I waited for you all these years,
But all I ever found were tears.
And though my heart for you did yearn,
Never your love, could anything earn.
2007-07-16 16:37:39 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
The last line is definitely screwed up, and i'm still looking at ways to fix it.
2007-07-16 17:04:44 · update #1
The third line sounds contrived and does not flow with normal speech, the same is true for the last line. The first two lines, although much more natural, show the problems associated with couplets (pairs of rhymed lines).
"And though my heart for you did..." it doesn't matter what word follows, the flow of the line is false and archaic. You need to find a way to say this line so that it sounds more natural. To do this "and" rhyme takes skill and practice. However, even an accomplished poet seldom tries to use paired couplets because it comes off as too "rhymy". There are other ways to rhyme that sound much more natural. Read this poem out loud, or have someone read it to you and you'll hear what I mean.
Good poetry doesn't sound like it's forced...it just flows. Keep trying.
2007-07-16 16:43:58 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the first two lines , third two possibly, but I would try to do something with the last line.
2007-07-16 23:58:21 · answer #2 · answered by Art Vandelay 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it short and right to the point!
2007-07-16 23:50:40 · answer #3 · answered by ?¿Whatcha Doin'?¿ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nice and powerful. Short and to the point. I like it and totally understand how you feel.
Keep your head up...
2007-07-16 23:50:15 · answer #4 · answered by Aryah's Mommy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it. It seems so short and to the point. Its really good.
2007-07-16 23:59:19 · answer #5 · answered by xXx*dixie*xXx 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sad
2007-07-17 01:14:54 · answer #6 · answered by Friend 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋