Check out my poem.?

Question

Let me know what you think. I submitted it to poetry.com. I have another one that I have on there also.

-Wake up-

Razorblades sliding down your wrists
Flashing life you forgot and missed
Sitting there all red and stained
Wishing all of your pain to go away

Don’t play that game
You will surely lose
Thinned blood from
The pills and booze

Wake up…
To another day
Like magic
The pain went away

Just for all of you that think Im "Emo" Actually im not. I am a happy up beat person. Its just sometimes things come to you and you write them down. I I tend to write things when they come to me. That way I won't forget.

Constructive criticism is more than welcomed but don't just assume Im "Emo" just because its dark.

Answer 1

When an idea comes to mind it doesn't mean your 'emo', the others are probably just jealous because it has meaning to it, and I thought it was well done. Beautiful. Continue writing more. Its always good to write a variety of them. Dark, Happy, sadness, Life, Death. I thought it was wonderful though. All the best.

Answer 2

poetry.com is a really cool site for sure. I have at least 5 poems published in anthologies with them. I am also a member on 3 different poetry sites and haven't reviewed a piece in quite a while as I have been very busy. Here is my suggestion for your piece....but the last stanza really needs some work. We don't just wake up to pain being gone. We have to work at it and find a release for it as well. Mine is writing....

Razorblades sliding
down tender wrists.
Flashing life,
forgotten...missed.

Flailing in puddles
red and stained
desiring the release
of internal pain.

Playing that game
once can only lose.
Blood is thinned by
pills and booze.

(here you need to work on the last stanza)
Keep in mind that this only my suggestion and we all have our own perceptions of how things should be done. I hope this helps you....

Answer 3

Nice! I liked, good for you, not an Emo's poem ha!

..rush up through the stairs,
hurry! darkness it's coming,
flirting with the emotions
as a saggy awakens floating

Hearth beats are rising!
shaking knees are crushing
and endless walk to the eternity
will suddenly be approaching

Don't come closer, don't touch
my space of fear
Keep walking ignoring
that my eminence end it's near

Falling, no more steps to go
no more hearth beats to feel
slowing walk to my bed
waiting to be release

Dignity and pride,
as a decent end should be
I bid you, so won't hesitate
come slowly, easy down turn me,

no where else to go,no more means
life remain before death threats
as always should be
so, I'm ready for the agony, I'm ready for the wait

...hurry, precious time shouldn't be waste.

Hope you like mine!! Can U named?

Answer 4

I think that's great. You can be a good poet, but try to take away some of the violence, blood, and emo-ish culture. Try to write something brighter, and happier. You can make one medieval with dark and evil, just no blood or emo related things, and you'll be great! Keep going, don't give up.

Answer 5

Kid, stop conforming to the emo culture. You think you are being different.. you are only like every other person trying to fit the style before you. If you really wish not to be depressed, all you have to do is change your attitude and the thoughts which you carry. Then maybe, you can write REAL poetry.

Answer 6

I like it...........I like it alot. What you wrote there is a great description of whats going on in our society. Young people losing control. Very sad, but very true.

Answer 7

I think it's descriptive enought to understand where you are comming from. I think it was well written. Who know you were a poet? I just didn't know it!!!

Answer 8

Pretty good, a bit dark and deep.

Answer 9

poetry.com is a scam.
Avoid that site.
http://www.ripoffreport.com/searchresults.asp?q5=Poetry.com&searchtype=0&q1=ALL&q3=&q2=&q7=&q4=&q6=&start=0
http://www.winningwriters.com/contests/wergle/we_guidelines.php

Answer 10

change the 4th line to: trying to wish away all your pain.