My boyfriend won't let me give our baby up for adoption?

Question

Hi, I am currently studying at Harvard (will be my final year in the fall) and I just found out that I'm pregnant. Although, when I graduate I'm going for my PhD after as well. I was shocked because my boyfriend and I were always careful. He is going into his second year of Harvard med next year, and wants to keep the baby. I told him this would nearly destroy his career or at least delay it very much. I thought abortion but he would never go for that. I know there is no way I could raise a baby properly while we were both still in school, but he thinks we can do it. He wants to be an oncologist, so I know that will require a fellowship, etc and he will be very busy even 5-10 years after he graduates.

I know he's the one I'm going to marry, we've been dating about 3 years, but I want him to fufill his dream. How can I explain to him that adoption/abortion is the best thing for us?

Thank you to anyone who responds to this.

Alright...so I knew I would get these type of comments. I'm there on a scholarship, I apologize for putting Harvard in the question. I just thought it might have more empasis if I put the school that I worked very hard to get into. Also, I made a mistake. So, because I go to (insert ivy league school name here) then it's completely unbelivable that I'm pregnant right? I'm really glad there are people that have actually, honestly helped me answer my question.

Answer 1

I guess the only advice I can give you is to weigh your priorities... ask yourself some serious questions.

While I wasn't in Harvard, I was still in school when I got pregnant, and I don't think it matters where you go as long as you know you personally pushed yourself to get there. Congrats to you for making it to Harvard, and I know that even being careful doesn't work (hoorah condoms... that don't work!!!).

I want to be a pediatrician, so I can kind of relate. I'm currently going to end up going to a state school (in MA) for a nursing degree and then I'll go for med school later on down the road. I know it isn't the choice most people would make, but having a family is also a priority of mine.

I'm currently not with the baby's father - we're working through some issues - but I have no doubt that we are supposed to be together eventually, when the timing is right. And if you really believe that this is the person you are indeed supposed to be with - then I guess you need to respect his decision and input, but he should also respect yours.

The two of you should have a serious conversation and ask yourselves the serious questions that most couples have to ask themselves when they get pregnant (even if they're married). First... are you both ready to parents? (and if the answer is NO, don't take that to mean that you can't be one. i know i'm not ready - but i'm up for the challenge). Second, will you regret giving this baby up for adoption (or will you regret abortion if thats what you choose) when you decide to have kids later on down the road. How will you feel when you have more children and realize you gave up your first?

If you feel doubt, if you feel you'll want that baby when you have children later on down the road, if you feel like you'll never be able to explain it to your kids that you decide to have later (if you do decide to have kids later), then maybe you should consider keeping the baby. I know it won't be easy. I know that it is probably the hardest decision to make (having been there and I still struggle with it), but honestly... make sure it is 100% what you both want to do. You don't want him to have to live with any regrets as I'm sure you also don't want to live with any regrets.

Either way, you have some time before you have to make any final decision (unless the decision is abortion, in which case your time will run out quicker... but really, give the baby a chance, if you opt for either of the a's, go with adoption). I know that when I first found out, my gut reaction was to get an abortion. But then I got through the first week of shock and got my way through the rest of the school year (2 weeks) and decided I couldn't go through with that. Then I thought adoption, because the father and I weren't together, and I realized I couldn't give up my baby for adoption. Because I would have to then explain it to my later kids that I knew I wanted to have, and with the same baby's father that I'd be abandoning. I would feel terrible, guilty.

It's a hard decision to make. But just know that people have gone to school, done well for themselves, and raised a baby. I wish you all the best of luck. Congratulations, even if that seems weird to hear or weird for someone to say, babies really are one of the best things in the world. There is always a reason for them, and I hope you find your reason. I know I have. It put me on the path that I'm on now - I'm not screwing up my life anymore and I know what I want to do for a career now. I hope things work out for you.

Answer 2

I'm sorry for your situation and can only imagine what you are going through. Since I'm not in your shoes and know that you have both worked so very hard to get to where you are and have your whole lives ahead of you, I'm not going to tell you that you should keep the baby. A baby changes EVERYTHING. I was 28 when my first was born, 29 when my second was born and will be 33 when my third is born, and I can tell you that even though we've planned each of them, they are a challenge. But, you'll never be ready, you'll never have the right job, the right house, enough time - sometimes the best things are surprises. You are right, a baby would change both yours and his future, but that doesn't neccessarily mean for the worse, it just means that you guys will need to make new plans. One of the big things that he needs to consider is whether he's willing to sacrifice his dreams to have a child and if he will be able to happy with the new life he'll have. The last thing that you want is to have a child carry the brunt of an angry and dissapointed parent in the future. He has to be willing to make sacrifices and has to be able to not look back and wonder what his life could have been.

One of the things that you have to consider is what are the chances that you two will survive this if you decide to have an abortion or to put the baby up for adoption. And, don't listen to people giving you a hard time about where you are at school, you are human and therefore, regardless of how smart you are and your age, you can make mistakes. I wish you the best of luck during this time.

Answer 3

Life doesn't' always go as planned, but that doesn't mean that it isn't meant to be. I don't believe in abortion, you got pregnant and must deal with that. Adoption could be an option, but the father has to consent to that also. I think down the road you would regret giving up the baby and always have that at the back of your mind. I think your boyfriend would too. When you have a child you have to stop thinking about yourself and do what is best for the child. Children are worth putting your dreams on hold or taking a little longer to achieve them. I have been there, I have a 7 year old and a 4 year old and won't have achieved my educational dream until next year. I wouldn't change it for anything. Everything happens for a reason...

Answer 4

I think you should keep your baby and I'm an adoptive mom. If you have all this love and support, you definitely should keep the baby. I do have some advice though, you need to make a decision on who is going to be the primary caregiver for the baby and stick to it. If that is going to be you, realize that you will have no social life for a really, really long time. If the primary caregiver is going to be your mom and dad, realize that your child may not want to be with you once you move out and start your own life. The reason I say this is because my cousin had a baby at 15. She allowed her mom and dad to be the primary caregive while she went on with her life like she barely even had a baby. They let her live her life like a normal teenager and college student without hardly any responsibility towards the baby. Five years later when she met the man of her dreams and got married, her son did not want to live with her. They tried to let him live with her and he was miserable, depressed, and very distraught. He ended up moving back in with his grandparents. I recommend that you take on most if not all of the parental responsibilities and make the sacrifice. I think it's what's in the best interest of the child. My cousin's son is very, very loved but he is going to have issues. Especially now that my cousin os pregnant again. He is always going to feel some abandonment issues from his mom. He is always going to feel like she loves her other child more than him. Don't let this happen to you.

Answer 5

Personally, I would keep it if I was you.
There are so many parents out there who look back years and years ago and regret their actions of getting abortions or putting their childern up for adoption. My sister was 20 years old when she found out she was having a baby, she wasn't in school, didn't have a job, and still lived with our parents, not to mention she wasn't even in a relationship with her son's father. Now 3 years later, it's hard to imagine life without Jacob (her son/my nephew). When we found out, my mom wanted an abortion, my dad and brother said no. Texas law wouldn't allow it anyway since she was already 7 months along before she admitted. (Everytime it was brought up she would lie and say she wasn't pregnant, I personally thought she was just getting a little fat lol) But, anyway she put everything aside including what she wanted and realized the baby is most important. She had people in her life to help her and I'm sure you have people in yours. Sit down and have a serious talk with your boyfriend and really think about whether you are seriously committed to eachother and having a child as well as your studies, if the answer is yes then keep the baby. If the answer is no, then adoption would be better than abortion in my opinion. I know a girl who had a baby but, gave her up for adoption and regrets doing it. But, then again there is nothing worse then someone not knowing where they came from. If you decide to give your baby up for adoption decide if you are going to be in their life or not (you can be an active figure in their life and still love them without being their legal parent/guardian). Don't view giving your child up for adoption as doing it because you don't love your baby, do it because you do love your child and want what is best. Do whatever you feel is right for you and your boyfriend and do whatever would give your unborn child the best life. But, be prepared for any consequences such as keeping the baby and being stressed out or giving the baby up and regretting it.

*I don't know if I even want kids, and if I do it won't be until I am in my mid 30's that way I have a stable career and have already experienced my freedom and independence and had some great adventures. but, like I said I don't know if I want children, though, if f it did happen to me, reluctantly I would keep the baby and make the best of it, because in my heart I would feel better having my child with me than with anyone else, even if it meant sacrificing my future for a while or slowing things down a bit. But, that is just me. Oh god, this is starting to freak me out... I hope that doesn't happen to me.

Advice to all:
Use lots and lots of protection!!



I hope you stay to true to yourself, your boyfriend, and do what is best for the child. A child is a blessing but, it will change your life .. You are in quite a complicated situation.
Good luck, and best wishes for you, your boyfriend, and the baby.

Answer 6

Unless he consents and signs the papers for adoption, there is nothing you can do. But I would try to explain to him that a baby would take up a lot of time, energy and money. He might chance failing school from all the time a baby will take from his studies. It's great that he wants to be there for the child(you are lucky, not many men do), and if he wants to push himself, then there is nothing you can do. That baby is just as much his as it is yours, the choice is not entirely up to you. As for abortion, it is your choice, regardless of what he says or wants. But it would be cold and cruel to do it behind his back. You may lose him if you go that route. Talk with him about your options. Remind him that this effects YOU just as much as it effects him. And face it, how many men actually pitch in with kids? Not too many I know. YOU would be stuck with the brunt of the work, while he was off on his studies.

Answer 7

Ask him if he is truly ready to sacrifice everything he has worked for because there is no reason why YOU should be the only one who has to sacrifice to continue the pregnancy or raise the resulting child. Ask him if he's ready to get a job, drop out of school, get married, get up during the night to help feed and change the child, save any additional money you make for the child's expenses and future education, etc.

Also you should relate to him that whatever your future plans are, they cannot be wholely sacrificed for this pregnancy or you will not be able to stand on your own.

It's your choice whether to continue the pregnancy or not. You have asked for his opinion but you do not have to follow what he says if you do not want to. If you do not want to remain pregnant or cannot do so, you do not have to. It's up to you. If you think you can manage the pregnancy and go through an adoption, then that is also something you can consider.

No matter what this is your decision and while you are certainly a considerate person for thinking about his future, you HAVE to think about your own first. Your future is what is most important because like it or not, yours will be the one most changed by keeping the pregnancy and raising the resulting child. Men never do take on a full and equal share of the responsibility. Since you will be saddled with nearly ALL of the responsibility, it is your choice whether you CAN assume those responsibilities now or not.

There is a workbook available online that you can work through. It's here: http://www.pregnancyoptions.info/pregnant.htm

And, because there will be a lot of people replying to this: the majority of Women who have an abortion do not regret it (guttmacher.org), do not experience long-term negative psychological effects (apa.org), and do not experience ongoing health problems.

Anyway, think about your life and your future and try to get through the workbook if you can. I know it's a hard situation to be in.
Best of luck!
Peace,
Jenn

Answer 8

Your boyfriend don't want you to give the baby for adoption because he wants the best for you, himself, and the baby, You got to think about the baby and your boyfriend. Adoptions aren't the best neither are abortions. Abortions are the worst. Please do not choose that option. Think about it ; abortion means killing the baby. It isn't the baby's fault. It's mainly your fault n your boyfriend because if u didn't want the baby you should of used protection. It is your fault and your boyfriends fault. If you don't want the baby why have sex anyways?! I mean it is called "protection" condoms. Why not use it. I mean no glove no love if you don't want the baby. If you can support the baby keep it. If you cant find a job, tell your boyfriend to get a job. Use the money to pay for the baby's clothes,pacifier,crib,and everything else a baby needs. Just keep it. God brought the baby into the world for a reason. So just keep the baby. The worst that can happen is that the baby dies when you wanted to keep it. Just don't get stressed about it. God bless you and your boyfriend. Good luck in everything you do. And I hope this answer changes your mind about keeping the baby.

Answer 9

Don't doctors take an oath to "do no harm"?
I think an abortion would fall under "HARM" at least as far as the life of the baby goes.

Have you thought about letting him continue with his dream and putting your PhD on hold? Life doesn't always happen the way you plan. Sometimes you have to grow up and deal with the hand that you are dealt.

Talk to him about adoption. If he isn't interested than come up with a plan to build a successful family and life for the three of you. Harvard had to have taught you something about being a grown up? Right?

Answer 10

In my opinion, he has a right to say he wants to keep the baby. You both made the baby. I agree with the whole "woman's body", you know, but I believe that if the father has the means to care for the baby he should have a say, it's part his.

You should sit him down and have him write a list of everything he wishes to accomplish in the next five years and a list of all the money he comes by in a month.

Take that list and scratch off everything. Erase the money and write 0. Tell him that could be the outcome of the next five years if he keeps the baby.

Then, show him a piece of paper collaged with pictures of daddy's and their little babies. Write a list of "first words, first kisses, first step, first hair cut, first "i love you mommy and daddy" and give him that. Tell him that could be the outcome of keeping the baby.

In my opinion having a baby doesn't mean he CAN'T fulfull his dream, it just means it will make it harder. Are one of you OK with taking time off to take care of the baby until he goes to school? Are the two of you financially stable enough to afford the baby? Are the two of you emotionally stable to deal with a baby? To deal with giving up a baby- forever.

I think you two should sit down with someone else who's been through this. But hopefully I hope the two of you think it all the way through. Any decision will have "what if's" it's finding the "what if" you're OK living with that's the important thing.