Need make up advice. I have fallen into the trap of letting outside influence disturb my marriage. My husband?

Question

asked me not to purchase some insurance, and because the salesman was my cousin I did it behind his back. Long story short I got caught, I have apologized the only thing is, the very next day I let the kids do something he asked me not to do. My reasons for allowing the kids to do that is because its summer and they have yet to really go anywhere. I have apologized for that too. But he is hurt and mad. I feel he should understand I was only trying to please everyone (and made a bigger mess) how can I make it up to him? He said he doesn't know if we will make it if I won't listen to him. (we will be ok, I just need him to forgive me, quick) My birthday is this weekend, kidding.

Thank you all very much for your input. I do get it, but I really need some actual ideas on how to let him know I'm sorry. Something unique.

Answer 1

From reading past questions and this one, you sound so much like me it isn't even funny. Here's what I think-I could be way off.
You are a codependent, you can't say no to anyone, husband, cousin, children. (I am, at least my shrink tells me I am). We allow others to control are lives, and give in all the time for the sake of harmony. We are married to good men who love us, but because we have sat back for so long and let them take over, they think it is their right to do so now. Now I am not saying we are doormats, far from it, we just pick our battles carefully, and sometimes agree just because we don't want to battle.
Problem is we are intelligent woman and have reached a point in our lives that we don't want to be that anymore. We start making our own decisions, and live our own lives, and boom he just doesn't know what hit him.
First thing you need to do is decide if the decisions you made were made for the right reasons. I mean did you buy the insurance because you felt you needed it or you couldn't tell your cousin no. Did you let the kids go because it really was the right thing to do, or you just didn't want to listen to them complain. If you made those decisions for the right reasons then you need to explain to your husband why you did it, you have a right to the say in your life, your finances, and your children. Explain to him that you should have discussed it with him, explained your side of the argument instead of just doing it, but at the same time he cannot just tell you what to do or not to do, without listening to your imput.
In the future you need to be more honest with everyone about your feelings, You need to learn to tell your cousin no, I don't need it, You need to tell your husband no I don't agree with you. Oh it seems easy but if you are a true codependent it can be near impossible at times. But once you start you will feel free. As far as your marriage, it will be difficult for the controlling man in the beginning, but if you do it with love and respect they will grow to appreciate your openness and it will almost be a relief to him to not have to do all the thinking by himself all the time. Like I said not that you didn't or don't think, but you didn't feel like your opinion or your feelings mattered. THEY DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As far as the making up thing, SEX, always works for me.

Answer 2

Haven't you ever heard "You can't please everyone?" This is true and don't feel bad for not being able to. It means you are human!

First of all, he has some leeway here to feeling hurt and mad. But notice I said "SOME." Allowing the children to do things after dad said no (or the other way around) is like cutting the respective parent's legs out from under them. It is disrespectful and undermines the other parent's authority. This is a NO No!

On the other side, you don't have to "listen to him" as he is not YOUR parent. You are husband and wife and therefore SHOULD be on equal footing! You two need to make a habit of talking WITH EACH other and DISCUSSING issues without one issuing edicts and the other feeling like they have reason to defy.

You BOTH have work to do on this relationship. Next time, tell him you want to discuss the insurance thing (or whatever it is at that point) and why you believe it is a good idea or a bad idea. Listen to what his opinions are and see if you two can't meet somewhere in the middle!

When it comes to the kids, they are seeing that if one says no then ask the other. They are able to play you both and that is a dangerous game of manipulation that they are learning! If they see you as a united front, then they will respect BOTH of you. If you disagree with your husband's decisions, then ask him to please defer to answer until you two have had a chance to discuss the matter and you can come to a compromise together!

Good luck!

A marriage is full of compromise and mutual consideration...and a family is a team. So work together to benefit all parties and you will find that pleasing your team is the best feeling yet!

Truth

Answer 3

Oh, boy this is none of my business so here goes. He might be a little controlling. A manipulator can be even more controling. I can t imagine a young couple that couldn't learn a lot from counseling and self help information on line. They say the success of a relationship can be gauged by how well they handle issues together. If things are out of sinyc I recommend a low tolerance level for that. The more you tolerate the more you get. Some people are addicted to drama. That's atuomatically out except for mutual teasing of something. Sounds like your trying to get him engaged in the relationship. Guys aren't always good at that. They better get good. You might could teach him. Problems keep coming along and eventually they all will probably have to be handled to have the most fun out of marriage. Guys just have to be taught and then they can take off if they get intuitive. Women hate having to teach a guy I think. I don't know why exactly. I don't think it's a good enough reason.

Answer 4

Well I've heard the phrase "I don't now if we can be together if you don't listen to me." Thats a sign of him being controlling. I personally left the guy who used that on me. But i didn't have kids also. IF you want to "fix" it i would talkto him and let him know how you feel. Not that you're sorry but how you feel. A marrage is a partnership and only when two people work together for it will a marrage last. But if you find yourself put down alot and feeling ashamed and sad most of the time...then maybe you should start to think about what would make you happy, not him.

Answer 5

I'm trying to figure out why you should be jealous. Was this affair while you two were seeing each other and therefore you see this other woman as a potential threat to your relationship with your husband or was this affair before your time? In either case you would have been aware of the child's existence before you got married. Is there something wrong with the childs mother that your husband would want to have full custody of her? You don't have to like this woman but for the sake of both your children you should show her no animosity or give her any reason to be antagonistic towards you. Treat her child like the precious jewel she is and sit down with your husband and set out rules together for his contact with the child's mother and both of you try to stick to them.

Answer 6

It's difficult when hubby and wife are thinking on different pages, me and my hubby go through this all the time, he'll say one thing and i'll be the nice one and say another then he's mad i didn't listen to him, but the key to making your relationship work is communication, sit down and talk to him and explain your reasons for making the decisions you did , tell him you listen to his opinion but sometimes you don't think it's the best one....try to get him to understand why you did what you did and try coming up with a solution on how to agree on choices, it's hard and takes work but it can all work out, just swallow your pride tell him your sorry for not listening and talk it out.

Answer 7

Ummm...you aren't very considerate are you? My husband does that to me all the time. Going behind my back and doing stupid stuff that I specifically asked him not to do. Breaking promises he has made....yea. The thing we have done is to talk. Marriage is a big two C's; communication and cooperation. You aren't the only one in the relationship, start considering his feelings too and he'll notice it. That's all the advice I can give.

Answer 8

Your husband is upset because you're taking him into consideration when making decisions. You'd feel the same if the situation was reversed. Talk to your husband and try harder to stick to decisions made by both of you! Good Luck

Answer 9

Tell him (and mean it) that you will work on being more respectful of his wishes. It's very important to men to feel that their woman truly respects them, not that they're just pretending to. In addition, your kids will start to see that their dad has no say in anything. Whatever he says, Mom gets to make the final decision... this happened in my family and I hated it. I thought my dad needed to stand up for himself and my mom was too controlling. Please talk about things first with him. He'll feel that you really respect him, and he'll be more willing to say yes if he knows your seeking his advice (not permission) first. Good luck!

Answer 10

Whatever happened to a man leaves his mother and father to join his wife as one. Everyone else does not matter. The only person you need to please is your husband and not your family. Family couldn't care less about your marriage and when you divorce, family will be the first to rejoice at your failure. You need to concentrate and LISTEN to your man or it's doomed.