I want a baby! Hubby doesn't?

Question

I have had 2 miscarrages. When I was pregnant both times, my husband was all for it. Now he says absolutly not! He says we don't have the money and all these other excuses! I don't understand! Why is he like this? I try talking to him and he won't really talk. What do I do?

Answer 1

I see possibly one of two scenarios.

Either he's afraid you'll miscarry again (this is quite likely) and feels he can't deal with the pain a third time. He might not want to talk about it because he's afraid he'll get overly emotional or he'll make you feel badly in some way. Or he's scared that somehow the first two had something to do with him and is terrified.

Or maybe he's telling the entire truth. Maybe finances just aren't great right now and he's worried about having a child for that very reason. Anyone who knows anything about welfare or social assistance (in response to another answer) knows that there isn't enough money to live on at the best of times.

Just make sure he's not keeping anything else from you.....

Either way, you guys need to work that out. It's not fair to you if he keeps closing you out and it's not fair to him if he can't be honest about what he's really feeling. You're doing just right. Try talking to him but don't pressure him.

My deepest condolences about your miscarriages. I hope your next pregnancy goes perfectly and produces the wonderful child you both deserve.

Answer 2

A miscarriage can be a very emotional experience. And it sounds like your husband was emotionally invested in the whole process. If that's the case, he may still be recovering from what happened in the past... to some people a miscarriage is no less tragic than any other death of a child. Or perhaps he dealt with his disappointment by telling himself that 'he didn't want a child anyway' and has now come to believe it.

Or he may be worried about YOUR health. My ex had some miscarriages that landed her in the hospital was massive amounts of bleeding and the like. That such things happen is a fact of life that most people ignore until they are faced with such a situation. So it may be that your husband thought it was a good idea but now finds it a little risky.

The bottom line is that you can't force the issue. He may not even have a clear idea himself why he feels the way he does. Just try and be open and accepting for the time being - whether or not his feelings have a rational basis, it IS how he feels. Once you learn more about how exactly he feels about what, then you might be able to change how he feels.

But step 1 is to be receptive and understanding. You want something... if you want to get it, you have to put your desire to one side for now. For now.

Answer 3

Too often we forget that guys have feelings too...he probably didn't say much when you had the miscarriages, but from his excuses now, I feel that he may not really be over the pain from the losses. If I were in this situation, I would write him a letter about my feelings about the losses, my feelings about having a baby, and what a great person he is and how wonderful it would be to see him as a father. I would also tell him that, yes, it is possible that I may have another miscarriage, but knowing that he's there for me makes it worthwhile. God bless your family!

Answer 4

Maybe there are underlying reasons then what he's giving you. Maybe he was hurt more then you realize by the loss of 2 children. Or maybe he doesn't want to see you get hurt again by suffering another loss. If you don't think the reasons he's giving you are legit then write out ways that y'all will manage. Like ways you can cut back on unnessesary expenses. Prove to him it'll be ok and tell him why you really want a child and try and get him to open up about his reasoning. If these losses were recent maybe you should give him a bit more time.

Answer 5

Maybe he's upset over the loss. Maybe he's upset because you were so upset. Maybe he's moved on to other things. And sadly, maybe he's moved beyond you. If it's been more than 6 months since you had the miscarriages, sit him down and demand some answers. Or go into marital counseling. Either way, unless you two get on the same page, things aren't going to improve.

Answer 6

Perhaps you should look into counseling for this. There's no way to know if maybe he is having a panic reaction because of the miscarriages or what. Don't fight, it's not worth it. And, please don't get pregnant on purpose...not right now until you guys get to the bottom of what the problem is.
I hope this works out for the both of you.

Answer 7

First off, a baby that is born is provided for by God. Whether God has orchestrated your county to set up assistance for low-income mothers or whatever, so money is really not a valid excuse.
He may have been traumatized by the miscarriages and perhaps does not know how to express it.
I would suggest you both pray and talk and considering sitting down with a trusted counselor in your area.
Doodad

Answer 8

He probably feels as though he cannot emotionally afford to go through the potential loss of another baby, so he doesn't want to try anymore.
He probably also really has no idea that that is how he feels, he just knows he doesn't want one.

The best thing to do is give him time.

Answer 9

Don't have a baby unless both partners are all for it. I'd say give him awhile before you bring it up again. It sounds like he may be afraid of having another miscarriage.

Answer 10

Maybe he is just acting that way because he is scared that you may miscarry again. Figures it's easier to not try than to deal with the emotional trauma of losing the baby.