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...would you get an instantaeous divorce? Or, would you figure, maybe I am partly at fault? Or, figure, I cannot support myself and the children even with support, it would kill my parents, I can't take the humiliation, etc?

2007-07-18 04:36:10 · 30 answers · asked by danashelchan 5 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

oh by the way it isn't me cheating or being cheated on. I am asking partly for people going through it and for what advice to give to some friends.

I don't want her to throw her husband out too quickly and have a terrible life full of poverty just for his quickie.

2007-07-18 04:44:46 · update #1

30 answers

I'm going through the same thing right now and I do feel partly at fault. We just built a house together and I was commuting 80 miles each way to work and back and I was so tired and fed up that I really started neglecting him and taking him for granted. I am not going with the instantaneous divorce, I am taking it "one day at a time" and now he is coming home right after work and I am just totally taking care of him and I will see where that leads us. In my case he says the "cheating" is not sexual, I just may be really stupid tho. Also, you have to make the list of pros and cons on the relationship to see if the good outweighs the bad. Good Luck and God Bless You. Oh praying about the situation really works well also. Put the situation in God's hands.

2007-07-18 04:47:52 · answer #1 · answered by Cathy S 1 · 1 0

You need to talk to him about it, then if you feel he will change and you can try to make it work, go to counseling. If you think he will keep doing it, start planning on a separation and making plans on how you will manage the bills, child care, etc on your own. You are not at fault at all. If people are not happy they need to talk to each other, not go find someone to sleep with, that does not fix the marriage it makes it worse. There is no reason to feel humiliated, your parents will want what is best for you, your kids and your happiness, and you are stronger than you think. You will find when you are on your own your kids are so important you will find a way to make it work. You will become a better person for the struggles you go through, and your kids will be happier if you are happier. Make sure you make some friends and if your family offers some assistance, like watching the kids or maybe paying for you to have a cell phone, let them. It is most likely their way of showing support for your decision. There are several agencies out there to help you manage your money and/or help you pay for bills, food, and medical coverage. Good luck with whatever you decide.

2007-07-18 11:44:59 · answer #2 · answered by supermom 2 · 0 0

I don't buy the "it was partly the other spouse's fault" crap. If the other person is making you unhappy, then you need to deal with that. Talk to them, work harder, or get some counseling. If it isn't going to work, then get a divorce. It is as simple as that. There is no good excuse for cheating.

That said, if my spouse did it, I would probably give her another chance. To err is human, to forgive divine. It would ultimately depend on the circumstances and her sincerity in wanting to make things right. If she didn't seem to care, then I'd divorce her and move on. If she did care, then we would give counseling a try and see what happens. People do work things out sometimes after someone cheats, but it takes a lot of effort. I would never, under ANY circumstances, take my spouse back if they did it again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

2007-07-18 11:43:34 · answer #3 · answered by Mr. Taco 7 · 0 0

When someone cheats they are making a conscious decision that they know could end the marriage. This should be evidence enough that the cheater is uninvested in the relationship. If you can move past infidelity in a marriage than I applaud your strength to forgive, but for me, I would wonder everythime he left the house if he was going to be faithful. In the end a relationship who's trust has be broken cannot easily be repaired to mended. I would have to walk away as hard as it may be. There is never an excuse to cheat, ever and the vicitm is NEVER at fault. Is it worth it to stay in a marriage and be unhappy for 'support'? People are afraid to leave a lot for this reason but you'll find you have more support than you realize.

2007-07-18 13:04:24 · answer #4 · answered by Tab 1 · 0 0

How can you be partly at fault for someone cheating? Regardless of how difficult things may be in your marriage, cheating by either party is a choice that person makes and makes alone. Your parents are not married to the cheater and neither of them has to climb into bed with someone that has just been having sex with someone else, so I just do not see how that could even figure into it.

Yes, I would be making a hot run for the lawyers office and I would be terminating the marriage as fast as legally possible.

2007-07-18 11:42:13 · answer #5 · answered by Suthern R 5 · 0 0

First I would evaluate the situation... am I willing to try to forgive or will I not be able to forgive.
If I can forgive then I would try to save the marriage but, if it is going to cause me to question their every move and never trust them again, it's best to get out.
I WOULD NOT figure it was my fault because if I was not satisfying my partner it is because he didn't express this to me and give me a chance to fix it.
If the situation is that bad you can always find a way to support yourself and your children...child support, alimony, food stamps, etc. You may have to make some living adjustments- like basic cable instead of dish, no land line, trading in a car for a cheaper one. BUDGET!
I think it would kill your parents even more to know that you are compromising your happiness for theirs.
You should never be embarrassed, you weren't in the wrong, your spouse was- they should be embarrassed by their misbehavior.

2007-07-18 11:52:55 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Right, It is never you fault if you spouse is cheating. But, it is hard to just say yes divorce. It may be right for you it may not. You have to take whatever steps are going to be the best for you, regardless of what others may think (it is not anyones business but your own). You must also not make the decision based on what you may think is best for your kids (I know people will balk at this) but you kids will always respond to how you are feeling.Wearing a brave facade will not fool anyone for long. Remember what is best for your kids is to have a parent that is whole and happy so that you can pass that happiness to them as a genuine thing.

2007-07-18 11:46:04 · answer #7 · answered by unholycricket 5 · 0 0

You may have contributed to problems in your marriage but the affair(s) are not your fault. Those are issues your husband needs to work on. Speaking from experience, I would have a list of things I needed in order to make the relationship work. What do you need for him to do to make the relationship work? Examples would be first and foremost get professional counseling, insist that he be accountable with everything - a nothing to hide attitude. He should be willing to share everything, cell phone, emails, phone calls, credit card info, everything. If he isn't willing to do these things, it will probably happen again and are you willing to keep going through it down the road? If he isn't willing to get help, send him on his way. Life is too short to live like this!

2007-07-18 11:51:02 · answer #8 · answered by sandy d 1 · 0 0

When I discover my ex--h cheating. I was devastated, I was confused, lost, didn't know what to do. I kinda wanted to "hold on" and see if he was going to come to his senses, but when is over is over and if your spouse doen;t love you anymore, there is nothing that you can do.

It was hard for me to grow a spine and get a lawyer. It ust felt like somehow I was bretraying my marriage, my values and beliefs. No one wants to do it, but as unconfortable that it is, it has to be done before you get screwed big time.

I kept all of this from my family and friends. I was embarrased and didn't want anyone's opinion about what was going on.

O gave him a chance and we went to counselling for a few months. It worked very well, he was commited, he was a changed man! But something was broken inside of me, something shifted and in my heart I reached the point of no return. His best efforts irritated me to no end! it was too little too late and I just wanted out.

I find me a lawyer, told him that I wanted a divorce. I'm a happy and free woman now. I was scared to start over and I was affraid of not being able to make it on my own with solely my paycheck...it was scarry, but I did it. I cannot go on shopping sprees anymore and don't have a 3500 sq ft. home, but I'm happy and peace of mind is priceless.

Good luck

2007-07-18 11:53:49 · answer #9 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0 0

divorce that second and some nasty name calling at least and it depends how I found out.... if it was in the wrong way, I am betting the court system would be involved and almost always when you are getting cheated on it is your fault, remember that. I don't agree with cheating and I would break up with someone if I wanted to be with someone else that bad, but if I want to be with someone else that bad, it is because my significant other isn't satisfying my needs either physically or mentally

2007-07-18 11:39:39 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

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