My Grandmother is about to pass and I don't want to go to the funeral. Your opinions?

Question

My mother and father's families live 14 hours away. I've seen them (at most) once ever 5 years. -- this is maybe 5 times in my life. When I do see these people, they are rude and hateful towards me just b/c our family is the only one that lives so far away!! They don't have 'control' over us like they do the other grandchildren.
Also all of my cousins were raised Catholic. My sister and I were not- we don't believe the same, have the same traditions, god, faith, etc. So a Catholic service will be very uncomfortable for us.
Grandmother may pass in the next few days and I really don't see any need to go to the service.
First off, I can grieve and mourn her loss w/o being there. I have my own faith and traditions and I don't need to be there to do that.
Secondly, I don't want to deal with the 'drama' my relatives will cause. -- which is just 100% garunteed to happen.
Thirdly, My mother and I Do NOT get along.

W/o mentioning religion, what are your thoughts, all things considered?

I appreciate all of your answers and just wanted to give you a bit more detail

I'm almost 30.
When I say my mother and I don't get along-- what I mean is that I was abused pretty harshly by her growing up.
She and I do not see eye to eye on anything. She will take fault with what I wear to the service, how I do my hair, what I say to people, etc. There has never, in 28 years, been anything I have ever done right for her. And she says that, too.

My personal beliefs tell me that it is MORE disrespectful to go to a service of someone you don't really care for than to stay home.
I guess I wouldn't want people at my funeral just b/c of tradition. I want them there b/c they care.

And when I say I'm not catholic- I mean, I am not christian. So any Jesus/Trinity based service is very uncomfortable for me- just as my family would find my services uncomfortable.

I know I SHOULD go- but I know it will cause drama.

Better to go and have drama? Or stay home and have drama?

Answer 1

I am assuming that you are around 25 and therefore do not have to do anything you do not want to. People grieve in different ways and not all people feel the need to go to a funeral for closure. I would politely tell my mother that I am sorry for the loss but will not be attending, I will grieve on my own. There is no reason to fight w/her and although she will be understandably upset stay calm and firm to your own beliefs.
Good luck!

Answer 2

I am considerably older than you. In fact I am the oldest living member of my immediate family. All grandparents and parents are gone as is my older sister. I just want to let you in on two things I have learned about family deaths.

First: I would encourage you to do anything you need to do. I needed to do a lot of things when my Dad died. I stayed with him during all visiting hours. I flew with him on the trip to bury him. I stayed after all were gone and filled the hole. Just a lot of things I felt I needed to do. I apologized to no one and those who couldn't understand didn't need to understand. I say this because we only have one shot at getting a burial right. After it is over, any regrets will be with you for life.

Second: There is something psychological about seeing the person in the casket, seeing the casket closed, watching it lowered into the grave and covered. It spells the end in no uncertain terms. Some people call it closure. I don't know if I have any name for it but if you miss it I guess you can never be satisfied that the person is actually gone.

Only you know whether the person is important enough to you that these efforts will have any meaning. The decision is yours. I only wanted to expose you to what I have learned. There are certainly plenty of reasons to skip it and that may be the right thing to do; only you have the information necessary to weigh one side against the other.

I do wish you the best. It sounds like you are looking at both sides. If that is the case you will do the right thing. Just let your heart guide you.

Answer 3

My thoughts shouldn't matter because this is a very personal decision. It doesn't sound like you had any type of relationship so I can understand you not wanting to go. But keep in mind that once this time has gone by, you cannot undo that which is done. If you can live with that, then you'll be ok. And don't give any thought to what other relatives say about it.

Of course, with the distance involved, you have a valid excuse for not going anyway.... time and money!!!

Answer 4

Well, I think you already have answered your own question. If you don't feel that you should attend then do not bother. I was in a somewhat similar situation: my grandmother passed away and I only saw her a few times in my life and I did not attend anything. I didn't feel obligated to and I did mourn in my own way if I even mourned at all......... honestly, even with out religion issues discussed in your matter I don't think you need to go regardless. As for people telling you that you will regret it, I don't think you would. I didn't and I am fine. Nobody judged me after the fact.
Also, if you have problems with your family you will face problems regardless if you go or not. So do what you want to do! : )

Answer 5

There are things in life we must do. You or I may hate the idea, but it is something that society requires us to do. You can sit at the very back of the church and if you get uncomfortable, just step out for a bit. I have been to Catholic services and so far I never got hit or bitten:)
You will feel better about yourself when it's over. The relatives that you feel don't like you will think you are more mature for showing up. While in church, say a prayer of thanks that you will be going home :)

Answer 6

If you don't feel comfortable going, then don't go. It's really up to you. However, I would recommend sending an arrangement or something to the funeral home with your condolences, so that the family will know you are showing your grandmother love and respect from across the miles.

I understand how you feel, I am in a similar situation with my family and I know how uncomfrotable family gatherings can be for the 'odd man out'.

Do what you feel is best for yourself. You don't have to answer to anyone else. Make your decision and stand by it.

Answer 7

you know I understand where you are coming from... and my normal answer would be based on what you said you don't have to go... but I thought again and I want to say that mayb you should reconsider... I know you don't get along with your mother, but I'm sure she' been there fr you while you were growing up... we have our issues with out parents, for example i haven't talked to my dad for a few months now, I am angry at him right now but when i look back he has doe sooo many goo things for me and i he needs me I'd run to him in a heart beat.. it's not good to hold a grudge for your own peace of mind...
I'd say go only for the respct of your mom, and the fact that this lady was your grandother afterall... as an adult we have to do somethings that we may not like doing but we have to kinda step out and think outside of the box... i don't know if this made sense to you or not..
as for th drama causing family members, I'd have no problem just ignoring them... you go there, pay your respect, and block anything else that bothers you. luckily you don't have to deal with these ppl on a day to day basis.

Answer 8

I'd go, just go sit through the funeral, since it is a 14 hour drive you will have to stay over-night, get a hotel rather than staying with family, after the funeral insist on going back to go to sleep because you are tired from the long drive. tell them you will call them and meet them for dinner.

Then turn off your cell phone, call them the next afternoon (when you are almost home) and tell them you are sorry you missed dinner but you fell asleep and slept right through the night.

This way you can attend out of respect for your grandmother (even though you don't like her) but you don't have to deal with pushy family members.

anyway try something along these lines.

Answer 9

It's best to do what you feel is right in your heart. If you feel that you being there is going to cause drama just don't go at all. I agree that you are being the bigger person and let your grandma have a peaceful, and respectful service. I'm sure she will know that you are mourning her wherever you are.

Answer 10

Just do it for Grandma's sake - if she really cared about you (and it sounds like she did), then NOT being there will tarnish whatever memory of her you might have. Funerals are the LAST place for family bickering - they are about showing love and respect for the recently deceased.

NOT showing up (without a VALID reason) will be shown as a sign of disrespect - and will make these people only hate you worse...

Hopefully you'll NEVER see most of these people EVER again. And good riddance ;););)