We've won the custody battle, how can we "win" the emotional battle over my step son?

Question

When I met my husband s.s. was 4 years old. We have never really had the money for a lawyer so we were stuck with a really lousy custody arrangement for a long time. When we would have s.s. for a weekend, and were getting ready to take him back to his Mom and Grandma, he would literally tremble with fear and beg us not to take him back. This tore our hearts out, but we had no choice. Finally my Mom paid for us to get a lawyer a year ago or so, and really just having the lawyer and the ability to fight is all we needed, b/c we told her we had enough on her (abuse, her and her familiy's police records, ect..), to not only win but humiliate her in court, so convinced her it was better to sign, and she did, but not before telling her son (yet again) that she wanted nothing more to do with him bc he said he wanted to be with us. She still has visits, and talks to him on phone occasionally, and she will mess w/ his mind. She tells him "pencil pushers" are not real men, when we try to

encourage him to work hard on his education so he can get a good job some day. She tells him he is a sissy when we teach him not to fight, then plays his sis's "Barbie" song to illustrate what a "sissy" he is for not fighting when she tells him to beat up some kids in the neighborhood, and no matter how much she hurts him, and how good we are to him, he will still tell us he wishes he lived with her and not us. We try so hard to teach him good values, but I fear so much deep down, that he will turn out like them, in and out of prison, not amounting to anything, not holding a job down, drinking exessively, ect... And whenever I express concern to his Mom about how she treats him, she screams that I am not his Mom, that I am nothing to him, then reminds me in as much vulgar detail as possible how it came to be that she IS his Mom. This wouldn't hurt as much if s.s. didn't also make me feels sometimes that I am nothing to him.

Sorry, I should have mentioned, he's 12 now.

We do NOT EVER bad mouth his Mom in front of him. Also, I do not try to take her place, I have never asked him to call me "Mom", nor does he. In fact, it is usually me who has to tell him over and over again that his Mom loves him very much, when she says things to him that tell him otherwise. I do know that it is not a matter of "winning", really. I just mean, how can we keep her bad influence from being stronger than the good influence we try so hard to impress on him by telling him he IS a wonderful person, that he does have value, and that it isn't "sissy" to want to do well educationally and career wise, nor is is "sissy" to try to solve problems with your head instead of your fists, ect... Yes, I know I can only give my side of the story, but hers would just consist of a bunch of yelling and cursing about how I'm a goody two shoes who tries to make a sissy out of her son, who thinks she's perfect, ect... I've heard it enough to repeat her side if you'd like...

We are in Texas

Answer 1

Twelve year old's are at the age when they start craving "Independence." Kids actually like it if you're not their friend, but parents.

First thing you've got to recognize is your goal in raising this child. This goal is preparing him for his "Independence." A good start is to brain storm with your husband what activities give this young man the tools he needs. These can be chores, sports, and education. List expectations he can reach and then slightly increase your expectations then share this with your son. This is on-going ... it's good to re-visit this every 3-4 months so you're not being too easy or too hard in expectations. It's always a good sign when he's exceeding and can take more on.

Second, a HUGE part of getting independence is recognizing you can't do stuff alone. So, you want to get him in activities where he needs his Dad's and your help. It is also good if you teach him what his mother can and cannot do as well.

Just because things in the past were yucky doesn't mean you should give up on goals for this young man.

Answer 2

Sadly I would have to tell you that I cant buy the whole picture here..This is your version of the story..With or without police records, she is the mother, I find it hard to believe that you could love that child more than her...I am not saying that you dont love him, But She is the mother...regardless of what she has done =or the kind of living that she has..If I were you I would step back, and let things flow..Let your husband and her deal with it..If things are like you are saying, then let it be..When Kids grow up they learn the difference..and If you did the right things, eventhough his mother has been telling him otherwise, then he will know trust me...I have three kids...Two of them from a previous marriage...My ex-husband tried to brainwash my kids telling him bad things about my current husband..My Hussband got upset, but I convinced him not to do anything ab out it..My kids are old enough now, to know that my hsuband loves them and that all the stupid things that my ex said, were just a product of jelousy...
Also...As a mom, If I see another woman trying to take my place...I would be upset..So be careful..know what role you are playing...She is the Mother..You are the Stepmom...

Good Luck

Answer 3

You have done well so for, now, get the chilled examined by a therapist, I know it is spending money again, but it is a mean’s to an end. Establish that she is negatively impacting her son’s life and causing him more mental complication, then simply request the court to either have a social worker attending the meeting with him, and to suspend all unsupervised calls by telephone, if that does not stop her, then the social worker deposition along with another therapist report will grantee that she is incapacitated to act as a mother and she will loose all access to your son.

Do not feel guilty, she is NOT putting his best interest before everything, you are… That is all, you ARE keeping him from her harm’s way…. Good Luck

Answer 4

I've been where your stepson was, admittedly a long time ago. It's tough for all concerned, and it really annoys me every time I hear another version of the same thing being played out.

Just love him, support him, take care of him. Remind him that being crazy isn't inherited always, so he doesn't have to be as bad as his mom unless he so chooses.

Don't trash talk her, just point out that in civilized society acting like berserk white trash on THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW is frowned upon.

Answer 5

It's going to take a lot of time.

You're attacking his mom in his eyes, and on top of that you're forcing him to do things that he doesn't want to do, even if they are good for him.

Your food is probably different, and better, but better for him, and not to him.

His friends were at his moms, his room was probably a safe place and now he's in a strange place.

It'll take time, and not just time, but time with you and your husband changing his perception.

I think the only way to speed it up is to do as many fun things as possible.

Answer 6

for one you need to not say anything to her at all.. or to him about her at all.. you cant win the emotional battle and sad to say you didnt win the custody one either no one won you all lost and more so the child lost. all You can do is love him and support him and hope that he is able to become a productive person. And you are not his mother you are his step mother, and you will always be the woman who "humiliated his mother in court", that was your battle and win not his!! and he will never forgive you, for it right or wrong.. the best you can hope for is that one day he does fbecome a good person also this will not be your win it will be his.... and allow every one to move forward...

Answer 7

how old is your son now? if he's old enough to read and understand you might want to show him his mom's recordbut that could backfire as well. id say the only thing is to keep loving him (without spoiling him in a pi##ing contest with his mom) and just being there for him. spend quality time and talk! keep communicating. the rest is work, hope and faith. PEACE.


Vin

Answer 8

You need to file for a modification of the custody/visitation order.

You don't need a lawyer to do this. You can do it IN PRO PER.

What you are going to ask for is supervised visits.

Let me know what state you are in. A lot of states have their judicial forms available on-line in interactive form which you can complete then print out.

If you are in California, let me know. I'll give you a link to the form.

Document everything.

Please e-mail me if you have any questions.

Answer 9

Seems to me you have your own motives at stake here that are higher than the well being of the child.

Otherwise why have to "humiliate" her in court.

As for any emotional battle, there is no such thing as winning, and the technical term for attempting is BRAINWASHING

Answer 10

talk with him and tell him that he has nothing to worry about in the hands of you and your husband and things like that. You can't let his mom control him. Just keep loving him and tell him you love him. I don't know if already calls you mom or not but just make things the best that they can at your place. if you want to email me you can at

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