Is it unhealthy to grieve a death after 17 years or is it normal?

Question

Just wondering, I lost my father when I was 5 years old. It's weird I have just faint memories...I remember riding on his back (piggy-back). I can't help but to think about him all the time...the what if's drive me crazy...I see a son & his father playing ball in a park...friends that say: "Hey I'll ask my dad"
My mother remarried several years later and he was a good step father...but not the same. They had 2 other kids...not my "real" brother & sister and they would be hurt to hear me say that...I feel like an outsider. My relationship with my step-dad is good...but his love for his 2 kids is really special and very different...I'm the odd man out. I wish I could hear from my dad's old friends...I wish I could hear one of them say...I knew your old man...and man would he be proud of you...I'd give my right arm for that. I have researched everything I can on my dad, I have letters and several things he owned...I feel this missing piece in my life. My dad was a cop.

I play the game in my head..what "IF" he didn't go to work "that's damn day!! What "IF" this or that....my life seems to be one big "what if"

sorry for soo long...thanks for listening

Answer 1

You don't need to grieve for you father so this is my point of view you can take it metaphoricaly though if you'd like...

Before you were born his soul and your soul had an agreement as to when he would pass away which would cause an effect and that is grief for you at the moment its kinda like karma and soul, he passed away to balance what you maybe did in a previous lifetime and so you can grow as a soul in other words he helped you grow and because of this agreement you have to let your soul grow and know that his death was in order for you and others to cope and realise theres more than physical life wether your christian, muslim or anything...... there's mroe to religions than the physical.

I know Its hard But you wouldnt want him grieving if you switched up the roles... Its important to feel love for him theres nothing more you need than that love....Love shouldnt bring tears (grief).

Just feel and let pure love...

Answer 2

Hello ....Yes

I'm hospice certified which means I took classes that included the subjects of healthy grief and what is not concerning loved ones of patients and also friendship to those passing. If you really think about it your answer is within your question and doesn't require classes ... is more so your lack of acceptance. I honestly doubt your father wants you to spend your life grieving his loss....please take this advice into consideration. Your father probably left a legacy which you could be missing and that is what loving fathers amongst the living want for their sons and daughters...for their sons and daughters be happy. I've seen it within those preparing to pass. People that have taken the time to give you bits and pieces you are seeking to connect with dad are actually telling you it's ok to let go and live.

As for the present...it may not be the same but at least you have a step-dad who you can also get to know. There are many out there who have no father and to boot many of those father's are still alive yet their children know nothing of them or even have a healthy grandfather to relate to. So, you are blessed to have had a father that was there for U. Hon, you need a break...you've heard the saying overwhelmed with grief? It would benefit you tremendously and also be a form of honoring your father to put this away for a bit and work on your life. You are part your father's legacy.....Live Blessed : )

Answer 3

There is no way you can change who you are or the experiences you have had in your life. No one can.

What you have control over is how you approach tomorrow.

You can't predict the outcome, but you can approach it with a winning attitude or a defeatest attitude.

That said, only you can let your childhood affect what you do tomorrow. "What if" all you want, there is no changing what happened, but how will view tomorrow?

It wasn't your fault that something happened to your dad. Kids often feel guilty. You were 5. You had nothing to do with the adult world to which he belonged.

I think it is great that you have some memories of him from five. Most kids wouldn't remember anything about a parent lost that long ago. There are a lot of kids in the world who lost their parents much earlier in life and have no recollection at all.

You aren't going to change your current family life, but you can change the way you look at them. They might inadvertantly shut you out (make you feel odd man out) because of the hurt and loss they see in you. Try to be pleasant and happy when around them. Show them that you are okay. If they sense you are hurting, it is natural of people to turn off because they don't know how to relate to you. So you change when around them.

I never said quit thinking about your dad. He will be there with you the rest of your life. But you can carry those memories and still be someone he would be proud to call his kid.

The closest you can come to him is to make your life a shining example and I bet somewhere down the road, maybe not tomorrow or the next day, you will run into someone who will say to you, "Good job son. By the way, I knew your old man and he would be proud of you!"





-K

Answer 4

Yes it is normal to grieve.I am very sorry for your loss. I have lost my father but when I was older, & two other very special people. I can only tell you this , your father still loves you no matter what.You have to realize there's nothing you can do to change that horrible day. It's heartbreaking for your father to see you this way I'm sure. You are not betraying him if you have some closure.There is a bond so deeply inbedded in you no-one could ever replace him.Every time you think of him he is there. Watching & waiting for you to try to find some happiness. What you should do is talk to your mother,when your step dad is not around.Tell her how you feel, ask if he has some relatives you could try to contact. Or if she has some more pictures. Have confidence he is with you & let him see your strength, to go on to be a great person like he was.You are the only living thing that he is still a part of. You owe it to him to carry on, to let people see what he produced in this world. Your the only example, of his spirit left. Be a strong one and do good with it, like he would have if he was here. Thats how I cope. I hope it helps you. Good Luck

Answer 5

No it isn't. My dad died when I was 10 and I am 46 now. I often think about what a great man he was and awesome provider. On his birthday I sometimes get sad but I remember the good times we had and how he made it possible for me to be the person I am. Everyone loved my dad. You go ahead and have those wonderful memories. That is so awesome that you had a great dad too! Keep his memory alive as long as you want. Take care of yourself!

Answer 6

*sob* your story got me going. :(
Someday you will have your own family and your own son/daughter and this will help you be a better father. Give them everything you feel you never had!! You father loves you...he is still there somewhere looking down at you. His soul isnt gone...he knows how you feel and he IS proud of you. Your mother loves you and you have a step sister/brother BUT aren't they half related to you from your mom's side? You step father will never replace your real father but you can still have a supportive, friendly relationship. The pain only fades away, its okay to still cry. Good Luck.

Answer 7

This is not grieve. It is a regression in your life that you are not able to build that bondage with your dad in the early part of your life.

I think your dad is a great father as you could still have memories of him after 17 years...That would be the best consolation now.

Answer 8

Of course it's normal for you to miss your dad and wonder about him, but your fixation on IF is keeping you from living your life in the present. If your dad could see you now- and he can- do you think he wants you to be a sad, complaining person, or to be happy with what you have? Life is hardly ever what we think it should be in our minds. It's what it is, and you need to accept and appreciate what you have. If you believe in God then you will know it's all part of a greater plan.

Answer 9

Not at all. It is absolutely normal. If the grief is overwhelming you and coming in the way of your normal life, then I would recommend you to go to a counselor who can counsel you.

One other option is you can do self hypnosis. I have tried it for myself with regard to infertility. The website is http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/index.html
This is a very helpful place. All you have to do is download the program pertaining to your specific case and listen to it over and over, it actually relaxes you and relieves you off of the pain you are undergoing because of the grief you experience.

Good luck

Answer 10

well its 17 years. would you father want you to feel in grief after 17 years and maybe another 30 years or does he want you to move on. son its time for you to move on.