Husband's job choice? So confused and upset!?

Question

My husband decided to change jobs so he will be able to be home during the week. So we're looking to buy a house closer to place of new business, and I am quitting my job (other quest. posted). He just called and said present employer offered him a raise and possible bonuses; (he is in construction, a superintendent). New job will give him a vehicle to drive to and from work and same wage with raise and bonuses regularly. He wants to stay with present job, but wants me to decide. I am very hurt. I thought the whole thing was so we could finally be together more instead of just weekends! I'm thinking of just telling him it's his choice, see what he does, and then decide how I am going to handle it; separation, divorce...I don't know. Am so confused. Any advice? And yes, I've discussed this all with him before, so he does know how I feel. I won't make the decision, because if I say you better take the new job or else, and it doesn't work out, he will blame me.

No, he will make more at the new job and no, he has already decided to stay with the present job with no vehicle. He just wants me to do like you say I guess, stand behind him.

No, I do believe in marriage and committment. We've been married 20 years. He always makes the decisions, even after we discuss issues together and I always go along with him. This is one time, however I don't feel like he wants to even listen to me.

You know what? There is more to this story and I've always prided myself in having this good of a marriage and this long. I guess it bothers me I sit home alone every night and when he goes out with the guys, I feel hurt he can't ever take me out, etc. But mostly you're right. He has to be the one happy with his job. Thanks for the input!

I do have a job,or did. Just posted that quest on careers before he called. We can still move, but he won't be home any more than before. Guess I am feeling sorry for myself, cause he said he was getting a new job so he could be home more, but it boiled down to money, not marriage. Feel like telling you all to jump in a lake, but know you are being honest and I need to step back and think.

Answer 1

It sounds like some people on here are giving you a tough time. Don't listen to people that you think are immature, you know that any fool can answer questions on here. (as if they have good life experience...hahahahaha)
Anyway!
Your husband is probably thinking that the devil he knows is better than the one he doesn't. With the raise and car, the two of you will be more comfortable, and a new job is a complete mystery; it could go badly. They probably gave him a speech about how wonderful and needed he is, and boosted his feelings about how good his job is. I'm sure that you can picture the scenario. If he's a terrific superintendent, they don't want to lose him. Money talks, and it's everybody's weak spot.
You've been married a long time, and you should feel comfortable asking him questions, especially straight out ones like...How will we be together more often if you stay?
A discussion of the monetary benefits and the issue of how much time you spend together, weighing the pros and cons of staying or leaving after this new raise, should help clear both your minds on what to do.
Just talk about it...that's all you need to do. Circumstances changed, but a gentle reminder of the original goals isn't out of order here.
Have him ask for more vacation time! Maybe two more weeks a year instead of the car? That's two more weeks of vacation that the two of you can run off to some secluded island. Possibility there?

Answer 2

Dawn---it isn't a matter of seeing each other more by taking a new job--that divorce or separation will come sooner if you are on each others back everyday---that gets old real quick. Why the hurt routine--hurt??? Sounds awful---you need to be an adult and communicate all the info and make a rational, adult decision---both of you should make the decision--you are a MARRIED TEAM--so stop the hurt act---and do this as mature adults. What do you do all day???Not that a housekeeper isn't hard work, but why not a job for you to defray all these house costs or to fund a vacation for you two. A job would give you more to do than wait to spend all this time with your husband. The largest majority of people have a 9 to 5 job--5 or 6 days a week--that's life and they are surviving just fine. Tell him that the future is what he needs to consider. I see people everyday--sick, injured--killed---it instantly changes a family life---It isn't always an easy thing--I mean he and you need to weigh all the options and make a choice. If a company goes out of business--then what---life has no guarantees--it certainly has more to do with good choices--rather than what you have described. I can't believe the easy way you would just walk out on him---and I can't believe he is lacking in the self confidense to make a decision--or that he would blame anyone for what ever happens--the whole thing is just way off base.

Answer 3

You just have to understand that men get a LOT of their identity from their jobs. Very few men would actually change jobs just to be home more with their wives. If he EVEN considers doing that, that's a plus! If he doesn't follow through with it, I would read too much into it. Here's the deal:

When he accepted the new job, he WAS fed up with the old job. He DID intend to take that new job. He DID want to spend more time with you. He DID see this as a new start. But ...

Then his current job came calling, offering him more money, begging him to stay, etc. He's flattered! Not only that, he started thinking ... isn't it better to STAY at a job you know, making basically the same money, than it is to leave, giving up time in service, relationships you've forged, seniority, etc.? Whether you like it or not, those ARE real considerations! Are you telling me that you would advise someone to leave under similar circumstances? He's established at this job. He's WANTED at this job. He does have his seniority, etc. Just think about it.

I know many women don't like to hear this, but women are more emotional than men. You're looking for an insult here; you're feeling hurt over nothing. He tried to do the right thing and his present company blindsided him with a counter offer. Can't you just be happy that he's doing the same job for more money? Can't you and he commit to trying to find more quality time together? A career is an important part of a relationship and it sounds as if he is well on his way to establishing himself. Be thankful for that! And find other creative ways to work on the relationship, trying to maximize the time you have together.

Answer 4

A counter-offer from the present employer to the employee who was going to quit rarely works out in the employee's favor over the long haul.

My dh has been a corporate recruiter for a very long time. He's given job offers to people to have those people talk to their present employer to give notice...then the present employer offers a tastier package to them (raise, more benefits, whatever) and almost every time the employee takes the present employer's offer, it comes back to bite them.

What happens in the employer's mind is that the employee's loyalty is always in question from that point on and they're keeping an eye out for a new employee with loyalty and will end up replacing the first employee with the new one as soon as an opportunity presents itself.

Tell him it's not a good idea to take the offer by the present employer.

Also, tell him how you feel about this turn around. Tell him that you're hurt & confused and why.

Answer 5

In this situation, I don't think it is fair to blame him no matter which choice he wants to make, because it sounds to me like he wants to do the best thing for both of you and make you happy because he asked you to make the choice. Therefore, if you really want him to take the new job so you can see him more during the week, then I would tell him that. He should not blame you if he takes the new job and it doesn't work out because you don't have a crystal ball and therefore have no way of knowing what the future holds. Tell him you want him to take the new job so you two can be together more and you hope that he is happy in his new job. If his new job doesn't work out, you will be there for him to support him and help him find a new one. He may even be able to fall back on his old one, if it comes to that. Good luck.

Answer 6

Here we are again with two people who don't seem to have the basic open, honest communication skills to be married. Job changes and relocations are for family discussions. You discuss the pros and cons of each job and make a decision together as how to proceed and follow the plan. You lay out all the issues on the table together. He can't make you decide and he can't make the decision by himself if the repercussions have possible divorce issues. Work harder to work together or every change in your life sounds like grounds for divorce to you. Wrong attitude.

Answer 7

tell him what you would like him to do tell him you would like him home more and this new job would be wonderful for the both of you but leave the final decision to him afterall it is his job and maybe he really loves his current job.. you should support him in his decision whatever it is because he is your husband and you love him.. seperation or divorce shouldnt even be in your mind when it comes to a situation like this and if it is.. maybe you should get marriage counceling because there maybe a bigger problem here that you just dont realize..

Answer 8

Do you want to be with him? Because I don't understand what the problem is...

You guys (if you want to work it out) need to MAKE time for each other, and you need to take responsibility for how you feel. There seems to be more to this story than what's on here.
As I've had to do with my husband, say, "I'll do what we need to do. I don't want to move, but I don't want to hold you back. The decision is ultimately yours."

Perhaps you guys needs counseling - because I know there's gotta be more to this story than changing jobs.

Answer 9

this is your time to speak up or forever hold your peace..I don't see things your way...but then I am a guy...it sounds reasonable to work one butt off during the week and have fun on the week-end....they making it more comfortable for him to do so is worth thinking twice about, considering a new job always has its own draw backs...and who knows if its going to bring anything better.

Answer 10

Honestly i think it is VERY selfish of you to start considering separation and divorcej ust becase of something like that. you dont seem to know the true value and sacridity of marriage if something such as this is making you consider marriage. you are supposed to be behind your husband and be there to support him. this is actually something to be PROUD of! Because i'm sure he's not just enjoying all of this for himself. i'm sure he's doing it for YOu and if you have kids for your KIDS.. as a man its his job to provide for his family, sometimes they think that means working more.
wow, he even asked YOU to decide, and you still have the nerve to be mad at him?!?! you need to look at yourself and how you are handling this situation because i have never heard someone soo selfish! if it bothers you that he's not going to be spending so much time with you, maybe you should be a mature adult and sit down to talk to him about the options (pros and cons)...TOGETHER, not one person making the deciions for the other or one for himself.. seems like you are only thinking of yourself while he's actually thinking of the both of you...