Would I be out of line in calling his ex wife to meet?

Question

If I am in a serious relationship with a divorced man who has children ages 3 and 5, is it wrong to want to meet his ex wife? I have no problems with her. I do not feel threatened by her nor do I want her to feel threatened by me. Their problems of the past can be between her and my bf and do not want it to affect her and me. Though it will be awkard, I'd like to lay some things out about her expectations and where I am able to stand with the children. I want her to know I am not trying to take her place and will respect her wishes as to what she and their father want for the children. Is this inappropriate or how should I approach this with her? I want as little drama as possible, because she is and always will be their mother, regardless. I don't know if she'll be offended by this or what else I should inlcude in talking with her. Also, should we include the man in here? What do you all think about this?

No we're not married, but I want this smoothed out before a marriage. I don't want animosity between us if I can allow it to be that way. They were divorced before we met, and I'm not asking her to be my new best friend, I just think for the interests of her children, we get along.

Answer 1

I think it sounds like a very mature and open minded way to ease what could be an uncomfortable relationship. Good for you for being such a good person! I would advise that you go ahead and offer to meet with her. If she declines, then at least you made an attempt to try and smooth things over. It is really too bad that more women are not able to be so thoughtful and considerate of each others feelings.

Answer 2

I think that is a great idea. In the beginning of my husband and I relationship it was a little rocky with the ex. But we have made a "relationship" were we can talk about the children and any other problems. She is not like my best friend but it’s exactly the relationship you are trying to get with your mans ex. I think it is a great thing to do, excspecialy for the children to be no tension. I think when you talk to her you bring the point that you want to have this meeting so you can set your position straight so there can be a well balanced relationship between all of you.

Answer 3

This sounds like a good idea. You are gonna have to deal with this woman throughout your life so you should try to get things started on a good note. I thinkyou should call her and see if she would be interested in meeting and then set it up. You just saywhat you said here but do not mention about the problems the couple had in the past. You will have to deal with kids so that would be a good place to start. Do not tell her what you will do as far as they are concerned, suggest or ask her for tips on how to deal with the kids. Keep the man out of this it is after all between the two of you. Be prepared to cut it short if she proves to be angry or resentful and do not start a fight, just leave on as friendly a basis as possible. This sounds like a very mature and wise thing to do I hope that she will feel the same way. Good Luck

Answer 4

I really agree with you wanting to do this because in so many of these cases where the mom and step mom don't meet I think that the mom feels a little more threatened just because it's like the stepmom hasn't tried to clarify anything with her. So I think that this is a very great step to take. It should help her feel less nervous and less awkward about it all if you two were to meet up and sit down and have a chat with it. If you would feel more comfortable to have your bf there then I think that it is more your choice but it might be uncomfortable for her. So I would just call her up and ask her how she feels about meeting up to chat. Good luck :-)

Answer 5

If you decide to do this keep it light. Also emphasize you want to support the current parenting style the children are accustomed to. Encourage her to call you with relevant child issues when you are going to be one of the adults caring for the children. Don't bring up too many issues at any one time, because they might be emotionally laden topics. Do not try to "reassure" her you aren't taking her place. Because, in a small way you are, not her personally, but the role of Mother/Caretaker. At 3 & 5 these little ones will become attatched to you very quickly, and that in itself can spark emotional reactions, even in people who are rock solid.
Good luck. Keep the door to communication open, and be patient. This is not something you can rush.

Answer 6

I think it's a good idea. I wish I had taken the time right after being with my youngest's dad to get to know his ex instead I just got stuck in the middle of them. But now that we've gotten to know each other we're good friends and get along great, call each other and keep the children in touch with each other even though neither of us are with the father any longer. (Plus, I'd have probably learned alot of stuff that would have kept me from getting my heart broke! LOL) Next time she calls or drops the kids off ask if you two can talk! Good Luck!!!!!

Answer 7

I think if you be respectful and lay it out just about the same way you just did, it should work fine. But only if it seems you are in it for the long haul. If you and he have only been together for a very short time, then i think you are jumping the gun a bit, and she probably will too. It is nice to think you want to have a "grown up" relationship though.
Maybe you could write her a little note and let her decide what is best, then she won't feel like she is being cornered into anything she is not comfortable with.
All of you together sounds like the best idea, then there can be no he said she said.
Good Luck

Answer 8

As of right now, you do not have any rights concerning the kids or any expectations. Get a ring on your finger and then you have some rights. I applaud you for trying to do this ahead of time but you are not going to do anything but stir up animosity and you might even make things worse between the two of them. That would not be a good thing considering they have kids together and you are just dating. Everything has a time and place, this ain't it!

Answer 9

I think it's great for you to think this way...But I also think you should talk this over with your boyfriend and see what he thinks about it....IF you two are serious about being together in the future, his kids are a reality you will have to deal with...so is his ex-wife.

Another way to approach it could be emailing her, saying what you did here directly to her. If she answers, then perhaps you could meet. But I guess writing things down is a better way to do this kind of thing, because you can take your time to make sure what you send is exactly what you want to express.... reading things makes it easier on people to digest things...(A phone call would be too weird, IMO.)
Good luck!

Answer 10

It's not inappropriate but I would definitely ask your boyfriend's opinion on this one. He may get offended if you take it upon yourself to contact her without discussing it with him first. He knows her temper and attitude better than you. And remember...if tempers get heated you don't want to be known by the children as "the mean woman who fought with mommy"...Ever.
In my situation, my fiance brought me to meet her. We never had a "serious" discussion thought. Simply because I let him handle all of that unless it directly affects me or my child. I care for his children immensely and love them like I love mine...but I have to know that I'm not their mother so any decisions made for them I let the parents handle (unless my opinion is asked for...which is usually the case).
Just remember that ex-wives can be catty with new girlfriends, especially when children are involved. Also, take into account how long you two have been in the relationship. If it's been a short time, you may want to wait a while. If she feels that it's not as serious as it is, she may be less likely to respond.