Who is more wrong?

Question

I have thought my spouse has been a little sneaky for a while. This morning I went through his cell phone and checked his sent text messages. I found one from an old ex-girlfriend that he recently found again on Facebook. I confronted him. He feels violated because I went through his cell. I feel violated because he is having secret communication with this woman. I also might add he has flat out told me he wasn't even talking to her on facebook anymore.

We are both wrong...but who is more wrong in your opinion.

Please...helpful answers. I just don't need a BS today! :)

Thank you.

Answer 1

just so you know that's what guys do! they turn it around so you feel guilty. I'm telling you now stay strong, decide what you want and go after it.(whether to fix it to leave it) your not to blame, and i suggest you start to believe that if you don't he will start to manipulate you into thinking any wrong he does is all your fault. i hate to tell this but the flat out lying is not a good sign. if you find yourself becoming at detective and a forensic specialist trying to catch your spouse doing wrong then all trust is gone and its time to re evaluate your relationship(not to mention your turning into somebody you probably dont wanna be, like paranoid, suspicious, nervous) .....Stay strong and confident. and remember you can do bad all by yourself

Answer 2

Just because you don't even know how you sound, Yes you are right, you are both wrong, there is no measure on who is "more wrong" but you both should try to fix this problem, work hard on this marriage, and don't give up, let him know that you are hurt that he lied, and ALSO don't forget to apologize for being a snoop, but let him know that there is certain behaviors that people have that give others the impression that they are hiding something, and don't forget to remind him that in a marriage there is not one person's item, it is the both of your items, and you do have a right to see what he is doing, after all the text messages are an extra cost and you have to know where your money is going...

Answer 3

You are asking if YOU are wrong for following up on suspicion that your husband was maybe being unfaithful?!?!? NO...and I think that he saying he is feeling "violated" because one, he was caught and two because getting mad at you and putting blame on what you did lesses the focus on this fault and takes a little bit of the guilt and wrong off of what he did. Was he wrong, absolutely, if it was innocent why didn't he just tell you? Were you wrong..no, if you ever believe someone is wronging you than you have a right to find that out, there is a line that can be crossed, but you looking in his phone did not cross that line.

Answer 4

I know this might sound wrong, and I know it's not what you want to hear, but when you dig for stuff there is a 90% you'll find it. I don't think it's a question of who is more wrong than the other. I think you both are equally wrong because A) he shouldn't have lied to you and B) because you shouldn't have went thru his stuff. If you trust your boyfriend (from the look of things you probably don't) then you shouldn't have to snoop. If you do not, then how can you maintain a relationship without trust? I wouldn't suggest packing your bags over a facebook conversation but you might want to re-evaluate the integrity of your relationship.

Answer 5

I think you are more in the wrong. He is not flirting wiht her, he is not screwing her, he is just merely talking to her. But you had to go, and violate HIS privacy (yes, married people do have that)

You also have to look on how you confronted him on the whole "facebook" issue. If you asked nicly (which I doubt) then he would have said yea he was and that its nothing but trying to reach out to old friends. Or you were naggy and intimating about it and he said NO so you wouldn't bother him about it.

And also, he might not have been talking to her on facebook anymore..hence the reason he was TEXTING her..you didn't find these "secret texts" on facebook..so why should it matter?

You have no faith in your man, and you need to back off. He doesn't tell you who to talk to and who not to, right? Well you need to treat him like a man and do the same thing. Would you want to be told by your spouse that you can't talk to someone in your past just because you u sed to date them? I think you woudl be REALLY upset.

So stop with the dramatics, STOP being jealous and maybe...(this is just a thought) let your husband talk to who he wants to. The more you act like that, the more he is going to be sneaky and not tell you things like "hey, i'm talking to an old fling, you have nothing to worry about, she's just a friend now"

ease up a little..alright?

Answer 6

Dear Brenda,

In this case, your husband was wrong for contacting his old flame and neglecting to tell you he had done so. I have often thought that we women have "radar" that alerts us to bad things our husbands do from time-to-time. Perhaps, you were picking up on this.

Now, just a small point you both need to keep in mind in the future. When you marry, you are a team. You protect one another from the rest of the world and it's hard knocks. There is no score to be kept. This means that you don't keep bringing up past bad behaviour. However, this does not mean that you are not alert to continued bad behaviour. When either of you are uncomfortable about what is going on with the other, you need to sit down immediately and talk it through. Instead of blaming, tell the other one what you NEED....as in, "I need you to tell me when you have....," or "I can handle this better if you would tell me about....." Both of you must learn and grow in how you treat one another.

Neither of you received the new ability to read one another's minds when you got married. You MUST communicate in a non-combative manner to keep things running smoothly in your marriage.

Good luck, Bren, you can do this. Both of you talk, talk, talk to each other. :)

Answer 7

Having suspicions and doing research to confirm or deny these suspicions is prudent behavior. It is obvious he can not be trusted and you proved it by looking at his text message log. I don't know how you are in the wrong. His only defense is to blame you for violating his privacy. Don't let him bully you for what you found out about his behavior.

Good luck. I see some arguments in your future.

Answer 8

It doesn't matter as you already know both were wrong. Point is he lied and you snooped. So either forgive him or not (for you) and (for him), He stops or he doesn't. Either way, you both have spent a little time behind the others back. I see trouble in the future for you both if you don't get it together and do as you both promised on the wedding day.

Answer 9

Why is it necessary to calculate the degree of wrongness? Even if you were able to mathematically establish a figure, neither of you would be absolved of culpability.

You need to go forth from this point, with rational communication about how to reestablish the trust in your marriage.

Forget about who was more wrong. You have bigger troubles than that, and you need to address them.

Answer 10

These answers are insane. You are not more wrong by any means. I think looking at a spouse's cell phone is pretty normal behavior for most people. People are generally a bit nosy sometimes, that's all there is to it. He's the *** hat for texting old girlfriends.