Clicking sounds of a skate boarder on the street
At 12am,
Getting that bit of space needed to think clearly
And act freely
He weaves between taxis and occasional trucks
Surfing the bumps of street life
And banking the waves of uneven pavement
Smile in his eyes
With concentration on his mouth
Knowing the risks but using skill and
Savoir faire to make winding tricks
When others would quiver in fear
Occasionally the board scoots from under his feet
He jumps down firmly letting the board
Continue into danger unknown.
No fear in his face
Like life in general
He knows when to ride the wave and when to bail
Good decisions save his soul.
2007-07-17 14:55:37 · 15 answers · asked by kishoti 5 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Not bad.
My humble critique-
Stanza/Line:
1/1 try “on the mid-day street” vrs “on the street at 12am”
2/1 lose “occasional”
2/2 try “banking waves of pavement” vrs “And banking the waves of pavement”
3/2 lose “With”
3/ 4-6 consider something like:
Somehow his grace transforms…
….a terrifying brakeless trek
into a dance…
you cannot help but watch
4 consider something like:
Occasionally he leaps …
Lets the board clatters into dangers…
…he was not prepared to face.
I look for the fear,
But if it ever came, it left…
…before his feet touched earth.
His face, it seems, cannot hold failure
Or pedestrian sadness.
All I can see is desire
..… for the next ride.
(*And we let the reader figure out this is how they should be living :-)
5 Stanza 5 I would lose entire.
5/1 A poet rarely needs to say “Like life in general”
comparing things to life what poets do.
It’s like a comedian saying “I’ve got this joke for you.”
This being said though, your instincts are sound, because a poems close should take us from what the poet is describing, to what this means to the poet, and by extension the reader. This is where you bring the metaphors home.
5/2-3 Which is what kills these great lines, they redirect attention to the skateboarder.
After line 5/1 has promised us a generic observation
SO
If you keep your version of stanza 4
You need to lose 5/1 or make lines 5/2-3 generic.
I would be inclined to do the former.
Keep writing.
2007-07-18 00:10:11 · answer #1 · answered by Phoenix Quill 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, I've read it three times ... so far.
It catches you, brings you along, makes you close your eyes and imagine ... skateboarding? No. Life itself. The ability to go with the flow, take chances, truly live and be yourself with NO FEAR. To know "when to ride the wave and when to bail."
What a few people aren't getting is that your poem is not about skateboarding, but is a metaphor for a life lived full and aware, and without fear. True poetry.
2007-07-17 16:37:31 · answer #2 · answered by Bad Kitty! 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like it very much...with 3 sons that were avid skateboarders, the 'feel' is very real.
But I will also add my third son's best friend at 17 had 'the board scoot from under his feet' and fell backward landing hard on his head...and now he is with Jesus. The memories are still sweet, except for that night.
Keep on boarding but know the risk...and know Jesus! Blessings!
2007-07-17 15:04:54 · answer #3 · answered by emeryinhollister 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It was very descriptive but emotionless. Was the poem intended to be first person or from the point of view of someone else watching him on his skateboard or simply the imagination of some unknown skater?
2007-07-17 15:21:02 · answer #4 · answered by spiderspell 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think this poem is very well written and interesting. Normally, I lose interest in poems quite quickly, but yours held my interest throughout. Good job!
2007-07-17 15:00:16 · answer #5 · answered by azairea3 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was really pleased when I read BlueJuliet's response! RIGHT ON!
I agree and think that is the best response so far! I was wondering how many really got it!
2007-07-17 17:54:05 · answer #6 · answered by Eudora 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It swept me away to a peaceful place and then made me reflect on my mortality and learn to confront it without fear. It has singlehandedly changed my outlook on life. God bless you for this gift.
Love,
Snag
2007-07-17 14:58:30 · answer #7 · answered by snaggle_smurf 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Good vocab. but im sorry writing a poem about skateboarding is kind of stupid! Try another one and ask me and i will be very honest
2007-07-17 15:00:07 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Pretty cool poem; i liked the subject matter; and you did a really great job.,. keep writing your good.
2007-07-17 14:59:37 · answer #9 · answered by Cami lives 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like it. I see images of this kid on his skateboard when I read it. Good job.
2007-07-17 14:59:14 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋