Am I ruining my marriage?

Question

I've been married less than a month. I know I love my husband, and until very recently, was certain he loved me too, more than anything. However, I feel he's done a 180, and he says it's my fault. While I don't feel I criticize him (I make a conscience effort not too), he feels under attack a lot of the time and is very sensitive and angry and defensive. He loses his temper almost immediately if he senses a disagreement of any kind coming on. He is less affectionate, has stopped saying he loves me unless I say it first (but when asked says how much he does love me, only it seems out of obligation), he doesn't look at me the same way, it just isn't what I thought it was going to be. HE isn't what he used to be. And in such a short time!! How does a marriage go south so fast? I cry almost daily and he never seems happy with me anymore. He's unwilling to communicate or try to fix things, but won't leave me and says he is committed. Am I expecting too much?

Answer 1

Oh Gawd, such bad advice in this one... The only one who makes any sense at all is KV, she is probably a damn good wife.

Basic problem is men get married hoping that thier wives never change, women get married hoping that thier husbands will. It's all in how the two different sexes approach life and love.

Simple fact of the matter is women practically from birth start planning out thier lives in vivid detail and in all aspects. This includes Dating, Marriage, Children, Work, House and absolutely everything else she can imagine (I was litterally blown away with just how much women actually plan out thier lives in advance after talking to several women).

The first goals she usually starts actually working on at an early age is school and then the process of finding a mate. Well they learn pretty early on how to attract a man, and they will play into this a great degree mixing in thier own personality. Problem is they start to discover that no man is capable of being exactly what they are looking for, so they begin to look for one that is somewhere in the ball park of what they want, thinking they can fix him and change him into what they really want.

Now men we sort of generalize what we want when we are pursuing after any goal, and roll with the punches so to speak, adjusting our goals given whatever opprotunities come our way. When we start looking for a woman, well first thing that we are honestly looking for is a woman that can make us smile, someone that will make us feel like a man, and appears for all intents and purposes just what we want. Well when one comes along that fits exactly what we are looking for it's oh wow, she's amazing (Sometimes we do settle)! Next thing we know we are out buying a ring and on our way to getting married.

Now granted men get to see an almost scarey side of thier woman when it comes to the wedding planning stages. We get a glimpse of just how much detail and thought the woman has put into the event and exactly how demanding the woman is when it comes to making sure everything is just perfect and how upset they get when it is not. Most men will step back and say to themselves ok, she's gone nuts, but it's her day and im sure it will pass when the wedding is over and she'll return to her normal self (HAHA! So much for thinking!).

Now usually what happens after the honey moon is over and the dust is clearing. You gotta remember that women are very goal orientated, visciously so, just talk to female atheletes (You wanna talk about win at all costs attitude). So they take a look at the next step in thier life plan and begin working on that. Well first things first, have to get the husband to do and change into what she wants (I know this sounds a little bit mean, but i do not intend it as such).

Next thing the man knows he's got this little woman that is suddenly wanting him to do this that one thing or another, demanding this and that and getting upset when things just dont seem to happen the way she expects them too (again i don't mean this to sound as deragotry as it sounds). Often all this is at the cost of the person that she was when they were dating, after all the woman no longer needs to be that person to accomplish her goals. And as much as he tries to do what he thinks she wants him to, it never seems to be enough, and of course the man gets ticked off as this isn't the woman that he precieved he was marrying. Eventually given enough time the man will either become a lump on the couch holding the remote and watching T.V. or he will run off and find a mistress that will treat him the way his wife used to or he will just get fed up and leave.

If you really want to fix this do as KV suggested, and return to being the woman that you were when you were dating him. Dump all those unrealistic plans that you had for your life, and then talk to him and build new goals to work towards together. And most of all accept him for who he is, your never going to get him to change, you cannot fix him he is who he is.

Answer 2

You're suffering from "Newly Married Syndrome". Many newly married couples go through exactly what you two are going through. The first year of marriage is quite difficult.

You may not realize it, but you could be criticizing him without directly saying anything. By your actions, attitude, etc. He feels as though he's being judged. Are you so sure you aren't judging him? Your question sounds like you're blaming him for all of the problems.

Don't wait for him to "fix things". You start fixing things on your own and he will follow suit.

Seeing a marriage counselor alone and/or together would be good for you. You can work through your issues and expectations of the marriage, your husband and yourself.

Be sure to get the kinks worked out of the marriage before you have children. There will be much less time, energy and money to tackle problems when you have a child.

Good luck!

Answer 3

This happens to a lot of people when they first get married. You're suddenly trapped.

Try to be more carefree. Stop asking him to be a woman (i.e. talk, confide, etc). Lighten the mood a little. Take him on dates. Try to do fun things together. Do things on your own too (it gives him a little more freedom).

Ignore his temper. If he wants to have a tantrum...let him.

Tell him you love him just to tell him. Just so he hears. Don't expect him to say it back and don't reward him for saying it half heartedly.

Sounds like he's been overworked with emotional examination. He doesn't like that you're questioning him, probably. Really, pretend as if nothing is wrong for a while. Go about your day happy, motivated and loving him.

Don't be so dependent on him for how you feel. And if you are criticizing him, STOP. Make sure the days are positive. Focus on what he does right and leave the rest alone for a while. If he gets better, than it might have been the way you were functioning in the relationship.

He might be feeling trapped suddenly. Give him a little breathing room.

Answer 4

Sounds like neither of you are willing to compromise. If you dont figure out how to do this, your marriage will fail. That is the first rule in marriage. Also, give each other a break, you will have different ways of doing things and different things will be important. Try fixing your husband a big dinner, and have a good long discussion about what you both expect. Then both of you learn to compromise and communicate.

Answer 5

It doesn't sound to me like YOU'RE the one ruining your marriage. Some people change after marriage, it may be unconscious, or it could be that you didn't get to know each other as long as you should have.

My two year marriage is in a similar situation, but not as extreme. Sometimes though, it's better to end things before they get too bad and salvage a friendship (if possible).

Answer 6

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'm in a similar situation (married 2 months). I'm sure every time you guys have a fight... you end up saying you're sorry and feeling really bad about yourself.

Were there any warning signs while you were dating? My husband and I broke up for about 6 weeks when we were dating... and that was because I finally found the courage to leave after a year of what you're describing. He came around and became a total mess. He would call me crying, telling me how much he loves me and misses me. I gave him another chance. We still had fights after we got back together... but not nearly as bad as before. Now that we're married, it seems like we're fighting all the time. (We even fought on our honeymoon!) And he always says it's because of how I'm acting. If only he could see........

Anyway, seek counseling for yourself. That's what I'm doing right now. I couldn't take feeling so depressed anymore. Hopefully it helps me with my self-esteem. I think it will and things that he does probably wont bother me as much.

I wish you luck... don't give up on your hubby. I'm sure he really does love you, he's just tired of fighting as well. The next time you see him... go to him and hug him; tell him how much you appreciate him and love him. Try it... it just might help. =)

Answer 7

You are not expecting too much.
I am due to marry in a month and expect a comedown awterward.We associte the excitement of our marriage with our partner and we can develop an idealised almost honeymoon view of them.Once we marry psycologically the party is over and anti climax sets in for both parties.
Speak to your husband,tell him that nothing need change now you are married and that you will always be there for him if he wishes. Make sure he realises that marriage doesn't mean ownership or he may feel trapped. good luck! x

Answer 8

This happened to a friend of a friend of mine many years back. It seems that her husband was unable to adapt to being married. He was not used to being scheduled e.g go back home straight after work, pick up groceries etc. He was envious of his single friends who could do pretty much what they wanted to do, at their own time. So he kinda turned against her as if blaming her for his unhappiness. So my friend left and seeked refuge at her parents'. She was contemplating divorce when a month after she moved out, he came over and on one knee, asked that she go home to him. He apologised and explained what had happened. He only realised during her absence that he really wanted to stay married and was willing to make their marriage last.
I dont know if it is the case with your husband but maybe you should consider 'time out'.
All the best!

Answer 9

This is a really good reason why premarital counseling is a good thing.

I'd say he woke up and said to himself, "Oh my G**! What on Earth did I do now!! What was I thinking!"

He may also be patterning his idea of marriage after his own parents relationship - or train wreck - as the case may be.

Call a good lawyer and have this annulled. He won't get better and will appreciate the release.

Don't discuss it with him either. He'll just argue and become abusive. Merely present him with papers on your way out the door.

You deserve better than this!

Answer 10

yes u are, and you are reading into things too much. Maybe just because you guys have been together for a while, and you are already married to one another, he feels like he doesn't have to show as much because he already has you, just keep on telling him you love him, and keep trying hard for your own marriage, I don't think there is a problem, and just ask him, try communicating people

Answer 11

it sounds to meas if you two were great as best buddies but not so great as husband and wife. That does happen, you need to get some professional help otherwise I would call it a day before you get any deeper into a marriage you find intolerable