My boyfriend and i have just moved in together but his wife refuses to let the kids around when I'm there.

Question

can she do that? we have had our problems but have made a fresh start and are really happy. when my boyf told the kids they were fine. but she has told them that im allowed nowhere near them. this is a bit hard as he usually has them over the weekend. every time we try talking to her she screams and shouts and insults both of us. can she stop the kids coming over?

for the people who r saying im a bad person for dating a married man. they have been split for 2 years and she is currently buying a house with her new boyf while they both live 2gether in the house my boyf is paying for.

so its ok for her boyfriend to live with her n see the kids but not for me? its one rule for them and another for us

Answer 1

You moved in with a MARRIED man woman! No wonder his wife is behaving the way she is. Since there is no divorce and no divorce decree she can do as she wishes.

Answer 2

Make it easier on yourself and tell your boyfriend he has to get a divorce so he can move on and marry you. It sets a bad example for the kids that both parents are 'shacking up' with live-in lovers and all that 'playing house' tends to devalue marriage.
I agree that his wife is trying to live by a double standard but I don't know who was screwing around on whom first - perhaps she found a boyfriend and moved in with him just to show her stupid husband how she could match him in that area. Yeah, if you were having sex with a married man while he was married and living with his wife, then he was stupid and so were you. Now you're in a different situation. Now you get all the 'fallout' of that cheating.
If you met him long after she had a boyfriend living with her and he was free all that time, then I wonder why you didn't ask your boyfriend what he was up to? Two years is a long time to stay married to someone instead of divorcing them when the marriage is well over with.
The kids bear the brunt of all this cheating and massive marital discord - you all should feel shamefaced about your behavior if at least one of you can't manage to 'take the high road' and show that you are willing to make a solid, legal commitment instead of basically sleeping together and pretending you're something other than 'roommates with benefits'.
Until I understand why your boyfriend is dragging his butt in this situation, I can't understand why a marriage still exists and why you are even in the picture with such an indecisive person.
Of course the kids are confused. I can't imagine the wife in this marriage does anything but gripe about her cheating husband, even if she is cheating herself. Does this guy actually think he's saving money by not going to court? Does he fear the future and losing part of his paycheck as decreed by a court of law?
She will scream and shout and insult both of you - I have a feeling there is more to this story. Did your husband ever tell her that he'd never commit to paying her alimony or child support and hell would freeze over before that happened?
There are always two sides to a story. You probably can guess the other side yourself if you think about it for awhile.

Answer 3

Whoa! We would all be pissed at you...and that's because you're with our man, even though we don't want him and we're with someone else. Funny how we can feel sometimes! Why is it that they aren't divorced yet if they've both moved on? How long have you been with this man? And did the marriage break up because you started seeing each other? OK, I'm sorry, that's just for my curosity.

To strictly answer your question, no, in most states, not allowing a parent to see their child for this reason is not ok. I think her feelings are normal, but, like so many things, that doesn't make it alright. A court order could keep him away. But seeing as they're not divorced, there's probably no custody order yet. He (and you) needs to make absolutely sure he is providing a safe and healthy home for his children to visit. He needs to put his children FIRST. I mean going above and beyond--his lifestyle is being scrutinized. He also needs a lawyer and you need to stay out of the middle. When the custody battle is over, then pursue a relationship.

Answer 4

First thing, if he has visitation rights, then she can not stop them from seeing him. Second if he does not have visitation then yes she can stop it. No matter how you view this you know that you are going to be the bad person. I don't care if he would've been divorced for 10 years, the husband will take the heat, which in turns puts it on you. I don't believe in double standards. But obviously she does. Make sure he has visitation,, if you find that he does and she will not let the children come over during his visitation, call the police first, then the next business day, file in court, contempt papers. She is going against a court order. If you don't mind keep me posted, I will see if I can find any other information for you. Good luck, don't give up your relationship for the EX

Answer 5

I have no idea what the legal arrangements are between your boyfriend and his kid's mother, so none of us can truly answer this question. Your boyfriend surely knows what his legal rights are, and if he doesn't he should.

But I would say if my wife and I ever divorced, I would absolutely not want my children in a situation where they have to be privy to a "live-in" situation.

Your boyfriend has a moral obligation to his children to set an appropriate example for his kids - meaning he should not have made the decision to move in with you if he gets the kids over the weekend. His kids need to come before you!

That said, I am not sure his ex screaming, shouting, and insulting adds much to the situation. It would sadly appear these kids are not going to be exposed to responsible adults in their lives.

Answer 6

Nothing to be ashamed of,I'v done the same thing getting involved with a man that was still legally married.She can ask that they children don't sleep in the same home with you ,and your man can ask her the same thing. I'm not sure how it all works out,but when a divorce is going threw and even after they can state in the papers,that the child is not to sleep where there is a person of the opposite sex.I hope this can be of some help. As far as him not being able to see the kids he can contact friend of the court.

Answer 7

Have you noticed how people can be really nasty, judgmental & just plain mean on this site? Glass houses . . .

Speaking from personal experience, getting a divorce can take 4ever even w/out kids. Either party can make it last as long as they want.

I think your BF's ex is just dialing it up because she's got to leave the house & she's not getting what she wants out of him in the divorce. I'm assuming that the divorce is already in progress & if it is then there should be a custody arrangement, just like the other non-judgmental people said. Get his lawyer involved because talking to her isn't working. She is using the kids & that is just sick.

That said, the kids need someplace to detox from her neg energy & that's what you & your BF have to give them, a safe place just to be kids. This is a tough situation for everyone & you have to protect them from all the negativity.

Good luck. And you ARE NOT a bad person. Who is looking out for the kids? Their Mom? I guess that got past a few people out there in answer-land.

Answer 8

This is a case of his ex- being nasty! Try and ignore that as its probably coz' she is jealous.

The UK law is such that he should be allowed reasonable right of access (usually every alternate weekend- fri to sun) she can't (in law bar you from seeing the children without a prohibitive steps order (injunction) stopping you from seeing the kids- judges seldom (in my experience) give these save for cases where the safety of the children may be compromised- there would have to be a good reason..

Advice:

Let yr B/f get the kids over for a visit and then you come over later.

If she wont allow the kids to come over when you are there-get your man to go to the police and lay a charge against her for the fact that she is withholding access-abduction etc..

this will make her come around- also tell her you'll chuck them out of the house if they don't cooperate.

Answer 9

I am not sure how your relationship started (i.e. before they were split or not) it really doesn't matter. I think the reason she is probably yelling and screaming is because she is probably hurt. She probably isn't over him even though she has a new boyfriend. Maybe you should give her some time and I am sure she will change her mind. Hopefully things will work out soon so you can all get on with your lives and the children can start enjoying time with all of you.

Answer 10

Hi Brit, just remember the other people on here slating you have nothing better to do so try and ignore them...its so sad to hear your story. if your boyfriend has been estranged from his kids for a while then he will need to bond with them and obviously the only place he can do that is with you at yours and his house,,so be patient hun, lifes a ***** and the ex also it seems..she obviously still has issues regarding your boyfriend...shes probably jealous of the two of you and this is the only way she can cause you both trouble..stick it out, stay firm and true to yourselves and enjoy the kids too. i wish you all the luck in the world.

Harold S is right on what he says.

Answer 11

Get your boyfriend to go to a soliceters get the courts to sort it i was in the same position as your boyfreinds ex wife and also as yourself .Your boyfreind has rights too but you need to think about how this all is effecting the kids.Good luck it will be a long hard battle if your partner decides to drag the kids through court because it is the children that will suffer when asked to choose between parents.