Relationship EXTREMELY COMPLEX dilemna.?

Question

I am in a relationship with someone (call her the young wife).

Our relationship is not beneficial to either of us.

She's miserable because I'm boring and wont do anything for her (or with her).

I'm miserable because at this point in my life, I would love to send her in a time machine, 5 years into the future, because I'm 24/7 devoted to studying and preparing for the MCAT and want zero social life, and want zero activitys, and the only things I like to do outside of studying is playing online chess and watching tv alone.

When I spend time with my wife, I'm miserable. When I dont spend time with my wife, she gets very ancy, wants to shop/spend money that we dont have. She can't get hired due to mental handicap. She is dying from neglect and she subconsciously argues with me, just for the social benefit--and I can't stand it.


Also we have a kid, but the grandmother has implied ownership and we are better off appeasing the grandmother because she supports us somewhat.

I'm very logical and would KILL to make a "social contract" with her that outlines what is expected from each of us, and what we will do for each other in the relationship.

She is the type that will agree to it, yet unknowingly try to come up and bother me while studying, to get some extra attention above and beyond what's agreed.

I'm unable to communicate to her that her "annoyances" to me, are very troublesome.

The way things are right now, are that we are both unhappy and are unable to compromise. The "equilibrium" which we're in, is unbearable for both of us, and breakup would lead to a HUGE SOAP OPERA where one of us "leaves" the other, and when the other person becomes independent/involved with someone else, the "original leaver" will fake suicide, and try every emotional/psychological/manipulative trick in the book to get the other person back, and suicide may indeed be the result.

I am looking for comments/suggestions of things which I'm either dismissing/overloo

I am looking for comments/suggestions of things which I'm either dismissing/overlooking, or alternatives which you think would help.

I only want the relationship, because she is very suited for my future goals/wants/needs and she struggles with waiting "until then" which I expect is 2012.



Our relatinship is bad now, but it will be good "later".

How do I make it more bearable currently.

Answer 1

After reading your post, I would have to say that you are extremely logical. Logical to the point of having little or no human emotion. I was married to a man while he was going through medical school, so I am aware that the majority of time is spent studying. I have been in the same situation as your wife and understand how she feels. That you do need to spend a great deal of time studying is a fact. However, you sound as though you do not currently make any attempt to spend what free time you might have with your family. Nor do you sound as though you care about how this neglect is making her feel. You stated that she needed to wait for several more years in order to have a good life with you. It sounds as though you have little or no love for this woman and I am willing to bet that she will find no more happiness with you ten years from now than she currently has. It is sad that there is a child caught up in this. From the tone of your question, I suspect that you are a narcissist and incapable of feeling love for anyone but yourself. Perhaps you should spend your free moments seeking therapy in lue of playing online chess or watching tv alone. I wish you the best of luck on your MCAT. It seems as though a career in medicine is going to be all you have in the future anyway. I suggest that you take a look at yourself and your behavior toward the woman that you married. Ask yourself if you can devote some emotion to her. If the answer to that question is no....then stop stringing her along and let her find someone who will treat her with some love.

Answer 2

First off you should have never married and had a kid if you want solitude and no disturbance or annoyance or social activity. Short of moving to a cave in a remote wilderness...I have no idea what you can do. Your wife cannot (nor should she be expected) to wait 5 more years before you're ready to be a partner. You speak of her...even in future tense...like she may be convenient at that time, but not now. It's insulting, degrading, and cruel

Answer 3

DON't: say anything about him like "you never call me back" DO: do it in a semi private place so you wont make a secne, like a parking lot. DONT: do it in a private place (like a house) casue you could be talked into just one more hook-up, which would casue confusing DONT: do it in public place like the cafiteria, because that would be inbarising DO: do it to his face DO: do it when you wont see eachother for a bit after, like a friday when you have the weekend. DONT do it on a tuesday or something (if you go to the same school) casue you'll have to see them the next day also, if you arent happy in the relationship, break up with him but then start a frendship or something LATER.

Answer 4

I think you have some priorities out of order.

You want her to put her life on hold while you study for Med school?

She wants a life now with a husband who's attentive. If it's not you, it's going to be somebody. It's better to balance your time between her and school then it is to loose her.

How are you going to have time for anything when you start school? I don't think you will.

I think that maybe you need to give her attention and get her conditioned to how it needs to be once school starts.

You could just have seperate lives until you are finished with things but I wouldn't get my hopes up that she will not have found someone else by then especially if she is nice to look at.

Good Luck

.

Answer 5

Wow, perhaps you should try some couples therapy if you truly want to work it out. It sounds like you both are truly unhappy and in a relationship of convenience.

If you wife has a mental handicap, check out local day habilitation's in your area. There she can socialize with peers and feel needed.

Good luck!

Answer 6

you may be in a prime position to commemorate the end and the beginning of a cycle in your love life. A desire to be free and retreat may take precedence. Reject artificial or attention-getting behavior. Temporary lovers or shallow distractions may not cultivate trust or may bring only momentary fulfillment, for these things need constant replenishment and upkeep. Aimlessness, dependency or wasteful indulgences may not leave much room for the soul time you need in order to foster personal development. Instead, reclaim your sensuality by nurturing those wild, but finer things you may have taken for granted. Those simple things that you can count on to almost take care of themselves will give back in abundance.

Answer 7

The fact you can detail all of your thoughts/problems, makes me think you dont have a complex dilema, - your just afraid to accept what you must know is the logical course of action for you to take ....
Move on

Answer 8

Wow! That's tough. So, why did you marry her? Just to stake your claim for when you are ready? Honestly, I think you need to find some time to spend with your wife. I know how tough studying for MCAT is, but you have a family. When you married your wife you devoted yourself to her. MCAT studying should come 2nd.

Answer 9

i'm curious, if you have no time for a wife while studying what makes you think you'll have time once you begin a thriving practice??? Do you have any idea how many hours you are going to have to put into that profession?

Answer 10

LMAO. Extremely complex dilemma? Try psychotic, demented behaviour. And that's on your part.