Poem/song, tell me what u think please.?

Question

Heres my story,
this his how goes
The day my bestfriend
Had left me all alone
Real bad choice
Horrible decision
Who would of thought that
Beer had caused the collision.

Late night out
Cruisin’ on the town
Before you grabbed the keys,
You had a couple rounds
Didn’t take a second to think about nothing
Who would have known that something would happen

Speedin down the road in your 69 nova
Beer in one hand shifter in the other.
Goin to fast couldn’t see the turn
Hit the brakes so hard, your tires coulda burned,
then in one split second your car had overturned.

(CHORUS)
This is the beginning of the end
Livin’ my life without my bestfriend
Didn’t have time to tell you I loved you.
Now you’re gone and I don’t know what to do.

(BRIDGE)
I need you.
I miss you.
want one last moment with you.
I hate you
For leavin me here alone
I need to
hear you
One more time.
To see your
smile so bright.


It was about 2 am when I had got the call
Couldn’t even breathe when the tears began to fall
My whole world came, crashin down around me
Now I’m left, to stand on my own two feet.

(CHORUS)
This is the beginning of the end
Livin’ my life without my bestfriend
Didn’t have time to tell you I loved you.
Now you’re gone and I don’t know what to do.

Morning finally broke, I grabbed my things
Headed out to town, To view the wretched scene
White chalk line in the shape of your body
That’s the very last thing a friend would want to see
Shattered glass was spread across the road
“you were goin bout 90” that’s what I was told
Couldn’t break down
Cause you hate to see me cry
Damn, I never thought this is the way I’d say goodbye.


(CHORUS) repeat x2
This is the beginning of the end
Livin’ my life without my bestfriend
Didn’t have time to tell you I loved you.
Now you’re gone and I don’t know what to do.

Answer 1

This sounds a lot like a country song, I dont say that to make fun but the rhyming pattern, the chorus 'this is my story' thing really rings country, so if that is the genre you're trying to fit into I think its ok- for such a serious issue unfortunatly i think the begining does come off a bit corny, just the rhyme pattern you used and simple words doesnt seem completely fitting for something 'real' and of depth

Answer 2

It's not necessarily too long, but it isn't consistant. You need to make sure lines that are expected to rhyme actually rhyme. Be careful about putting in extra beats and extra lines...your "song" needs to be true to the music, so you need to edit your words so they work hand in hand a little better.

Also, remember you're redoing an old theme (death by auto, miss you, shoulda/woulda/coulda, etc.) This means that unless you really have something new to say, it won't make an impression. Listen for potential aliterations that might help some of your lines and keep at it.

Answer 3

Yeah a sprint to blatant Poetry disguises issues in metaphors. you're hitting us excessive with a hammer! "And the Wind, Cried, Mary...." "Excuse me, whilst I kiss the sky!" Jimmi could be a real poet! "some like Jelly, Jelly, some like Gold" Robert Hunter ought to hit you excessive, besides as be metaphorical Now enable's take a real hit excessive from Hunter "This old engine, makes it on time Leaves critical Station at a quater to 9 Hits river junction at 20 to 2 At a quater to 10 you recognize, he's travelin returned! driving that prepare, extreme on Cocaine Casey Jones you better Watch your speed! difficulty forward you recognize difficulty at the back of and you recognize that concept purely go my innovations! difficulty with you is the difficulty with me we've been given 2 stable eyes yet we purely can not see Come around the bend you recognize that's the tip The Fireman Screams and the Engine purely gleams!" Get the component?! right here's a song a singer, Jackie Windslow, I labored with wrote "i became down and out Feeling blue too a lot booze and brew To a lot blow My... primary practitioner stated i became a sight to be believed and so he surpassed me a value ticket to the 714 Now, do not innovations me i'm an explorer that's area of my nature Like a lion who's a Roarer in case you spot me Comin go the border purely bear in innovations it became: medical doctors Orders!" (pass look up Roer 714, in any different case primary because of the fact the Quualude)

Answer 4

All jokes aside..................... It's way toooooooo long.
It's all good lyrics, you should cut about half of what you got.
I'm just being honest.

Answer 5

too long

Answer 6

i think you should record it