"The Second Chance" poem?

Question

Nothing can describe
exactly what I'm feeling
That pain continues still
But there's something more revealing,
The pain is very strong
It's caused by sadness and depression
There's more the to story
Not meant by intention,
The feeling is undescribable
As if I'm losing control
Nothing matters to me
My life is put on hold,
My heart is getting weaker
No way can I survive
The breath is going cold
Knowing I'm going to die,
The life which I lead
Seems to have no meaning
Nothing can be said
No more change of relieveing,
Becoming so very tired
No matter how hard I try
The emotion is taking over
The tears cannot be dried,
Colors start to blend
Then they fade away
Did I serve my purpose?
Am I here to stay?,
What comes nex I ask?
Nothing around me stirs
Can anyone hear me I wonder
Then colors start to blur,
I lay in a bed
What has happened to me?
Everyone is crying
A second chance to believe,

I don't deseve this gift
There has to be a ploy
You died yes he says
Your death has been destroyed,

Then he said:

Take this chance
Find your way
Stay true to yourself
Find a better day,
Listen to the cries
Birth is such a gift
Life can be taken away
Just as swift,
Remember what you learned
Just don't toss it aside
One day you'll live with me
This just wasn't your time..."

Do You Believe?

Answer 1

the rhythm got a little ackward when you went to the moral point of the poem. But if you leave the moral point off the poem I think it would be a great poem to describe divorce or breaking up. Good rhyming and rhythm.

Answer 2

I think I know where you were emotionally when you wrote this poem. I think many of us experience that sense of utter futility and the feeling that nothing that should matter does matter. What is even worse is when you try to write about it (the source of your alienation/despair) and can't articulate it because maybe you are afraid or unwilling to drill down that deeply. I've done that too...too many times than I care to count...written a poem about how terrible I feel without bringing any new insight to myself (and eventually, the reader) about the cause of my depression. I think the next time you feel this way (or if you still feel this way now) you need to really force yourself to identify what it is lurking inside of you that has put you in this nether-space. If you try to use images (similes, metaphors, whatever) to paint a picture you might hit on some "truth" about how you feel that starts peeling away the superficial layers. Then you will find yourself writing poetry about how you feel. I know it's hard but try again.

Answer 3

There's a good poem in there...but there is also a lot of not-so-good lines and images as well..."death destroyed"? I know what you meant, but "death delayed" may have been more to the point. Also, I think you meant "no more chance of relieving" instead of no more change of relieving"...right?

Like I said, there's good poem in there, you just need to edit it a bit...try combining lines to stretch them out a bit so it doesn't read as choppy perhaps.

Not bad as a first draft.

Answer 4

you don't need to shorten this poem. long poems are always good. Romeo and Juliet and pretty much every Shakespeare play is a poem. Or Edgar Alan Poe "the raven" very good poems are long but short poems can be very good as well just depends on the situation.

Answer 5

Its a bit long. You should need to re-construct everything and have it to the core. Ask a lot of people about it, it'll help to whatever feedback you hear.

http://www.friendster.com/aresharmony

goodluck to yer poetic adventure!

Answer 6

Oh, my! So, so sad... But extremely good! It shows a lot emotions.... Absolutely amazing! 10! Definitely!

Answer 7

good structure, vocabulary is fair, did not intensify enough to keep me to read the whole thing. needs tweeky. overall good.

Answer 8

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!
I luv ur poem another beautiful sad poem.
That u created on ur own!
KeEp W*r*I*t*T*i*N*g!!!!!!!!!!!!