My husband has an alcohol problem?

Question

He drinks A LOT. Usually about 12 beers a day. We've been married for 8 years. He drank when we met, but not like he does now. I asked him to cut back back just one or two beers a day for a while, and he flew off the handle. He yelled, called me names, and tried to justify it so many ways... One time I printed out a list of long term effects of heavy alcohol consumption, and the same. I didn't want to offend him, I just wanted him to know I care about his health. He accuses me of being selfish because I want him to get help. It's obvious to me that I don't know how to handle the situation because I'm seriously upsetting him. I need help. How can I talk to him about this without pissing him off? What can I do to get him help?

Answer 1

Been there, done that. He'll never be able to discuss his alcohol problem without feeling that he's being attacked. Instead of attacking the actual drinking problems, attack the problems that cause the drinking. Maybe it's boredom, maybe he hates his job, maybe he's got family issues, or maybe he just has an addictive personality. I was successful at dealing with my mans problem using distractions. Yeah, it was sneaky... but it worked. Does he like going to the movies? How about playing basketball or bike riding? Distract him from drinking by taking him to do activities where alcohol isn't served. My guy loved basketball, so I talked him into going to the park with me. It became an everyday thing and that was almost 2 hours of the day he wasn't even thinking of beer. It was breaking him of the habit of coming home and cracking a beer. He drank when we got home from the park, but it was slowly getting better. I needed to distract him even longer. When gas prices started to go up, I talked him into riding bikes or walking to the park instead of driving, this took up even more time. Some days he was so tired he'd come home and watch a little tv drink a few beers and fall asleep. He actually started going to bed earlier and going to work an hour early! He made new friends and some of his old friends would come around more often. He started finding other activities he liked. The best part was we were using the money we saved from him not drinking to fund any costly activities. He was willing to go to movies, we joined a gym, he got back into skateboarding, and he's drinking less than ever! The problem isn't solved, but it's 90% better. I NEVER had to talk to him about his problem even once. I hope this helps, give it a try! It might just be that easy :)
If this doesn't help, and things get worse... first of all I'm sorry you're in that situation. If he is or does get violent you should stay away from him. I bet you love him a lot, and leaving would be hard but it's for your own good.

Answer 2

I can relate. I have been married for 7 yrs. Things have turned violent. The only thing that got my husband to understand how serious things were was last Fri. when he was violent and I drove through the grage door trying to get away from him and he shut the door on me. I have damaged my car, the house and I have bruises. If I call the police he will go to prison for being a habitual offender. I now want a divorce! I have begged and pleaded with him for 7 yrs. This past time since the spring. He is never violent till' he's had too much on an empty stomach. But lately this is an occuarnce that has been happening about every 10 days now.

Sometimes something serious has to happen before they see the light. Deep inside of him I know that he does not want to stop drinking even after all of this but he hasn't picked one up yet, but now it maybe to late for me to forgive again. He will start attending AA, so he says but he hasn't yet. He won't go to marriage counseling, so I will -at least I will be able to say I tried.

Alcohol sucks you in deeper and deeper and deeper till' there is nothing left and you have no one and you have lost everything and even then, that, sometimes isn't enough to make a person quit drinking.

Sorry you are where you are but if the alcoholic doesn't want help and doesn't want to change there isn't anyting anyone can do or say -he has to want to do it for himself and sometimes they want to but the hold that alcohol has on a person sometimes won't allow them too. It is a sickness of the spirit and of addiction and even once he may think he has it undercontrol then he'll think one beer won't hurt but before you know it one isn't enough, then 6 isn't, then 12 isn't ,then 18 isn't ,then 30 isn't and then you're right back where you started way back at the 12 pack.

*To answer your question -you can't do anything to help him and no matter what you do he will be pissed! Everything is your fualt and you are to blame in his eyes. The more you try the more he'll despise you, the more you complain the more he'll drink. I joined three on-line groups b/c at this point I need to help myself now! E-mail me any time! Maybe we could support eachother! Best of luck to you always! But I believe at this point there is no winning this struggle/challenge/game whatever you want to call it.

Answer 3

My boyfriend (he`s 50.. I`m in my 40`s) is constantly in the pub.. he goes there every day after work, I know he`ll be drunk when he comes home so I have to drink too because I cannot cope with him being drunk.. we`ve not had a proper relationship for about 2 years.. it will never get any better.. alcohol has affected our lives really.. AA probably wont help.. it might do in the short-term but personally I wouldnt bother.. my partner (23 years now) says he doesnt love me and to be honest, I dont love him.. I stopped caring now.. I just want out.. he`s more interested in his friends down the pub.. or what I`m cooking for dinner... get a better job, full time.. save a bit of cash if you can and sell your house and find someone else.. thats my plan...

Answer 4

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do if he doesn't want help. You'll have to wait until he self-destructs. In the meantime, stop bothering him about it. If he's working and not being physically abusive to you, leave him alone. If he's going to call you names, it's not worth the hassle. You might even buy a case of beer and leave it in the refrigerator, so he can drink himself into a coma (just kidding). As long as he can cope with his drinking, he'll drink. When he hits rock bottom, he'll get some help. It may be that if he thinks he's losing you, he'll stop. Don't appeal to him anymore; he's a grown man. Stay busy and If things get too bad, spend a few days at your moms.

Answer 5

My cousin was married to a long term alcoholic. We all tried to be understanding of her situation but fell short, no matter how we tried. She started attending Al anon. She swears it was what preserved her sanity. They ended up divorced and he was killed in an accident shortly afterwards. That was 2 years ago and she still attends meetings because she still feels the need to be around others who understand what she went through. I'm not sure it is possible to get help for an alcoholic. Get yourself some support and you might learn some new skills in dealing with your frustration, and some more effective ways in reacting to his anger. Good luck.

Answer 6

Try to see a marriage is not real like a birth or a death. It is a verbal agreement and the agreement can be broken like a contract. We have a legal system that does it . Why torture yourself in this way. Your well being is in jeopardy and the time is running out. What can your strip of a man do that other men cant? I guess you need our support to be brave enough to be alone . You are alone now .

Answer 7

If i were you, I would catch him in the morning when he is sober, or whatever time he is sober, and just tell him that you care about him and his health, and that you do not want to bury him, or you could try to scare him by getting funeral plans together and have him make decisions now so that he could realize that he can die if he doesn't stop now or at least cut back. Maybe this will open his eyes to what your motives are. And if he still refuses it might too late to interfere now, and you might want to talk to him about seperating until he does something about his problem, if he loves you, he might try hard to stop drinking.

Answer 8

The short answer is ...YOU CAN'T. The ONLY way to stop this is for HIM to want to. The more of a deal you make about it the more problems it'll create. You could challenge him to try to not drink for just 30 days and tell him you'll never bug him about it again if he does. 30 days is usually enough to "clean up" and see the problem but it's no guarantee.

Answer 9

You can do absolutely nothing to get him help!! He is an alcoholic! Unless he is willing to admit this, he will continue to drink! The fact that he blames you is classic. That is what alcoholics do. They are masters of manipulation!

Your decision needs to be based on your feelings. When you talk to him, you need to keep the focus on how you feel. NEVER talk to him when he is drinking!! He will not be rational. For example: "Honey, I love you! I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You are an adult and you are entitled to make your own decisions. However, I cannot continue to be in this relationship and watch you destroy yourself with alcohol. I am willing to do whatever I can to help you through this. I am begging you to get help, but if you refuse, I need to seperate myself from the situation." That will keep him from feeling attacked, and hopefully will make him realize that you are serious! The most important thing is that you ARE serious! DO NOT threaten to leave him if you are not prepared to do it! Idol threats will only make things worse and he will never take you seriously.

I suggest you look into ALANON or some other support group. You are becoming co-dependant, and that is not good for you or him! You need to set ground rules for yourself and stick to them.

I wish you the best of luck! Feel free to email me if you want to talk.

Answer 10

Marriage is all about compromise, ask him if there's anything he'd like you to change so you can compromise together. if you explain to him that it's not only himself he's hurting, but you too then maybe he'll understand just how worried you are. Make sure he knows that you don't want him to quit, all you're asking for is for him to cut back a bit. It's hard for someone to quit something they love to do from one day to the next, let him know that you understand.