Put me to sleep you evil angel of mine,
I have nothing but darkness and a look at my shrine,
You eye me closely, your mind then wonders,
"What is this creature and why me it conjures",
But then you catch the look in my eyes,
"Ah ! it's obvious what inside you lies",
I put my head down, my eyes staring still,
This is no angel before me, it's here to kill,
From the way it look, darkness spreading around,
It's only the devil and it's me it found,
Here I stand,
The devil before my hand,
"Come with me I have what your heart desires",
My hand stretched, slowly touching his soul of fire,
Then it all was over and I couldn't see,
Where the hell am I, what happened to me,
There you were lying infront me on the ground,
A real angel, can't get there I'm just bound,
"It's your destiny to watch from a far" he said,
"You wanted to be with him even if you were DEAD !!"
2007-07-17 09:52:27 · 7 answers · asked by Noosha 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
plz do rate
2007-07-17 09:59:46 · update #1
Good poem, good structure, but a bit dark.
2007-07-17 09:56:38 · answer #1 · answered by opinionator 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I only write in structured form. I think that readers have a clearer sense of what you want to say that way.
I think that you need to work on it some more, but it isn't a 'bad' poem. I have to disagree with the person that said that most poetry isn't that long...they are way off base. Even if you only speak of the classics, they are long.
I don't have one that is shorter than 20 lines. I have story poems that are as long as 128 lines, and another that is 46 (4-line) stanzas or 174 lines, all together. But most of mine are between 5 and 10 stanzas (all 4-line) long. I don't get the point that is being made about length.
I agree that the better your vocabulary, the more options you have for word usage. But the line that was used to point out your lack of grammar is not a good example. The way you said it was fine. One of the reasons most English teachers aren't published poets is that they can't sway from the rigid structure of their beliefs. It's a fact that coherent word placement is part of a writers style. The operative word being coherent. And just because you are or aren't published doesn't mean that you are/aren't good. As to your punctuation, leave off the periods and only use commas within the sentences when they are really needed for a pause.
2007-07-21 16:36:42 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i couldn't get all the way through it, because you obviously write in english and you can't change proper english and grammar so that the end of your lines rhyme. "Ah ! it's obvious what inside you lies", not proper english. either that or you failed to leave out critical comma's. and this makes no sense I have nothing but darkness and a look at my shrine, again you're using rhyming words, but it makes no sense. needs work, and work on your vocabulary
2007-07-21 14:40:56 · answer #3 · answered by the critic!! 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Noosha, it's a little morbid but that doesn't mean it's bad. This poem has a lot of feeling, boldness and emotion to it, which is good because it keeps the reader interested. The only thing I'd like to point out is that your poem has no title (unless you haven't yet established one) Other than that I really enjoyed reading it!
2007-07-17 16:58:57 · answer #4 · answered by sunpansy14 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Reminds me of Jan Arden's song, Demolition Love. There's something here to recommend but the ending was too...not poetic?
2007-07-19 15:55:19 · answer #5 · answered by margot 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
not that many real poems are that long,.
at least with out being able to tell why we spell words trhe way we do
2007-07-17 17:13:52 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
wow. that is soooo good!
2007-07-17 16:58:20 · answer #7 · answered by purebloodvamp 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋