How can I win?

Question

I met a beautiful young lady, a dream come true, however after a few months of dating and falling in love with her I found out she had extra baggage. She is married and never got a divorce. I was almost living with her. One day we received a call from the hospital saying that her long lost husband was ill and needed help. Being the person that she is she consented to take care of him and I went back to my own apartment. We however still date. She says she cannot divorce him in his time of extreme need. I just don't know what to do, I love her so much! She loves me also. What are we going to do? She even considered getting a divorce and marrying me however she feels that if she did this at this time her children and family would hate her for divorcing him now that he is seriously ill. I don't think anyone would mind considering all the things he took her and his family through! Such as abuse physical, mental, sexual, emotional and etc.

Answer 1

If he was so "long lost" why would she consent to caring for him? And, why would anyone care if she divorced him if he had been "long lost"?

Answer 2

If he was so abusive to her her family would be happy for her to divorce him why would a family be so upset at her when he mistreated her so badly. If he was long lost how do he even know the number to contact her. I think they were on bad terms and she found you to come in and and take up her time until he decided to come bad. It is a bad way for him to come back when he is ill but look at it there is no way to win she is a married woman and your her shoulder and body to lean on in her bad times with her husband. If she was going to care for him why she could not do it at his house if he was long lost. You have a lot to weigh right now and only you know what you want to do but right now your on the loosing end cause she is married and her husband has the upper hand if things between them was on the verg of breaking up she would not let him come in to her house so she can care for him he would be at his own place and she can go there to care for him. If the love she has for you was so strong why care what any one thinks long as she is happy with the one she wants to be with right nothing should come between real true love. All I can say is be careful and look at everything that is unfolding before your eyes. She cheated with you what make you think she will not do the same to you when all the sparks fade away. Think it all over. Communication and honesty is two most important parts of a real true relationship and so far she has failed then both, it is your choice make the right decision and do not allow yourself to get set you and then let down hard.

Answer 3

Hey I am sorry about her supoosedly ex-husband having a hard time but if she want s to be with you then she should be with you.

If she would rather be with him out of some guilt stricken history then that is her choice.

Your choice, your only real choice, is to give her an ultimatum. You need to tell her you are out of this relationship unless he is out of her life. Period the end.

If you can't do that then you will never have her anyway.

Have some respect for yourself, man. You don't deserve and no woman is worth all that baggage.

She can't make the decision so you have to.

And I tell you what... if you give her a weekend to think it over and you don''t call her, talk to her or contact her in anyway, if you just let her think. There is a real good shot (if she truly loves you) that she will choose happiness with you over years of misery with her "husband."

Whatever she chooses you have made the right decision to either get him out of your life. Whether she comes with you or not.

So be man and lay down the law. If she wobbles, cut ties and move on. That's the best you can do for everyone involved. Her, you, her family, even her kids and teh "husband".

Answer 4

A "long lost" husband is a divorced one. The fact that she never divorced him is important. Lucky for you that you have only been seeing her for a few months. I would strongly suggest that you don't consider getting more involved with her baggage and after only a few months of dating, do you really know if she is telling you the truth about their marriage.

Answer 5

Now it makes sense....she was an abused wife and she has an abused wife's mentality. He has the control and she hasnt got much self confidence. Her mind has been programmed to be this way......he programed it. She needs to get into counselling so she can gain a healthy mind. To everyone looking in, it seems simple....he doesnt deserve her kindness.....but we are not thinking like an abused person....we have healthy minds. I think the only way that this can be resolved is for her to get counselling from a qualified domestic violence counsellor. It wouldnt do you any harm if you rang one yourself and got a bit of information on how the mind of an abused woman thinks. If you could get some kind of insight into how your woman is feeling maybe it will make some kind of sense to you. It's pretty complicated and her husband has done some major damage to her. This damage needs to be undone. Understand the damage, then you will understand her.

Answer 6

Well, speaking as the female that went through something similar, and who thought ,"This is not my beautiful life......how did I get here?" I can tell you how I felt. My ex was disabled and wouldn't work, but could fish, hunt, bike, and play on the computer. Eventually a friend woke me up and said what are you doing? I was unhappy and felt I was raising 2 kids instead of one. I went through feeling that I was being selfish and how much it would hurt my daughter and his son, but then I realized my happiness was just as important as my daughter's, and for her to be happy, mom needed to be happy too. And I didn't want my daughter growing up and watching the way our marriage worked and thinking that was how a man should treat her. There are lots of perfectly well-adjusted children of divorced parents out there. Try telling her,
1) Your happiness is just as important as your child's, and even more so, because you have to take care of them, but you also have to take care of yourself, or you won't be around to take care of your child.
2) There are lots of perfectly well-adjusted children of divorced parents out there. It will be hard at first, but my daughter is doing great a year plus later.
3) If the husband doesn't treat her well, be it physically or emotionally, and he won't help out around the house and with finances, then do you want your children growing up and thinking this is normal?
Good luck!

Answer 7

when someone close to You is in need like this, it is very important to be there for this person.

You state that she is 'in love' with You... i am sorry, but i do not see that if she was willing to 'abandon' You for his needs. i am sure there are others that are available and willing to care for him! with him being in this state should have nothing to do with her not divorcing him, she should have already been divorced if it were truly over between the two of them.

seems that You should reconsider Your feeling before You get crushed! Good Luck!

Answer 8

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR CHEATING!!!! HOW MANY TIMES DOES THAT NEED TO BE SAID?! Ur adulterer Gf is not worth it. Y would u want to b with someone who's willing to cheat? She could have left him long ago before he became ill...but that would make too much sense to actually try. U would think she would have left if things were so bad. She's just making excuses and she's not worth the space she occupies. If u love her, that's too bad...but she'll never move on from marriage one for u!!! Learn to face that before it takes precious time from u that U'll never get back!!!

Answer 9

She was dishonest with you. You found out a few months later that she is married...why would you want to be with a woman who lies? I suppose you will have to determine what to do yourself...you can always wait and see what happens....or if you had any sense at all...you would leave this married woman alone no matter how her husband treats her. Are you even sure that there is abuse??

Answer 10

i think she should support him, but not to the point to where it gets inbetween you two. I dont think she should divorce him quite yet and you might want to rethink the getting married too soon. That is just my opinion and I am not in your shoes....so do what YOU think is the right thing. But don't give up!

Answer 11

Talk to her about it, and tell her that she can still care for him, but she should have gotten a divorce long ago. Be patient also.