I've been having an affair for 1 year. Is there a "best" way to tell my wife?

Question

We have 2 children who are 3 and 1 yrs. old. I love them dearly and want to make the best of this bad situation. I know this is mostly my fault but part of it lies in our marriage going downhill for the last year or so. I guess I could have found other ways to work on things than doing this but that's water under the bridge now. To make matters more complex, I think I may love this new woman. I'm unsure only because I feel our relationship has been romantic and wonderful but it has been only for short durations (5-7 days at a time when I'm on business trips) so it's never standed the test of "everyday life". Plus I can't tell if I'm holding back my feelings for her because I feel so guilty and ashamed of what I've done. With all this said I feel there is no way out of telling my wife sooner or later so any advice on timing, delivery and anything else would be appreciated.

Answer 1

You need to decide if you want to stay married or not. You should never leave your marriage for another woman. You should leave because you are unhappy in your marriage. If you want out of your marriage, then dont tell your wife it is for another woman, tell her, you are unhappy and want to leave. Having another woman involved makes it very difficult for everyone concerned, and really it should not be the reason you leave anyway. You need to think long and hard about telling your wife anything. You firstly have to decide if you want to stay married or not. Maybe a trial separation may be the go...then you will be in a better position to know what your true feelings are. You think you love the other woman....I think you would know for sure if you did love her. You are very confused. Please dont tell your wife anything just yet. If you decide you want to stay married then you have to end it with the other woman. If you want out of your marriage, then do it, but do it with the least amount of hurt to your wife. She is going to be hurt anyway, but it would be worse if you told her you were leaving her for another woman. Your guilt is not enough to confess the truth. I think the only way you are going to work this out is to separate from your wife for a while, then decide where it is you trully want to be.

Answer 2

Your first sentence tells it all. Children, especially babies. oh and especially teenagers, etc take such a toll. I truly believe if you could stop the affair and realize that your marriage is in turmoil because of those two babies( as you said it went downhill in the past year since the 2nd one was born) and just go through the motions of trying to resurrect it you may be on the right track. I mean you even wrote that this affair has never stood the test and it would probably be just the same if there were the 2 babies with the other woman. I would chill for a while, take a break from this other woman for the purpose of seeing if you truly want to be absent from your children and have your precious babies grow up with divorced parents. It doesnt matter if you love this other woman or not. You need to think with a rational mind, not emotions, and you will get over her if you dont see her again. Please stop calling her or seeing her. You sound like a person of integrity if you can just get out of this funk. If your wife hasnt guessed, it may be possible to move on and get your marriage back together. I think in future years you will be glad you did. Best wishes

Answer 3

Confess! You are torn and will never be completely happy with your wife even if you decide to stay. Your wife deserves a chance at happiness the same you do. Be a man and owe up to your misgivings. Everything will work out in the end. Find a time when the kids are away or have someone take them for awhile, sit your wife down and tell her the entire story. Don't leave out anything, but spare the intimate details (that will only make it worse). Pack your bags, rent a hotel room, or stay with a friend, and give your wife time to absorb what you told her. Go back the next day and discuss the important issues, such as the children, should you try to work it out? Should you divorce? If you decide to stay, you have to let go of the other woman and or you prepared to do that? Good luck

Answer 4

It doesn't matter how bad it seem to you, you at least on her the courtesy of trying to make things work out. Yeah you should be ashame having an affair on a woman with a 3 and 1 year old which means you probably starting having an affair shortly before or after the last child was born. You are right there is no easy way to tell your wife. You have two choices: 1. to end the affair and cut your loses. 2. tell your wife and cut your loses. There are no easy way to tell the mother of your children that you are having an affair and possibly want out of the marriage. You think you might love the other woman but all you two have doing is having s*x, no real relationship stuff. You are not in love, you are in lust. Short end of the story is to end the affair and try to work on your marriage. Only then will you know for sure if being marry is what you want. Good luck.

Answer 5

You are going to be very disappointed. This lady is enjoying you and you enjoying her only because it is forbidden fruit. If she had to put up with your mess you would hear a different tune be saying. Of course it is exciting because it is new, wait until it is old and you become very familiar. Get you behind home and don't mention it to your wife instead call it quits. Find a way to bring romance back into your own marriage. What goes around comes around and you will reap what you sow, thats the law. Think about it, if the shoe was on the other feet, how would you feel. You may not reap anything from it tomorrow or the next year, but it will come back and bite you in the butt at the less expected time.

Answer 6

I just read everyone respond to your question, and its not good because some of them hated you for what you did towards your wife and children. And yes they were right, there's no such thing as "best way". First of all why didn't you stop, but you can't because you were emotionally involve with this woman, you can take it either way but no adulteries can last 1 year without having feelings for the other woman.
I'm sorry to say this but your not really thinking about your kids when you say that you are feeling guilty, a man with a good heart will not make an excuse. The only way or the only thing that you can do now is tell your wife the truth. It will destroy her as well as your kids but this is the best way. Not even a marriage councilor can fix this. Your wife needs freedom from you, so if you really love your kids, then give them freedom,before they grow up and hate you for it.....
Good luck to you and I do feel sad for your wife and kids...

Answer 7

Well it is completely your fault because you made a conscious decision to do this. First before you ever speak to your wife it's a good idea to take responsibility for your actions otherwise she will never forgive you.

Since you do not know what you want to do it is probably the best time to decide that - not tell her first. She will be even more hurt if you can't decide what you want.

If you decide you are going to jump with both feet into your fantasy world than you need to tell your wife that you are moving on. By choosing to continue this you are risking the health & well-being of your entire family. Do you know this other woman will want to be with you like you do with her? Does she know about your wife & kids? And yes you probably are guarding your feelings because of guilt - guilt is a good God given indicator that we are doing something we shouldn't be.

If you decide you want to stay with your wife & family...then you need to COMPLETELY cut ties with the other woman & work on fixing your relationship with your wife. If you are feeling guilty & looking for some relief then step up to the plate & do the right thing by devoting your heart to your family. If you still choose to tell your wife it should be on the premise that I screwed up & I am willing to do everything to fix it.

Remember that everything that happens are watched by tiny little eyes & ears. If you do leave the children will automatically internalize this event & blame themselves - it's what children do. They may never forgive you & if you can accept that you may not walk your daughter down the aisle when she's married then you can leave. But if you can't accept the fact that you will be replaced - don't make yourself replaceable. What if it was your daughter whose husband did this? What would you say to her?

Being a good father doesn't mean you can't make mistakes - it means you get the chance to fix them. Your family will love & respect you more for putting your nose to the grindstone & putting in the work to make things better than to run away & start an 'easier' life with another.

Good luck - you got yourself in really deep here!

Answer 8

Do NOT tell your wife!!!!!!!! Life will become unbearable if you do. Making a disclosure like that is all about your own guilt, and she'll feel like crap no matter how you tell her. Just don't do it.

If you feel any guilt at all about this affair, then you need to break it off. Feeling guilt means you haven't got what it takes to carry on an affair.

Look to your soul, in your heart of hearts, and ask yourself why you are having an affair. Is this a self-destructive thing coming from low self-esteem, or did you try and fix the troubles in the marriage and in your own self first? Are you willing to do that now?

Can you go to your wife and tell her that you aren't happy, and why, and that you want you two to be happy again? If the situation requires it, are you willing to go to a counselor to sort out your feelings-and be honest about them?

You gf doesn't like your feelings of guilt; it's an added burden to the relationship. If you can't be with her in a relaxed, happy, guilt-free state of mind, then you need to let her go. It'll hurt, but no more than it hurts now.

Love is love regardless of where you find it or how. But if you "think" it's love, then it's infatuation and not love. You cannot wrap up True Love and conceal it like it'll fit in a box. True Love has to breathe and be free. You can do that in an affair, but not where your head is at right now.

Answer 9

Stop! This is about you, not your marriage, not your wife. If your marriage has been going down hill for a year, can you see the timing here? You start an affair and the marriage goes downhill! That's called sabotage. Get into counseling quick and see what this is about before you ruin five lives. Don't tell her or your children ANYTHING until you figure out what is going on with you. DO NOT under any circumstances, have ANY contact with the other woman (women?) until you get professional advice. Trust me, you'll be angry when you read this, but if you follow this advice, you will thank me in the end.

Answer 10

What are you looking to gain by telling your wife? Are you looking to get out of the marriage? If so, just tell her that you want a divorce, and file - don't complicate things by bringing up the affair. If you really want to work things out with your wife - then get out of the other relationship, and try to find ways to make your marriage better; perhaps suggest counseling. In this case, too, there is no reason to bring your affair into this. The "timing" and the "delivery" would depend on what you are trying to accomplish with your revelation - and it is not clear from your question exactly WHAT it is.

Your new relationship seems "romantic" largely due to the fact that it is new, exciting, forbidden, and you don't get to see each other very often. It has nothing to do with the real life. If romance and excitement is what you crave, then keep things the way they are, and don't fool yourself by thinking that this new relationship would somehow be different from your marriage if you were with this person full-time.