How does one communicate to their spouse, they feel unappreciated, without eliciting a defensive response?

Answer 1

This is an open ended question and might lead to opening a can of worms.

I would just stop doing what you are doing and wait till she realize it, then bring it up.

Answer 2

The only effective and least repulsive way to communicate that one is dissatisfied with the quality or quantity of attention he or she is getting from a spouse is to tell the spouse, verbally at an appropriate time. When a defensive response is anticipated and comes out, you could then, explain that you only want to express your true feelings about the way you are experiencing some of the things your spouse does to make you feel as you do and to HELP your relationship. Choose a time when your spouse is not stressed and in a positive frame of mind, emotionally to have such a discussion. Finally, make a written list of examples to have on hand before you begin the discussion. With the list you can avoid a response of denial, outright refusal to listen or an angry outburst that could cause you to forget what you had to share.

Answer 3

If you feel that you cannot talk to him in person, then sit down and jot him a nice long letter, telling him how you feel unappreciated and the different ways that you feel unappreciated. When he reads it and should his response be defensive, you cannot be defensive with him, use a mild tone of voice, even if it kills you speak softly and kindly to him, even though he may be shouting from the rooftops, the kinder and softer the voice the more you will get from him. Good Luck.

Answer 4

In order for your spouse to know how you feel you have to talk to each other. Otherwise, they think everything is all right. Begin by talking about marriage and what some people expect out of the situation, talk about it without being emotional or demanding, or mean. And if he/she gets upset, back off for a while do not act as though you know it all. That is, unless you want to end the relationship, then go at it full steam ahead.

Answer 5

Do not beat around the bush. Let them know by stating clearly what it is they're doing/saying that makes you feel unappreciated. Communication starts with you.

Everyone needs the following from each other in terms of interpersonal relationships:

1. Respect
2. Acknowledgement/Appreciation (for the fact they're alive, their efforts)
3. Consideration (of one's past, present, and even future)

Answer 6

Sit down with your spouse during a time when there aren't strong emotions flying around. Ask if this is a good time to talk. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements.

A good formula is "I feel ___ when you ___ because ___." Example: "I feel unappreciated when you don't put your clothes in the hamper because it takes me extra time to gather them up to do laundry."

If you handle it this way, the chances of him being defensive will go down. If you need help, get with a pastor or counselor to be a mediary while you're talking.

Answer 7

By placing no blame on them. Speak only about how it makes you feel when they do certain things and ask how the two of you can communicate better to improve those situations. One can't be defensive if they aren't being blamed. Check out some of Dr. Laura's books about marriage. You may find that there are things you should be doing to allow him to appreciate you more without even asking.

Answer 8

Well in this case a little history is needed. Has it always been this way? Are you sure the problem is not in you needing to be "over" appreciated? Did something happen to make the situation or did it just occur over time?
If most of the above stuff is ok, I'd recommend you write your spouse a sweet letter telling all the things you appreciate about him/her. Then ask for one in return. If your partner refuses.....call the therapist. If they refuse to go....go alone...
This is either a relationship that just needs a refreshing wake-up call or one that is in trouble.

Answer 9

i just dealt with this yesterday. i wrote a letter explaining how i felt without pointing fingers or bringing up the past. i was straight to the point, said what i meant, and i got the best response i could have. he had no idea i felt the way i had already noticed by yesterday evening that he was making a damn good attempt to make me feel appreciated. he took out the trash, gave the baby a bath, cuddled with me while i watched tv. funny thing about it is that he was kind of feeling the same way, so you never know, your spouse may be feeling the same way.

Answer 10

It is almost impossible to tell someone their faults
without causing a defensive response.
You have it in your power to turn things around without hurting your spouses feelings.