iS MY POEM OKAY????

Question

I had to write an ode to something; I chose the season, summer. I actually wrote two. Tell me which one is better and how I can improve on it. I like the second one best. =] ....I'm 14, btw and I have really bad writer's block.lol.

Here's the 1st:

Ode to summer,
You’re my favorite time of the year.~
Except when the humidity
Is too much to bear.~

When you’re around,
It’s warm enough to swim
And lay on the beach~
And bright green leaves
Cover each tree.~

I love you, summer,
When I don’t have to think twice~
About buying ice cream or water ice.~

When your time comes,
People can switch to flip-flops and shorts~
And go outside
To play their favorite sport~

I love you, summer,
Where I can show off my toes~
But one thing I hate
Is the bees and mosquitoes~

Summer, you are fun,
Amusement parks with thrill rides~
And there’s always time to go for a bike ride.~

Summer, you go too fast
August then September,~
Then, right back to the frigid winter.~

Here's the 2nd:

Ode to Summer:

Ode to summer,
You’re my favorite time of the year
Except when the humidity is too much to bear.

When you are around,
Everything is colorful and bright
And the sun shines, even during the night.

When you come around,
I don’t have to think twice
About buying ice cream or water ice.

When you are around
I can show off my toes,
However, one thing I hate is the annoying mosquitoes.

When you come around,
It’s fun to get in the pool
And not have to worry about going to school.

When you are around,
Green leaves cover each tree
Waiting to be landed on by the bees.

When you come around,
You leave too fast.
Then, it’s back to winter, with you in the past.

Answer 1

Yes, I also like the 2nd one better. How about this line: "Except when the humidity drowns my cheer"
Rhymes a little better with year.

Answer 2

I liked your poems. I liked the second one best. May I make one small criticism? Too many uses of little words example-
Ode to summer, my favourite time of year, except when humidity- too much to bear.
lay on the beach,bright green leaves covering each tree.
love you summer, don't think twice, about buying ice cream or watery ice.I love you summer,I can show off my toes, one thing I hate-bees and mosquitoes. Use of and in next verse. But altogether very nice work.

Answer 3

Okay...well, having commented on your first ode to Summer, here's a follow-up:

Your ode does not conform to the "ode form". Rewrite it so it follows these simple rules:

1. every stanza must contain the same number of lines

2. Each line in every stanza needs to rhyme with at least one other line in that stanza.

3. Each stanza should have the same rhyming pattern (abab, cdcd, or aabb, ccdd, or abba, cddc, etc.).

4. Each line of the stanza should have the same beats as the same line in the other stanzas. If you use 5 beats in line one of stanza one, then you need to use 5 beats in line one of stanza two.

5. Each style (iambic, trochee, dactyl, etc.) should be consistent with the other lines. Don't begin line one with iambic in stanza one then trochee in line one of stanza two.

Remember, an ode should reflect love of your subject, but it doesn't have to contain the word "love". Play with this a little and I think you will have an ode to be proud of.

keep writing

Answer 4

I really really like it!
It's really true! I love it!