This poem is about mom selling the house after dad died. It's called THIS GOODBYE. Comments?

Question

I'd never seen the grass so rank and spindly
nor seen the hedgerow sagging at my knees.
What paint remained upon the house ached peeling
parched memories, chipped decor for the breeze.

I'd never seen the windows stare so vapid
nor known a family so unabashed after they had
ruined my perfection
complete with curtains laced, ruffled and sashed.

I wanted to behold once more what shaped this
home where caring always made a stand
Instead I saw my last composite memory
had been bequeathed to time and hapless hands.

I wondered as I stepped inside my Chevy
tears flooding past their reservoir again
if there was nothing to behold but sadness
and only felt that queer, nostalgiac pain.

Would I suffer if the house was gleaming
from fresh paint to withstand the sun and wind?
Would I go off happily on seeing
the lawn is mowed, the hedgerow neatly trimmed?

Oh, off, my heart! Back to droning cicadas! Those Saturday buzz-saws announcing June.
And off, my heart, to crickets, dewied rose beds and evening seranades courting the moon.

She leapt, my heart, into seductive autumn's sweet scents of dying and no one yet to miss.

She leapt, my heart, for one last tree-top-tumble, into her leafy pile of childhood bliss.

And for an instant, all of this before me...
And in an instant, all, and more, behind.

The subtle pleasures life once used to lure me cried for remembrance to still the scales of time.

So what would I have felt to see my old house
loved so well without me
like a tease?

And how would I hve felt to smell the lilacs
and forsythia at full swell
in the breeze?

If everything remained just as I left it
for that enormity called time gone by
wouldn't I have probably resisted
the truth finally beheld in this goodbye?

jew, how the heck did you answer that before i finished typing it?

Answer 1

Beautiful poem, simply beautiful. Good tone, somber yet honest and not sappy.

You missed a line break after "unabashed"

I think you could make "hands" singular and still get away with it...it doesn't need to perfect rhyme with stand, but if it could, it might be even better.

"and how would I 'have'...not 'hve' (just a typo)

You changed your line breaks and I'm not sure if it made it better or not. At first they seemed in error, but there were a few that could have been set apart that way and made an impact. I'd suggest you look at the ones that break with the others and ensure only those that have mirrored concepts are broken apart (if any at all).

All in all...a very well constructed, well written, well delivered poem, one of the most mature and polished offereings I've seen on yahoo.

Answer 2

Margot,

I really love your work. I read through this a few times. The rhyme you used was very subtle and unforced I hardly noticed it--it slipped into a nice simple cadence. A minor note in the beggining, It looks like you meant to have a line break on "unabashed". Now. this could just be me (it is late at night where I am), but I think your third and fourth stanzas could be cut without sacrificing meaning. I was pulled out of the poem when reading them. They seemed a little less intimate than the rest of the work--a little more distant. I thought the poem really picked up nicely in the cicadas stanza to the end. The poem ended so well. It was a pleasure to read.

I continue to look forward to your work.

Todd

Answer 3

Virginia is a martial state so the spouse would frequently get the domicile upon the demise of the companion. notwithstanding, in some states, like California, there are rules for individuals who're living in the domicile having the flexibility to declare call, in the event that they have lived there and up stored the domicile for an exceptionally long volume of time and if the owner has not amassed hire or obtained gotten smaller hire. you will could touch a real components criminal professional to get the foremost factors and notice if this could be a achieveable thank you to pass, being that it somewhat is kin the regulation won't be conscious on your difficulty.

Answer 4

Margot--pretty poem.

While reading this I thought this could have been written in the 17th century, until I got to "Chevy", and now I have this image of a 1950's classic.

I really like the line:

What paint remained upon the house ached peeling parched memories.

(this is just beautiful)

I really enjoyed everything after the 11th stanza:

So what would I have felt to see my old house
loved so well without me
like a tease?

I took this section very personal
and this is where I had that "ahhhh" moment.

Good poem.
Thank you.

Answer 5

Beautiful writing Margot!

You seem to have the ability to make a common experience extraordinary! Who, having lost a Father and having seen their childhood home go up for sale wouldn't feel this experience as their own?

Good job, Margot, Well done!

Answer 6

Having lost my father, this really moved me. I also write poems, and doing so after Dad died helped ease the pain... some.

I love the thought behind your poem. Thank you for sharing.

Answer 7

someone asked you
"you should consider becoming a poet"
huh?!
you are, my friend
and talentedly so
you've delivered another beauty
(perhaps soon i'll have the same balls to serve up my own words)
i've already told you
i'm a fan of margot

thnx

Answer 8

Beautiful, it makes me want to cry. You've got great talent kid, you should consider becomina poet. I feel like hugging you.
Now that I read all of it it's even more beutiful

Answer 9

eh its okay is this a freestyle if not it just didn't really flow that great but try answering the questions of fellow poets *ahem*

thnx for the read

Answer 10

Very sweet, from the heart!