I have a problem, any advice?

Question

For some reason i do not tell my wife everything. Due to I want to avoid confrontation with her, but she finds out anyway and she gets hurt because i did'nt tell her. Why can't I share everything. Is their something wrong with me?

Answer 1

If you felt confident about your wife's reaction, you would be able to share things with her. Do you feel inferior to her? Do you feel she is superior to you? Or more the question, does she think she is superior to you? I think if you search your feelings you will find it has everything to do with how you see yourself. If she is a controlling type of a woman, its far easier to hide things than to deal with the confrontation. I have a friend who totally withdrew into himself because he had a very controlling wife. He did that for over 30 years. He has now learned to stand up for himself and the tables have turned.....she lost her control. I dont know if this is your situation, but usually when you hide things from someone its because you dont want to get into trouble......children do it all the time with their parents.....it's an acceptance thing....maybe that is why you hide things from you wife because you want her acceptance like a child does. See her as your equal, discuss everything with her, learn to communicate everything to your wife, otherwise you may just end up withdrawing yourself totally from her. Maybe try counselling. I would do it soon because it wont get any better and a good solid relationship is based on honest communication. There are reasons why a person cannot communicate honestly. Find out what those barriers are and I bet it will all have to do with your own lack of self esteem.

Answer 2

You shouldn't be expected to tell her EVERYTHING of everyday....but the major things that affect your life and marriage, yes, you should be open and honest with her. If you do not tell her the important things then you are likely to appear dishonest and mistrusting, which is what is hurting her. You also are not allowing her the chance to react to or be involved in whatever it is that you are hiding. If it is something bad, then the two of you should put your heads and hearts together to get past it and work things out. Perhaps you developed this part of your personality when you were younger as a protective mode. This is not productive behavior in a relationship. You should really try to be more giving of yourself and feel compassion for your wife.

Answer 3

Depending upon what it is you're not telling her.

In a relationship, in this case your marriage, if you are in close proximity to each other on a daily basis there will be some want and/or need for privacy. So, you may not tell her that you bought nose hair trimmers or the WHAM! album you've always wanted. These are little "me" things we keep to ourselves so that in some ways we keep our own identities. Even though you are married you don't have to share everything.

If you are keeping other things from her- going out and not telling her where or with who, buying big things (cars, airplane tickets, children etc...), keeping important information about work or otherwise- that is a big issue.

Perhaps, you have issues with intimacy that need to be worked on?

Either way if it is causing friction in the relationship it would be wise to discuss the issue with her before the relationship is beyond discussion.

Answer 4

No there's nothing wrong with you. My husband does the same thing. Even I am guilty of such. It's only human nature, but I'll tell you what I tell him. It's ok to be afraid of confrontation but it's always better to be honest up front and get it over with than have to deal with what ever the issue was but what the consiquences are that come with it as well. Remember honesty is always the best policy. It will save a lot of trouble and heartache in the long run. Good luck.

Answer 5

Trust me she has things that she doesn't tell you about too. That is perfectly normal and healthy. We are individuals and we need to be able to keep a part of ourselves or we will just get lost in the moment of someone elses truth. If she uses the finding out to make you feel guilty then there are some control issues that need to be addressed. Are these things wrong, truely wrong or is the issue just that you didn;t tell her? If you are not doing anything wrong then hopefully she will be understanding enough to allow you some sense of individuality. You may have to keep reassuring her that you are not ever goung to do something to hurt her. She could just be very insecure and needs some affirmation. Hope this helps.

Answer 6

Coming from a man's point of view...its hard to tell someone things when they end up causing a confrontation every time. I know in my life (and being married) its sometimes better not to tell everything. So to answer your question no there's nothing wrong with you in fact perhaps there's something wrong with her that she can't handle talking about things without getting bent out of shape. I hope this helps

Answer 7

Your spouse is supposed to be your best friend and share everything with. Of course she gets hurt finding out things from other people when it's you that needs to tell her. It seems to me that you don't trust her, I know you avoid confrontations but that's not doing any good, so tell her anyway. Good Luck.

Answer 8

Wow, my husband and i just had that same problem. He wouldn't talk to me about what he was feeling and I was so hurt. There is nothing wrong with you. Just open up more because in the end you will feel much better not having to hide it from her. Oh yeah 9 times out of 10 your wife probably already knows something is wrong so just talk more and you guys should be fine:).

Answer 9

No honesty is a very big step to take and ofcourse you begin believing waiting and hiding is a better way but you have to take a better hope for yourself and consideration for your wifes feeling and tell her things if you love her you won't hurt her so think about that instead of trying to hide things step by step

Answer 10

In all relationships there are always things we don't say, but you have to make sure that the important things don't pile up because not to tell is a betrayal of sorts.
Explain to her your reasoning, that she needs to think about her response that you do feel comfortable telling her. You need a heart to heart. Come clean and ask her to work on her response so that you don't feel you have to conceal.
Good Luck