I had an affair on my wife of 11 years because I have never loved her. I don't want to mess my child up and have been divorced for a little over a year. The person I had an affair with didn't work out and my ex-wife has consistently pursued me to get me back. My ex is a good mother and is a good woman, but I never had the same feelings I had for the other woman. My family and extended family has been torn to shreds over this and I am thinking about giving it another try to try and make things right. I feel so guilty about everything. Could this possibly work?
2007-07-18 10:25:56 · 22 answers · asked by Chad W 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm not even going to give you a long explanation. No, no it will not work, no.
2007-07-18 10:32:16 · answer #1 · answered by shksprsis 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It didn't work the first time - why the hell do you think it will work the second time around ?!?!?
You state that you don't want to mess up your child. Well any damage due to a broken home is done. You and your ex can still be good and loving parents to your child.
How much damage do you think it would cause your child if they find out in 15-20 years that the ONLY reason you and mom are together are because of them ?!?! That would be a pretty devasting blow for ANYONE.
As for your extended families - they need to stay the hell out of it. Its not their marriage. You made a mistake by getting married to someone you didn't love (likely because others thought it was the right thing to do). Like your family, her family, her (maybe she got knocked-up - I don't know), but you didn't marry for love and it F'd things up pretty bad.
You need to LEARN from that mistake. Not repeat it again just because the relationship with your affairest failed to work out.
2007-07-18 17:33:28 · answer #2 · answered by aa889d 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Marry for love. If you marry out of duty...or guilt..you will cheat again.
Of course, being in love may not be necessary. Afterall, love is not about romantic feelings or sex. It is about commitment and joint happiness.
You messed up your marriage because you weren't happy. It is your mistake that you started the affair w/out leaving first. But just going back isn't going to work unless something in the relationship changed that fulfills you now. To say that the woman is a great woman and mother...but you still don't love her says that there is something that you haven't figured out. There is a reason....
Find out your reason for leaving and you may open the opportunity to find love with her. Guilt will never work...I guarantee. You must love for the sake of love.If you don't have the same feelings for her...that is your mistake now. Don't ruin her life again.
Be kind.
2007-07-18 17:32:28 · answer #3 · answered by kishoti 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No absolutely not ! do not get married to a woman you do not love, especially if you've already gone thru the divorce. Your kid(s) will know the truth no matter what shows on the outside, you can still be a good dad, don't need to be with her to do that. But you will give up yourself, you will not be happy. And your kids will know that. What kind of message will that send them. They will likely grow up thinking that is normal. The Guilt will settle with time. But if your asking im telling you , you did the right thing. Just be a good dad and move on.
2007-07-18 17:36:15 · answer #4 · answered by greysonata 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've been there done that---trust me. Years ago, I did the exact same thing you did. The guilt nearly killed me, and I did try to make it work---I went back for my child. Big Mistake! It just created another drama, and it only hurt my child worse.
Had you not already divorced, I would say, yes, try it again, but since you've already divorced, I would not do it. You've already admitted you don't love her. Although it will hurt her, it's best to be stay true to yourself and her. I am all for a happy family, but it has to be mutual.
As for your ex, I wouldn't want a man who didn't love me, even if I had ten kids with him.
2007-07-18 17:50:29 · answer #5 · answered by Ida T 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
u have to want it to work in order for it to work out. I'm sure u know this but having an affair doesn't make things easier. the communication in a marriage is one of the most important keys. and from what i read it seems like the communication, and honesty, was missing in this relationship. i suggest u sit down with her and talk it out, seek for ways ur love for each other can grow. find out what was it about her that made u pop the question. and u never know u might even need counseling. and as for ur kids if u really don't want this to affect them i have a couple of ways that can help out, like :
* make ur house an oasis of love &
*keep in mind the feelings of ur kids (spend some time with them, and communicate see how this has affected them.)
i hope everything works out for the best.
2007-07-18 17:44:33 · answer #6 · answered by cuban cutie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, it won't. Get some counseling and move on with your life. The very best thing you can do for your ex wife is to let her do the same. No one should ever have to live with someone who doesn't love them and never has. Too bad you didn't have the balls to do the right thing before you married her and produced a child. Do it now.
2007-07-18 17:37:24 · answer #7 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think that you already know the answer. It happened once and since nothing has really changed in the way of your feelings towards the mother of your son then the chances are very high that you will stray again. You have convinced yourself that you do not have those type of feelings for her so the ? is can you convince yourself otherwise. Marriages of convenience can be maintained just as pre-arranged marriages.. It all depends on what message you want to send to your son for he may see the situation as living a lie. among all things going on you need to constantly reassure your son that none of it is his fault. Hope this helps and GOD speed to you all.
2007-07-18 17:45:07 · answer #8 · answered by Beneplacitum 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You married a woman you say you never loved....That is messed up! It is possible to make the marriage work with the help of a therapist. But, I really think you will have your work cut out for you. I feel for your wife.
2007-07-18 17:30:44 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
1)"because I have never loved her..."
WHY DID YOU DESTROY HER LIFE BY MARRYING HER???
2)"The person I had an affair with didn't work out "
WHY DID YOU THINK IT WOULD????
3) to remarry her, you have to LOVE her...and I mean 100% ...not 80% not 10%...nothing LESS than 100% will do...THAT MEANS it has to be sincere...it has to be real and you have to be invested emotionally in it..or you will destroy the lives that have been damaged...EVEN WORSE...
in order to accomplish that, you have to be selfless and sacrificing...THAT does NOT mean getting married for your kid's sake..kids in a bad marriage also suffer!
go talk to a therapist or get a self help book...if you don't mind a few religious references..ther book that worked for my wife and I...was "And they were not ashamed" it is about sexual intimacy..but it may also help you and your ex..to get the personal relationship back online..especially physically..but also emotionally and spiritually...it will help the both of you actually love one another..even though for YOU it may help you love her more than you do...
2007-07-18 17:44:16 · answer #10 · answered by juanes addicion 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nope, not in a million years. Time for you to start being a better parent. Ask for custody 50 percent of the time and see if you can find your ex wife a boyfriend.
You were just young and wanted to c--. Lots of young men wind up in your predicament. Just admit your mistake and move on.
2007-07-18 17:31:28 · answer #11 · answered by lily 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋