Ex-boyfriend dating so soon after break-up (5 months)?

Question

I just got out of a long-term (11 years) relationship. I am having a really tough time getting through this. I haven't had an easy past by any stretch of the imagination, however I am finding this to be one of the hardest things I have ever been through. Our relationship has been a very complicated thing (Including, death of hes brother, and my 5 or 6 year long struggle through addiction) I am sober now and I figured in doing so our relationship would get better, yet in reality it got worse. He became completely unwilling to getting any help for himself ( and his co-dependency with me) until we broke-up.

Well, it's been about 5 months, and I am still having one hell of a time getting past this. I realize it will probably will continue to be quite rough, seeing that there was co-dependency issues, and so many years together. However, he has already started dating. Which flabbergasts me. which I can't conceive of at this point! How can he move on so quickly?

Answer 1

Because men move on differently than women. The saying goes "the best way to get over someone old is by getting someone new" That saying was probably - most likely - created by a man. They think and operate differently. He's not sitting back pondering "what went wrong" as you are. And if he's not getting help for his addiction, that makes it easier to not think about you. I've often heard that when two people are addicted together, or one is and the other is co-dependent, that when the addicted person gets clean, he/she leaves the co-dependent because the only thing really holding them together is the addiction. Once it's gone, there is nothing left. I thank God that you got yourself clean. And I can only imagine how hard this is for you, but trust me, his leaving and moving on is a good thing. You have gotten what not everyone gets in this life, a second chance. Make the best of it. It's only been 5 months, give it time. Continue to get yourself strong, go to your meetings, or whatever you do to keep your sobriety. When you are free and clear (at least a year) then things will look better. Don't let this get the best of you. God Bless you and good luck.

Answer 2

Why should he still be in misery just because you are? It's been 5 months and you think that he should hold off on trying to have a life because you choose that? I am not being mean, however, it seems that you have your own issues to deal with, right? It is always different for how others deal with things. He could be broken up about things, but if your relationship was hard over the years, then he might be a bit glad that things aren't so bad now. You said that things got worse any way after you got sober. Well, use this time to open your social network, and hell, go out on a date yourself. Just as long as you sit there feeling sorry for yourself, you are going to get nowhere.

Answer 3

Many of the problems you may be facing could be just the tip of the iceberg on what is really happening in your marriage. I dont mean to scare you but many problems when they either first show up or if they keep reoccurring could be just whats showing from a larger problem that either you or your spouse cannot even see. One of the only things you can do to help is to talk honestly and openly with each other in the marriage. If things become more serious more serious options need to be looked at as possibilities. I have a blog that has more information on some of what I've been writing about. If you feel like checking it out I would completly suggest it. Read here https://tr.im/Jotgr

Love is a choice that is made everyday when you wake up and every night when you go to sleep. Some days you may not feel the original feeling but love isnt a feeling or an emotion. Its an action a verb. Falling out of love may just mean you need to spice things up a little or that you were never in love in the first place. Don't just get out of a marriage just because you don't think you like the person anymore.

Answer 4

My ex-husband and I separated to give eachother time to think. I thought it strange and found out he was out with a new girl the day I left. Come to find out, he had been having an affair at work all along unbeknownst to me.

Five months may seem like a short time, but at least he waited a bit. You need to take your time and sort through your feelings right now. Since he is no longer an option, you need to come to terms with that and move on for your own well-being.

Go out with friends, join a club, there are lots of things to do. It will be hard at first, but you can't sit and wallow in self-pity. You deserve someone that will love you and care for you. But before you can do that, you have to learn to love yourself again. Now go call a girlfriend and go have dinner tonight, relax, and for goodness sake, enjoy yourself.

Best wishes!

PS I met a wonderful man and am now blissfully, happily married, so there is life after a break up. Trust me.

Answer 5

When I divorced my first husband, we had been married 7 years and together 3 years before that, I was remarried within 5 months. So just getting out and dating is a natural first step when a relationship has ended. It will probably be good for you also.

Answer 6

Addiction is a strange thing. I dont know how to view it. A disease, willing self destructive behavior, "weakness". I have yet to really come to terms but I do know to the person dealing directly with addiction your point of view is very clouded. Chances are he is looking to feel better ASAP. And hes more than likely hurting from your split. DO NOT ASK HIM BACK!!! Give him time. He will come around. You cant make anyone stop this behavior. Thay have to do it for themselves.

Answer 7

I'm sorry for you because there is no quick fix for how lousy you probably feel right now. As for him, try not to think about what he is doing - it will only make you feel worse.

You are right that it is way too soon for him to date anyone seriously - at least with any chance of it lasting - but who knows what the nature of their relationship is anyway?

Focus on your own life and making it through this lousy time - it will get better and you will wonder less and less what he is doing - I promise.

Answer 8

everyone heals at different times. everyone recovers differently. this is why some relationships are called rebounds. some people have a tendacy to imerse themselves in another relationship to recover from their own pain. others wallow in their pain until they are able to stand on their own. neither method is bad. it's what each indiviual person needs. i was over my ex a year before the relationship actually ended. i started dating weeks after i dumped him. been in a few relationships. and now married with an additional baby. never once regretted it. he on the other hand is still vengeful and vindictive and still single. it's been 4 years.

Answer 9

Why do you care again?

Oh wait you don't. Or at least you shouldn't.

He is your past. A large portion of your past, but it is your past. Not your present, not your future.

Move on, move out, move to another part of the world.

What he does and why he does it is of no concern to you. NONE.

BTW, he moved on so quickly because he is a co-dependent personality and he finally realized he could no longer depend on you. So he found someone else to heap upon his misery. Be happy for him, go see your therapist and MOVE ON.

Answer 10

He was not as invested in the relationship ans you so it was not as hard to get over it. You need to stay sober though. I think an exercise program is the best way to keep positive. Who know you might meet some else at the gym.

Good luck!