How can I get my mom out of a 35 year abusive marriage?

Question

My mom is great. She stayed home to raise my bother and me and now she watches my little girl while I'm at work/school. I've never really liked my dad. He's been physically and verbally abusive to all of us... but it's only verbally now that we're older. I know he's cheating on my mom. He lies all the time... he even went to Hawaii without her claiming that he was going with his "music buddies." It makes me sick. My poor mom feels so bad about herself and she actually believes him when he lies!!! I think she just wants it all to go away. She's been totally dependent on him since she was 16. I love my mom and I hate to see her this way. He is very controlling in every way and I sneak my mom money whenever I get paid. I even opened up a bank account with her in hopes that she would leave him. She just acts like everything is fine... when we all know that something is wrong. What can I do to help my mom?

She had a terrible childhood. Her father was an alcoholic and was abusive and even shot at her before.

I know she wants my help/company because I'm the only one who stands up for her. But she's always been so dependent... I think she really just doesn't know what to do. I love her to death and wish I could help her. She needs it.

I guess I just asked the wrong people. You really have to know my mom to see what I'm talking about. And my daughter is not in any danger. Just forget I asked...

Answer 1

I know you have heard the word "denial" a million times, but that is what your mother is going through. Denial, she will not allow herself to believe that he is cheating, that he is a liar, that there is anything wrong at all. Add to that the fact that she has been dependent on him for so long and probably has little if any marketable skills and feels trapped by that as well and she is probably very embarrassed to admit that she feels trapped. She would also have to admit that she was wrong about him and all the times she supported him, she will look foolish to people around her, including you and your brother. It is very hard, very hard for someone in your mom's position to admit that the one thing that she dedicated her life to and worked so hard at was all a failure because her husband is a liar and a cheat. Not that she failed you and your brother, but she failed as a wife. When in reality, she is not the one that failed, he did, he lied, he cheats, he is the one that failed her. She will be very difficult to move out of that mind set. Good luck and for her sake, I hope she will see the light and move on.

Answer 2

I'm disagreeing with most people here because it would be the most dangerous thing for you to do to go to your Mom's because he knows where that is, doesn't he? Okay, there's the reliable stat that says most victims of domestic violence leave and return to their abuser six times before they finally leave for good (or they get killed, sorry..) Another stat states that the most dangerous time for you and your kids is the moment you leave and six months thereafter, SO, I would say either stay and save your money OR call a few domestic violence shelters (of course, they will be at 100% capacity) every three hours----when he's not home..duh!...I know you know this....and, eventually, space will open up for you and your kids. The shelter will provide counseling for you, your daughter and son. Also, it will give you legal referrals to handle child custody issues, etc (also, it's a good way to "prove" to the Judge that domestic violence was an issue---a difficult thing to prove, even if cops came to your house (cops probably entered in their notes that is was an arguement and not as domestic violence, as it definitely was) If he doesn't know where your Mom lives, I guess that's a second option but not good because I'm afraid that your brother may sabotage your work. Speaking of sabotaging your work, if your spouse knows where you work, he may show up and cause you to lose your job. To try to keep this from occuring, get a Protective Order (not just a Restraining Order) Find out what the difference is from a domestic violence hotline number. If they don't know the difference, then make an appointment with the Legal Advocate there and she'll tell you the difference between the two. Please don't trust him for a second with your kids. Because if you do, and you believe that he will return them to you, he won't. He will keep the kids until you return to him and then who knows what will happen. Please know that the death of victims of domestic violence by their partners is very real and that, even though you think he wouldn't go that far, he may, if he thinks that you'll never return. And, it sounds like this time, you mean it. Take care and congratulations on the supreme courage this takes; you're preventing your son from being an abuser when he grows up and you're keeping your daughter from being abused when she gets older. Well done for breaking the cycle---you're a very brave woman and remember, it was NEVER your fault!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

Probably nothing; she doesn't know any other way, now.
Are there any assets in her name? Depending on where
she lives, she might get a bad deal from a divorce and end up homeless. It is nice of you to have an account for her;
Maybe you could check into divorce law where you live; see how your mom would make out. Medical/health insurance
alone is quite expensive. It sounds like your dad has some assets that are being spent on another woman. Your dad's abuse is his way of keeping her at arm's length so he can do as he pleases, and still have a maid. It's so wrong!

Answer 4

If your mom wanted out, she would have left by now. Your mom let your dad treat you like he did. There is nothing you can do. It's her choice to stay with him. She could have gone to a women's shelter a long time ago, but chose not to. She'll leave when she's finally had enough of him.

P.S. It's time to quit sneaking your mom money. Maybe if you quit supporting her, she'll be woman enough to support herself and not use you for it. Does your husband know you sneak her money? If not, go ahead and tell him. You don't want anything hidden between you and him.

Answer 5

First of all I'm very proud of you for wanting to help your mom, take a stand! Very few kids do that.... But on your own your less likely to succeed.... Maybe you should seek help from a close relative who is aware of the situation and thinks the same as you... But I can tell you this : the only person who can really help your mom, is herself! Sounds like she is in denial.. I'm almost sure she puts up with your dad's behavior because of her kids ( classis scenario)..Maybe you need to let her know that their break-up won't hurt you guys ( although you need to talk to your siblings first and make sure they will not sufer from this).... Good luck!

Answer 6

Help her get involved with women her age. Ceramics, book club, church group,exercise whatever. Keep trying different things until she finds a group she clicks with.
She'll see simularities with women her own age and they'll encourage her in a different way than we as daughters would.
I wanted her to fight against it, don't take that crap. Mom and my conversations revolved around the latest rude thing (Me doing all the talking)....but the group of women shut me out, they didn't want to waste their time taking about her problems, they just wanted to make my mom feel better and they did.

Answer 7

This is a decision only she can make. Try to let her know as much as possible that you will be there to support her in any way if she makes this decision. Some people are more fearful of what they don't know than what they do know.
I'm sorry that all of you have gone through this but ultimately it is her decision.

Answer 8

I think the best way to approach it, is to ask her to get therapy, not marriage counseling, but counseling for herself. She has to feel "worthy" of feeling and being happy. She obviously, has numbed her own feelings, just to cope with living with her husband. He apparently will never change his ways. But, it's your mom who needs to figure out on her own, when she's had enough.

You are a great daughter, but sometimes it really takes the person affected to seek help on their own. Once she has the rude awakening, she will make steps to change. Your mom, may very well love your father, but it's important for her to find out that she has to love herself even more. Not in a selfish way, but in the way God meant it to be.

It is very difficult for a woman, especially when she has depended on your father, to become an independent woman. But now that her kids are grown, she really has to focus on herself. She should take classes, or do things that she really enjoys doing. She needs to get out more, socialize with other people and meet new friends.

But, again her first step is to seek professional counseling. Set goals, and act on them, if your father does not appreciate her, she needs to move on. Neglecting ourselves, and burying our feelings, only makes it worse, with stress, our immune system is affected. She will add more years to her life, if she makes changes now. Let her know you love her and you and her grandchildren want to have her around for many more years. Let her know you support her and want to see her feel joy again. Fear is our own worst enemy, once we overcome it, everything else, will be easier to handle.

Answer 9

Maybe she is afraid. We have no idea what kind of things might have been said or done to her. Maybe you could go to a therapost with her and get help trying to get her to realize the truth? I'm so sorry and I wish you all the best of luck!

Answer 10

She needs to decide when it is time. And it can be never as far as she's concerned. There probably isnt much you can do to convince her otherwise. Why not simply get her out more often, and enjoy your company together.