My bf has been thru a hard life, it's a breakthrough that he has told me all of this without my encouragement as he keeps himself to himself. Anyway, briefly, his father who he called "sperm donor" left his mother when he was a little boy. His mother died young, and he had to stay with his aunt who he would tell me would buy his cousins new shoes whilst he'd walk in his shoes riddled with holes. Later on in his life, he sold drugs saw his friends either get put behind bars or killed. He later joined the army which toughened him up even more. Now that he's 39, he's never beene married, women in his past relationships have called him 'nonchalant' and uncaring. Instead of thinking this about him, I've decided that this 'non'chalant' attitude of his should not be blamed on him because of his life. Am I right to believe this?
How can I encourage without pressure to help him with this so we can have a better relationship?.
2007-07-17 23:08:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
He's definitely one to not express his feelings to anyone, he knows I love him although he's never said he loves me. This non-caring attitude he holds drives me crazy & I've left him a few times - he has no reaction in the slightest to my departure but holds his arms open for our 'make-up'. Do you think this cold behaviour is a sign of strength held with alot of insecurity?
2007-07-17 23:09:03 · update #1
Someone who has lived a difficult life full of neglect, emotional abuse, and being parentless will create insecurities if it occurred during one's childhood years.
Perhaps he has chosen to go through his whole life like this because he has been made unable to open himself up. He did not grow up like other children with wonderful and love-endearing stories to share with his companion. No, he grew up living in conditions that you normally don't tell another person. His reason for being nonchalant or uncaring is because of how people treated him in the past; it must mean that he is incapable of being loved (so he thinks). Therefore, if people want to go, they can go and he won't take any offense to their decision.
Honestly, I think he is crying out on the inside for someone to show him the love which was absent earlier in his life. If he has opens arms to you when you return to him, it means that he wants to care for you but if he gets too attached, he might hurt himself more in the process if you ever decide to leave again. Doing the Yo-Yo affect will not change this man, only time, patience, and compassion will teach this man that it's okay to let loose because now he has found someone who will honestly care for him with all their heart and won't let him go. You will appreciate him more and more when he opens up to you and starts telling you that he loves you.
A relationship with him has the potential to create a strong union; however, it will be necessary for you to stick with him if you want to open up this man. Remember that the key is to be patient, compassionate, understanding, and loving. A few months or several years probably won't cut it, because he has lived a majority of his childhood and adult years in seclusion.
Hang in there.
2007-07-18 05:55:48 · answer #1 · answered by Michael M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have a man that has personal issues--and rightly so. Why are you being so pushy with your agenda--don't you like him for the man that he is?? I mean you can't change or try to change him--he will withdraw and get more distant..if not leave you altogether. Love is unconditional--is accepting and supportive--you seem to want to play mommy or nurse---WRONG !! You are saying you already left him?? Come go--come go--that is hardly a relationship--that is a shallow attempt to control him--and that is also wrong!! You better stay and enjoy what you have and see that he loves you without a lot of talk---or leave and get some whipped wussy that will send flowers all week long and play your game. He is as unique as you and I and millions of others. leave it all alone and find something else to do. Relax and good luck
2007-07-17 23:20:06 · answer #2 · answered by fire_inur_eyes 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he is using the sadness of his past as an excuse to be rude and mean to everyone around him. I think that he needs to seek counselling. He needs to get over himself so that he can respect life and women more. You should stay way from someone that cannot treat you right.
2007-07-17 23:13:57 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't really encourage him to come out of himself anymore than he already has. Your need for him to show his feelings comes from your own insecurities. Address this issue with yourself and you will feel better in your relationship. If this doesn't work and you still feel no better then perhaps he is not the man for you.
2016-04-01 10:05:15 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
he would see any display of emotion as a weakness, a weakness that could be taken advantage of, that could hurt him, time may lessen this as his security is improved, but his reactions are understandable. Are you willing to be patient, and undderstanding, in the hope he may one day change, why fall for someone you want to change, i see this may be difficult to live with, but you fell in love with him just the same,
2007-07-17 23:13:20 · answer #5 · answered by ♠ Merlin ♠ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Certainly life and its baggage can have a definite effect on a person. If you feel you need him to connect more, try couples counseling.
2007-07-17 23:14:36 · answer #6 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he needs someones care towards him.... soon he will be change if u care more for him... dont make him feel insecure.... u care for him... in return he will also start caring for u
2007-07-17 23:15:20 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋