Do you like this song?

Question

Ok i wrote this song about growing up with alchoholic parents. Its just the start of it. Tell me what you think.btw i am only 13 so dont expect great.
I was there on the night, you got into your fight. The scars they wont heal, as time passes, but they wil let us remember the life that we had. We put our cards on the table, as we were so unable, to distinguish the lies, from the truth in your eyes. So tell me how could i know, when i was seven years old and im drowning in fear because your never here. You always left me alone, when i was most vulnerable, yeah.
Ok so its supposed to be slow and u might not get it and stuff but ok just tell me what you think. Thanks.

Answer 1

I think you have both a gift and a reason to write.

Lyrics to songs are poems, which you have written. The best of them are from experiences, which you have written. Now, to make it a song, let's do this. Remove the 7 years old and replace it with, "When I was so young". Now let's replace, "You always left me alone", with "I was always left alone". This gives the listener a way of relating to your song without it being personal just to you. The listener wants your song to relate to them; not just to you.

What you have written is the refrain I will talk about. It is the theme of your song. Therefore, this is what will be the refrain. In case you don't know, a refrain is a paragraph of a song that is repeated 2 or three times in a song.

Your lyrical poem is not long enough and needs a "refrain" or a continuous part that is sung over again during the song to separate the parts of your life that are affected. "The scars that won't heal", are coincidentally the same as the refrain of Elton John's song, "Daniel", but your surrounding words are different.

Elton's refrain that is similar is:

"Daniel my brother, you are older than me.
Do you still feel the pain, that your scars will not heal.
Your eyes have died, but you see more than I.
Daniel your a star, in the face of sky".

(These lyrics were written by Bernie Taupin; Elton wrote the music).

This type of refrain is what you have already written and need for your song and you should introduce your sorrow in the first lines of your poem, then have your refrain before your next telling of your story. You have accomplished that in part, but it needs to be arranged.

I think your refrain should start with your words. Let me put it into a song lyric format.

We put our cards on the table, as we were so unable.
To distinguish the lie from the truth in your eyes,
Tell me how could I know, when I was so young and drowning.
I was in fear because you were never here.

Perfect work on your part. Your words are fantastic, I only arranged it.

As a musician, not a lyricist, this would be easy to put to music. What you have to do now is to surround this refrain. Lyrically, you should have an opening statement of 4 or a maximum of 6 lines. Then this refrain. After that, write another 4 or 6 lines that relates to your first introduction.

If you can and if it makes the song better, you may add another lyrical paragraph of 4 to 6 lines, but that would be rare.

Then conclude your song with the refrain you wrote earlier (or my example of it). It will tie all of your intent and suffering and allow your audience to "feel your pain".

Your situation has gained my attention. You are not only a good lyricist but one who has a story to tell. I will help you write your song and I will tell you how to copyright it through the Library of Congress as your own work of art. Additionally, when you work is finished and copyrighted, I will put it to music and send you the finished work in my own voice.

I think this song should be in either G-minor, C-minor or B-major. There are many possibilities for such good work.

You may feel free to write me at anytime for advice. Joncj5 at yahoo. Best wishes, Elton.

Answer 2

I think it's great, my father was a drunk and I remember when he thought my mon's finger was the liid to a ketchup bottle and tried to twist it off in the middle of the night and how she screamed. They were married for 20 years before they got divorced, and my dad passed away in 1982. He was a good man but now I drink a lot and I think it runs in the family 'cause so does my sister. It's sad.

Answer 3

that's a great song/poem. very deep and real and cutting. I'm sorry your life had to be like this, that's very unfortunate, but writing about it definitely helps and you seem to have a knack for it. good luck!
peace and love ♥

Answer 4

it sounds more like poetry to me...but i like it its a start btw im 13 yrs old also so i kno how hard it is 2 write a song ive tried b4=)

Answer 5

I very much like it. It's honest. Don't beat yourself down for being 13! Keep writing it's very good for ya!

Answer 6

you have a gift.

i'd also like to say that even though i don't know what it's like to grow up that way, i could picture this and i felt like i could really understand. you really should keep going.

now, in my teenage words (coming from a 14 year old) :

that is kick *** ;]]

Answer 7

Okay, its pretty good.
It wouldn't fit very well into a song because of it's short length and lack of verse/chorus.

Answer 8

It's totally awsome and i can't beleive you're only 13 and writing that kinda music!

Answer 9

its not bad im 13 2. its really deep. i think u did great

Answer 10

It's soo deep and beautiful..I love it so much your very talented...good luck when you finish the song :-)