Is there anything I can do about the fact that I've grown uncomfortable with my spouse?

Question

Now that the kids have grown and pretty much left home and it's just she, myself and and the cat, I find that I've grown rather uncomfortable around my wife. The silence sometimes is almost deafening. Our interests are quite disimilar, and the fact that we don't nor really ever have had much in common doesn't make for very good conversation. And, I might add, the sex has become practically non existent, which only seems to compound the problem. This is, in a nutshell, is my problem. It's really considerably more complicated than this, but there just isn't the time or the space here for all the details. In short, I really don't know what to do. Any suggestions? Twenty six and a half years, I fear, are about to go down the drain unless a solution can be found. Thank you all in advance for whatever you might be able to contribute.

Answer 1

Do you WANT to be with her? Truly, deep down in your heart, do you love her? Not because she is your wife of 26 years or because she is the mother of your children? But do you love her because you enjoy her company, she makes you happy, you laugh together?
If you end it, don't look at it as 26 years down the drain. Look at it as a chapter in your life that had high points and low points. Look at it as a period in your life that gave you your children and I'm sure some great memories.
You can't expect either of you to be the same people you were 26 years ago. Some people grow and change together, others don't.
If you think the marriage is still what you want, than you need to see a marriage counselor. If not, appreciate what you shared and look forward to a new and exciting chapter in your life.

Answer 2

Sounds very sad, and i'm sure many couples after that many years are going through the same thing, but you know the old saying...communication is the key....you both need to sit down and talk to one another, really, dont' throw all those years down the drain...bring back the spark, talk about how your feeling to her and ask her if she feels the same, tell her it's botheing you that your interests are different now , and the sex is gone and that you don't talk much and i'm sure she may be feeling the same way but not saying anything, she may think your happy with it being this way, ask her what you two can do together, find a hobby that you both can agree on and start doing that together, wether it be joining a bowling leage....golfing....fishing...or just taking a walk, find something the two of you can enjoy together, and out of all the things in the world there is to do out there, you can find something, and then when you do you'll have more to talk about, and you'll both be happier and that will make you both more in the mood for sex....you seem to have grown apart and you dont' want to do that, now is the time you need each other the most, the kids are gone and that was your life before but now it's your time together, and you wanna make the most of it and enjoy it together, so please give it a try...talk to her and tell her you want to find something to do together and i'm sure that'll put a smile on her face and things can change for the better from there...good luck to you and God bless....

Answer 3

With twenty six years of history and raising children together, you obviously have a lot in common. Love your family together. Being divorced is not likely to get you a better or more interestering person with whom to hang out, plus going through a divorce is a miserable experience. I would suggest a heaping helping of honesty between the two of you. If you love her, start by telling her often. Try to remember what brought you together. Find a lightness in your personality that you have forgotten. Show it to her and hopefully she will follow. Give it some time. I do not believe this is an uncommon situation for the marriage to really seem dull after the children leave the home. I do believe it is worth a shot to try and get it back on track. If life with her is boring, life without her is not going to be a cakewalk either. The only real difference is that single again, you may initially feel like there is hope for happiness. My suggestion, try to make your happiness within the marriage, even if that means doing it on your own, following your own intersts. This would likely make you more attractive to her, which might light a few sparks.

Answer 4

Now is the time to "update your marriage a bit", sir. You have been together so long and it sounds as if you two have been very good parents. I hope very sincerely that the marriage will stay together, even if needs to be refreshed by some new patches, Elmer's glue or "duck tape".

What I would do first is sit down and have a heart to heart talk. Just start by chatting casually about your present lives and gently try to see how she feels about it. (As someone ^ said, she may be hiding feelings that she has never revealed.)

Next, see if she will go out to dinner with you. The ^ people have said neat things, like "date your own wife"! Compliment her about her dress, her hair, her shoes--whatever--but *sincerely*.

Next--perhaps in the morning--I would suggest that both of you write all the good things that you feel about and see in each other, the funny times, the wonderful days you spent before the nest was empty. Perhaps, then, you both will have the strength to write down all the bad things, the annoying things, the little everyday things that silently drive you up the wall.

Keep up that dating!

If you are working and she is not, maybe a part time job for would be good. How about giving yourselves one whole day to yourself--to read, rest, shop (not you, sir), meet old (platonic) friends for lunch or a drink. Each of you needs your "space". Do you each have a little private place in your home that is all yours?

Try making or redecorating something! HGTV can be really fun to watch. Maybe you two will decide on a room or a part of your yard to "upgrade a bit".

Have fun, sir! Have a real sense of fun develop between you. Try PLAYING with your marriage.

I know some of these things may need a therapist or counselor, but put a great light on that too. Try to put a good light on everything--no grumping, groaning, saying awful things under your breath. If a day is not good, sleep it away or take your cat...oops!...cats don't go for walks! Take your wife and enjoy the little things, the birds, the flowers, some gathering clouds, other people's gardens.

Now go and start planning your refreshed marriage!

"You'll be bothered from time to time by storms, fog, snow. When you are, think of those who went through it before you and say to yourself, 'What they could do, I can do.' " ...from Antoine de Saint Exupery, "Wind, Sand and Stars" p. 16

Answer 5

Have an affair with her. Really, have a midlife crisis and include her. Do some things that you both haven't done for awhile. Make a chocolate cake and eat it with your fingers. Buy some blowing bubbles and sit on the back steps and blow bubbles for a little while. Fall in love with her all over again.

You need to re-define life. A long chapter has ended....hell, maybe the whole book is over and now you need to write something new in the book.

It's true, you both have probably grown quite bored of each other. So, make up some new stuff to intrigue each other.

The truth is that you do have a choice, you can go looking elsewhere to put some joy in your life or you can look her in the eye and decide to define a new life with her. She just might be the best person to start a new life with.

Answer 6

Wow...my heart goes out to both of you. Well, maybe if you tell her that you want her to get to do what she wants to do and for you to get to do what you want to do. Then make a plan for both of you to alternate back and forth...taking turns doing what the other wants to do. Make a rule that there can be no complaints whatsoever. You never know. You both might have fun doing whatever it is the other one wants to do.

The other thing that came to mind is that perhaps there is more to this. Have there been hurt feelings in the past that haven't been addressed? Maybe there is more going on that needs to be addressed. Just an idea...may be nothing like that.

You two have been together so many years. That is so great to see.

One more suggestion would be to think back to when you first started dating her. What did the two of you enjoy doing together then? Why not do the same thing now? Go park out on a country road again. Act like teenagers, why not? What do you have to lose? Be romantic with her. It usually makes a difference with us ladies.

You spent all this time nurturing the children. Now it is time to nurture each other. Good luck to you!

Answer 7

Your marriage is at a transition period, and it's up to the two of you to make something of it or let it disintegrate.
Nothing is ever stagnant in life...it is either growing or diminishing.
Time to set up a week on a carribean island. Time to have discussions such as, what do we want to do with the rest of our lives now that we are finally free to do things?
Do we want to move? Do we want to travel the world? Do we have personal goals unfinished?
Throwing away 26 years will leave you a bitter man in the end. You may go out there and have fantastic sex with a woman 20 years younger than you, but in the end starting over will exhaust you.
Family gatherings will be no more. 26 years of history can't be erased, but suddenly finding yourself alone is a distinct possibility.
I'm just trying to point out to you that this is very complicated, and needs to be worked on one minute at a time. You don't get instant gratification like a teenager after 26 years with somebody.
Your emotional intimacy with your wife is always a fragile thing, even after all that time together. I tell everyone in here the same thing: Fix the emotional intimacy and the sex fixes itself.

Answer 8

I would say that you are both bored if the silence is "deafening". That means she's not talking either. I suspect she probably feels much the same as you do.

I'd approach her about it, and see if maybe you two can reach a mutual agreement, either to seek counseling, or maybe consider a separation. In either case, you should be able to determine if you're just bored, or if you're just done with the relationship.

I've always found that the best answer is communication and honesty between two people. Most problems can be solved by these two magical things.

Go talk to her...you may be surprised at what you hear!

Much luck to you both!

Answer 9

Twenty six years is along time to be married. Think back to the time when you two were dating. What was it about your wife that made you want to marry her? List the things you can think of and see how many you come up with. Alot of times in marriages the woman throws her life into taking care of the children and doesn't leave room for the husband. maybe your job kept you away from home so you weren't part of the process of helping with the kids and making decisions. I don't know what happened to you two through the years, only you know.
For a marriage to be successful, you have to work at it. You have to be COMMITTED to each other and commuicate your thoughts and feelings, have goals together. Maybe you will be retiring in the next few years. have you and your wife sat down and made plans for what you want to do when you retire? We don't always grow in the same direction when we get older,but that shouldn't change how you feel about each other. Do things with your wife that she likes to do, even though it' not your forte. She should be willing to do the same for you. Your goal as her husband is to be there for her and take care, and love her. the same for her. You my have to relearn what she likes and dislikes because you haven't been keeping up with her life. Get to know her all over and remember why you married her in the first place. You have invested alot of years together. Don't throw it away.

Answer 10

Marriage takes effort. I'm sure by now you already know it, but maybe you're tired of the effort. But my advice is FIND something you can have in common. Like you, I've been married for 26 years. My husband and I don't have a lot in common. I snowboard 50-60 days a year, he doesn't. I love hiking, he doesn't. I love photography; he rarely has the patience for me to take all the photos I want. But he doesn't mind me snowboarding, hiking, or taking photos. He allows me to have my own life. He is into cars, big time. He's spent tons of time restoring a car and is working on a 2nd. I love cars, but it didn't really start out that way. I go to car shows with him, help him sometimes work on the cars. But what we do together often is go on road trips, trips to the beach, or other romantic spots. We stay in nice hotels and/or eat at nice restaurants, and leave work at home. It has done us a world of good.

So even though we don't have a ton of things in common we work it out. I think probably you are suffering from what a lot of people do. When you're raising your children you forget to take the time to do things together as a couple. Then when the kids are all raised the romance is gone out of your marriage. But I believe it can be revived.

Go on some dates. Find out what your wife likes, and even if you hate it, go do it with her. Go on some romantic outings, to the beach, the mountains, or wherever you used to like going before the kids came along. Try to remember what you did when you were courting. You need to get to know each other again. It will take some time and effort, but after 26 1/2 years you owe it to yourself and family to do your best to revive what you once had.

Good luck!