How do you know when it is time to divorce? I have been married for 31 years. I was 15, he was 18.?

Question

He was my first boyfriend. I really don't know what it would be like to be on my own. We have nothing in common. He is jealous of my kids. Help!

Answer 1

Jealous of your kids..what about his kids. I think if they are not his kids, it is long past time for the divorce. And if they are his and he is jealous, why is he jealous. What has happened to make him that way.Lots of information needed to provide a good answer to this.

Answer 2

Lets make an assumption that the kids were fathered by your husband.

Now lets take a look at your attitude.
" He is jealous of MY kids". Given the assumption, are they not OUR kids.
I think you will find that , that is the source of your problem.
Your question has all the trapping of the attitude that once you had children they became the center and meaning to your life.

That is okay as far as it goes except now you find yourself wondering if you even need that husband. What happened to the couple that raised the children? Let me guess, you forgot to take care of the couple first. You know the one need to have that family. Of course he is jealous of the kids, they are the only ones that seem to get any attention from you. If fact it sounds as if you would even contemplate leaving rather than include him in your life as MOM.

" You have nothing in common". That also is the phrase used by women who have decided that their husband does not fit into their vision of themselves. This would be very true if you are still trying to dote on children who are out of or near leaving the house. he has put your married existance on hold while you raised your kids and were THE MOM. Don't you think it is time for you to give your marriage a chance to live again before you bail out? Just try to be the wife again and less the MOM and see if things don't improve.

Take a hard look at your own attitude and determine if any of this answer is close.
Based on my 32 years of marriage and our two kids it sounds very familiar. My final observation is that I do not understand how a guy can be jealous of the kids if his wife has been both wife AND mother over the years.
Needy is not becoming in a man but is this a result of your single vision of Mom not PARTNER?

As a quick follow up I checked your answers.
No, marriages are not more succesful if a woman is submissive. Marriages are less sucsessful when you are not working together.

As for wishing he was bigger for 31 years, I'd guess he wished your **** were bigger and firmer or that you had a lot better demeanor. Your answers also tell the tale of a woman who just is not happy with her choice of husband. I'll bet he never made enough money or drank too much or weighs too much or does not spend his time the way you liked. I'd also bet that if we heard his side there would be a liteny of complaints that he has left without a voice because it " just isn't worth it".

Lady, you need to figure out what is really important to you and find a way to respect the man that supported you for thirty years+. Because the path that you are on is headed to loneliness. Is that really what you want?

Answer 3

Since you're not in danger, just unhappy, you need to do a little self-assessment first.

Is this marriage unsalvageable? If you suggested counseling, would he cooperate? If he were more appreciative of you and showed it, would the fact that you have little in common matter?

Does your religion recognize divorce? His?

Can you support yourself (and your kids if they're still minors)? If not, what job skills can you get quickly? Is there work in that field where you live? Do you have a way to get to a job?

Do you have some money saved to get started at a new apartment or house? (First & last months' rent, security deposit.) Could you buy or borrow furniture if you needed to? Do you have family or a friend with whom you could live temporarily?

Can you afford an attorney to represent your best interests (mostly financially) in divorce proceedings?

And last, the biggie, are you better off without him?

It may well be time to divorce, but many women find themselves in financially hard times when they do. You can prepare for that time right now by getting yourself job skills if you don't have them.

Answer 4

You said you have nothing in common, and yet you have been married to each other for 31 years. Your partner cannot be exactly like you, after all we do not want to marry ourselves. But I am sure that you two share the same fundamentals. I do not understand why he is jealous of your kids??? Even that's true for whatever reason, it is hardly a reason for divorce. I am sure this is something you two can work out.

Answer 5

Are you happy? YOU, not him you. Ask yourself if you want your life to be like this untill you die.........if its no then you need to remember that when you got married you made a commitment to this other person for your life. So whatever you have to do in order to get "that" back again then that's what you've got to do. And by the way...aren't those his kids too.
Is this a situation that your spending all your time and energy on your kids and your husbands feeling neglected and jealous because he doesn't have any of your time or attention. Hmmmm, is that why he's jealous of the kids?

Yeah know when I answer questions like this in here about stuff like this between 2 people its really only ever one sided and not all that informative...........how do you really expect a helpfull answer when you just throw bones out to us?

Answer 6

WOW That is all I have to say. 31 yrs of marriage. and you wake up and want to know how it is to be on your own. Are the kids both yours. In the question it states that he is jealous of your kids? I guess My mother woke up and decided the same thing after 21 yrs of marriage. My father remarried but my mother never did she has gone trough guy friend after guy friend and realized that wow it's tougher than I thought. Is this a case of the kids moved out of the house and now we realize we have nothing in common. find new things to do/talk about it. I'm sorry I am a little biased with my answer.

Answer 7

He's jealous of the kids? That's terrible. Only you know when it's time for a divorce, but talk to a professional marriage counselor before doing anything drastic.

I'm recently separated and very happy. You will be happy and fulfilled on your own, if you think everything through and don't do anything drastic.

Good luck, do some soul searching.

Answer 8

If you were married at 15 the children must be his kids too, right? If so you do have the kids in common. Why should
he be jealous of his own children. It does sound as if you have
a mountain of problems. First you need to try to work it out.
You have never been on your own and you have no idea of
what it's like. Think this over very carefully before you do any
thing.

Answer 9

I know that there is more to this story than the fact that you married this man at 15 and he's jealous of your kids. Therefore, you know that you have to do what is best for yourself. Sounds as if your kids are grown and if you waited this long to divorce him, why are you wanting to do it now?

Answer 10

At this rate you two have already beat the odds. You were married at such a young age it's amazing that you have stayed together this long. If it's worth it to you to go another ten years then seek marriage counseling; if not then get the divorce. Something kept you two together this long; try to remember what that is.

I'm curious to know why you said my kids instead of our kids or the kids?