Serious advice needed regarding my marriage. Lazy husband and dont know what to do. PLEASE Help!!?

Question

I am married with 5 kids to my hubby. He is sweet, kind and nice natured and all, but he is as lazy as hell. I work 60 hours a week, run a business from home as well on weekends and he does not work. He is meant to do the home duties etc and he does as little as possible. I do a lot of the housework, cleaning and monitoring of the children.One child is diabetic, and blood records dont get recorded.The doctors have asked and asked, and I cover up for him. All he does is sit at a computer all day, OR on the X box, or shops on eBay. He has drained my account, and now have little money to register the car. I try and sit and talk with him but it goes nowhere. He is good for a few days, then slips back again. I struggle and struggle, and now feel I cant do this any more. I am considering leaving him to make things better for the kids mainly. We didnt have much money to take the kids out this holidays neither, but money was spent on expensive hi fi stuff, we already have.Please help?

To add more to this, he wasnt like it when I met him.He worked like 2 men.His mother pandered to all of his needs until she passed away. I work from home and run a business and always had separate accounts.For the past 12 years, he has always had my account card and used wisely. This past 3 years he has slipped away.I say something, he gets angry.I ask him to do things, and I am bossy.I cant even guilt him into doing things.I buy things to clean up like weed wackers, and the weeds are now 3 foot high, and the wacker is still in the box, along with the poison sprayer etc. The kids are lazy, and if I ask for clean up, im nagging and taking away their childhood. He is so gentle and sweet though, and so casual about things. He knows I am not happy, but has not done one darn thing to help solve any of this. I applied for a government job, and if I get it, then I guess I am going to have to say goodbye. All he talks about is the extra money that might be coming in and how we can spend it!

Answer 1

If he is going to act like a child treat him like one. I generally believe in joint accounts but in your situation I would suggest getting a personal account. disconnect the x-box/cpu and don't let him have it until his responsibilities are looked after. Don't let him have money until his responsibilities are looked after. You wouldn't let the kids get away with this behaviour so why should he. Until he acts like an adult why should he be treated as one. Basically cut him off completely until he starts doing what he should be doing, if he doesn't like it he can shape up or ship out.

Answer 2

Laziness would be a deal breaker for me. Other things, I can accept, but laziness, no. If he is sitting around the house doing nothing, then why doesn't he just get a job? He is not getting the chores done anyway, and would be more productive working somewhere bringing in some money. You are going to kill yourself working and trying to hold things together at home. He needs a big wake up call. Would you consider getting rid of the internet, computer, TV, Xbox, anything else electronic? Send him to the store and while he is out have your friend come and help you load it all up and haul it away. You can always sell the stuff and pay the bills. Tell him if he wants it back he can get his own place and a job and buy those things for his new place. With all the money he has left after he pays the child support.

Answer 3

Just don't put your paycheck into that account honey. Open a new one without him having access to it. Then sit him down and tell him that this is what is going to happen from now on. He cannot spend anymore. If he wants to spend, he needs to work and make money. There will be no more expensive hi-fi or car stuff because you are saving up to give the kids the best holidays ever. Tell him since you are the bread winner, you have the pants in this family. Give him a small allowance for essentials, but no more.

Good luck !

P.S. He must be good in bed for you to stick around, but is it worth it ?

Answer 4

Leech or parasite are the words that come to mind when I read what you have written. He does not work, yet he spends all his time on the computer, eBay or the x-box and spending what money you do make? How do you get sweet and kind out of that? He is a user and you are his enabler. Cut the funds off sweetie, set up your own account and do not let him have access to the money to spend. Cut off the credit cards, cut off the TV and internet unless you need them to do your business. Mostly you need to take his access to the money away and get him off his lazy butt and get him to work. As long as you allow him to sit and do nothing and still have money to spend, food to eat and pay the bills so that he can play on the web and shop on eBay and play games, that is exactly what he will do. He will apologize every time you get upset and then he will will slide right back into the EASY life. You keep doing and covering just like you said. I do not mean this ugly, but you are as much a part of the problem as he is by covering for him.

Answer 5

Something changed 3 or 4 years ago. He didn't start out a lazy bum. When did his mother pass away? Or maybe 5 kids is too much stress, not sure I could handle that. He could be depressed or stressed, it's surprising how stressful and soul-destroying a lack of work can become. I would take control of the accounts, as others suggested, but also try and find out what the underlying problem is. If he's simply turned into a lazy bum, cut off the benefits until he gets to work to pay for them himself. But there may be more to it. He needs to stop the rot, and you need to stop being a meal ticket.

Answer 6

There is no reason why your husband should be out of work.

He is supposed to be the head of the household naturally, but it seems like he has become a sixth kid. When the bills come in, throw it in his face. Show him how much you have to spend on bills every month, plus give him an estimate on how much the kids--plus himself--costs. Then go online with your husband and find him a job. Line up interviews to get him out of the house. Since you work at home and you basically handle the kids by yourself, take care of them while you are at home.

And if he chooses not to: remind him that you pay for everything, including the house, and you have right to kick him out. To take it a step further, seperate your accounts. You keep your money so he will not have the money to waste like he does.

Answer 7

Your situation seems very stressful, there are a couple things that are good to consider before you make up your mind and leave him. Your kids seem to be your priority, so evaluate how their life's will change without their dad around, think about yourself too, even though he's not keeping up with his part of the agreement, picture your life without him. You still describe you husband as kind and sweet, this probably means you still have hopes that he'll come along and change, however if things around your house remain the same, it's very unlikely that he'll change. He probably needs a "reality check"! try and think of something he takes for granted and that you are paying for, if you can, stop paying for it, he might get his act together and start working to get it back. It seems like life for him is far more comfortable than for you, altering his world a bit by changing the things he takes for granted might bring him back to his senses.

Answer 8

O, your hubby is taking advantage. Kick his lazy bum into high gear. Take away his toys, open a bank account in YOUR name, and YOU control finances. If he is not going to help, then make sure he cannot hurt.

He can watch the kids, clean the house and do his share.

IF he can do his part, he can be allotted time with his toys. If not, they can be sold or pawned for the money YOU and his KIDS need.

If all else fails, he can support them and you via alimony and child support.

Best of luck.

Answer 9

OK, maybe I'm having a testosterone moment here, but I would hang my head in shame. There are five children in this picture, and I'm a single dad with sole custody of two beautiful boys. I cannot imagine five and little or no help. It is time to take a stand. There has to be a "team" effort for this relationship, and it "must" be an equal share of the duties. As long as he is allowed to sit on his "dead" @ss , believe me, he will. Sit down and communicate as best as you are able without losing your temper, and if there is no happy-medium, "LEAVE." Sometimes it takes a heavy dose of reality to move some people. Hang in there and stand up for your right to live as normal a life as you can. Good Luck!

Answer 10

There is really nothing you can do to change your husband (and why should he when he's got it so good?) I have been in your situation so I speak from experience. My husband wouldn't keep a job. He preferred to take our last dollar and sit at the pool hall gambling or sit in front of the TV, He drained me...financially, physically and emotionally. I told him I could not go on like that. He ignored me and I had to divorce him. I still cared for him and as he got older and ill, I made sure he was taken care of. I lived with him the last few years because he needed physical care and I was there to his last breath. But the circumstances were different. He did not have access to my money. I made the decisions about what was needed and what was not. So I no longer resented him.
You must protect yourself and the children's welfare. You must be independent financially. It changed my attitude to one of compassion instead of anger and resentment.

Answer 11

You won't want to hear this but here goes. You can talk until you are blue in the face and get nowhere. Pack him a bag and give him bus fare so he can move to his own hole in the wall apartment and play with his game box or whatever. You have enough children to care for without the added burden of him. Talk to an attorney and get a divorce; for your own protection and for tax purposes. I admire your work ethic and grit, now cut your losses. If you should need any tax help let me know as I have done volunteer tax assistance work for 36 years. I am diabetic, too.