion. I live close to a lake. I found a spot there, I sit, I empty my head, I let mother nature take over. I talk to my wife all the time. Since my wife been sick, I was kinda ready for this, but you are never truly ready. I now go maybe twice a month to her grave site. It is getting better. You will find out that your saddness will start to fill with the wonderful times you had with her. It will take time. I read in yahoo one time, that it can take a year to go thru grief. That there are 5 stages to grief. I will never go thru all 5 stages, due to my way of losing my wife. You might go thru all 5 stages, if you lost your wife very fast, with out warning. It is hard to say what to do. Everyone is different. I am dating a woman that lost her husband 4 yrs ago to cancer. We are engage to be marry next year sometime. The other way of coping with your pain is maybe join a club for losing a spouse. The chruches have them or they are in the phone book. You may also see your doctor to put you on anti depression pills for awhile. I never went to any groups, or put on pills. I had alot of faith in God, and I did alot of talking, plus I had some close friends that help me. Give me an e-mail and we can talk some more and maybe I can help you get thru this. Feel free to reply to me. Thank you

Answer 5

Wow! What a love story...That is so refreshing for me, who was married and had a husband to leave me just because he said he wasn't happy anymore. I commend you for your faithfulness and commitment.
There are a few things that I can recommend.
1. Fill you life with friends
2. Try new things, esp. new friendships
3. Practice giving to others (not meaning money in particular), but giving of yourself...when we give to others it brings a joy. Find people that cannot give back, those in the most need and give of yourself.
4. Allow time to help heal. Healing takes time. It does not happen overnight. This is a new loss for you and a big loss. Your life has changed tremendously and the healing may be slow. There will be many hard days ahead, but never lose your hope.
5. Only God can completely fill that emptiness that is within. After my divorce, I fought depression with many days of being up and down. But when I lost my son, (my ex took me to court and took him away); I excepted depression. My thoughts were, how can I ever be happy without my son. I did not fight or even try to climb out of depression. But then, praise God, He came by and touched me and took the depression away. The situation did not change, but God gave me a joy within that I did not think was possible. A few years have passed and things with my son are a little better, but I'll never forget the day God touched my life.
6. Never give up hope...with God all things are possible....May God bless you.

Answer 6

I have not lost a partner, but have suffered through the loss of my Dad and two children which is much, much different
Try to get out a lot if being at home is hard. I go to my local Chapters book store and spend time reading. If you are a reader that will work. Even though you are alone, her spirit is with you and I think you could get comfort from that. You are not strong now, but you will be. Only time will heal, but it will never fill the void. I would even contact a grief counsellor, I had to because I was unable to cope some days. It helps to talk to someone who has lived with this kind of pain dealing with the grief of losing your beloved partner

Answer 7

I suggest a support group. NEVER go outside a marriage when you are living under the same roof. A counselor and support group can help you to clear your mind of all of the pressures of life so that you can think clearly and feel better about your life and your situation. I've found that when discussing these problems with friends they want to tell me what to do or talk bad about the person who's doing it. I am the only thing I have control over. So I hd to learn, with help, how to changemy thinking so I could change my actions.

Answer 8

Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loved one in a journal, or write the person a letter saying the things you never got to say. Create a scrapbook or artwork about the person; create an appropriate memorial in his or her honor (for example, if the person loved flowers, plant or fund a garden); get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.
Take care of yourself physically. Get enough sleep, eat sensibly, and get regular exercise. Do not use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially. (That may even apply to antidepressants meant to ease the sadness of grief; because grief, unlike depression, is not a disorder, masking the pain with meds may be less productive than working through the sadness.) Healthy habits will help you recover from grief, but substance use will impede recovery and can lead to long-term dependence
Don’t let other people tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel, either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” At the same time, it’s okay to be angry at the person who died, to cry every day if you need to, to yell at the heavens without being embarrassed. Conversely, it’s okay to laugh, too. If watching the entire oeuvre of the Marx Brothers helps you heal, no one has to right to tell you it’s inappropriate.
Plan ahead. Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones in life bring particular challenges. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them to find out what their expectations are and come up with strategies together to honor the person you loved and meet the challenge.

Answer 9

I am truly sorry for ur loss... You may never experience another love like this..but to cope with this you have to know that the memories u have of her..ur life together will see u through.. She is always with u...and will remain there throughout trials and triumphs. Life is hort and u must go on she will want this for you. I hope this helps a lil.
Take care and be well

Answer 10

I can't answer how to cope with your problem. But I can imagine how you feel because my dad met my mom when she was 5 and he was 7. They married when she was 17 and he was 19 and stayed together until she died. He was so lost without her. But eventually he did get a lot better. He lived 26 years after she died. He died about 5 years ago. I hope you will be alright and I will pray for you. It must be hard. Sorry for your loss.