Fear of being alone?

Question

I am starting to wonder if my fear of being alone is trapping me in an unhealthy relationship. I know the relationship is bad for both of us. But I keep teeling myself, and she seems to tell herself, we can fix it because we love each other. But I just keep feeling pain, and that I am causing pain. I wonder if its because I am so afraid of being alone.

Answer 1

Oh honey, my heart aches for you because I've been there. I spent 5 years in a loveless relationship, living basically like roommates rather than a happy couple, because I was so scared to be alone. Moving out, leaving my old life behind, and finding that I could live on my own was probably the most difficult thing I've EVER done...and one of the most rewarding. Many times I've looked back at my life, and wished I could send a letter to the 18 year old version of myself who got trapped in that relationship and say "Run! Run away and find your own two feet!" but I know I never would have listened.

Plus, without those 5 years I would not truly appreciate what I have now, and how far I've come. I am the product of what I've experienced. I am stronger for all of my heartaches...but that doesn't make them any easier.

So, my yearning is to reach across the computer screen and take your hand and help you up so you can move on. If you are genuinely not happy, and you feel trapped, and you have been feeling this way for a long time, you really need to evaluate "Do I have a future with this person?". If the answer is no, you need to move on.

Being alone is scary...but after living alone for a little while, I discovered an independance I never knew I had. Now I'm in a relationship again...but I know without a doubt, if something went wrong, I can survive on my own. That is important knowledge to have.

Move on, dear. It will be a rough road, but it is worth it.
~Hugs~
Kat

Answer 2

Great start! It's always good to think about why we do what we do.

Have you thought about WHY you may be afraid of being alone? One thing you might want to consider is consulting a counselor or therapist to help you explore this issue. It's never a bad idea to have an objective, trained person to bounce some things off of, or to introduce points of view you might not have previously considered.

Also, consider this: even with someone, you say you're in pain. How can spending some time by yourself and exploring this issue be any worse than how you feel now? Breaking up with this person might actually make you feel better.

Being alone can be scary, but it can also be SO empowering.

Answer 3

Speaking from personal experience, I was in a terrible relationship for two years. Don't get me wrong; the beginning was nice, but the last year and a half weren't. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, and very very controlling. I kept going with the relationship because I was constantly thinking no one would ever love me like he does and I didn't want to go back to "playing the field." In the end, I kicked him out (now have a restraining order), and I've never been happier. I went through a couple of not-so-hot relationships, but now I'm with someone I truly love and couldn't be happier. I don't think I would've had such high standards if I hadn't gone through the terrible two-year first & realized exactly what I wanted and what I wouldn't put up with.
Ultimately, it's up to you. You may want to try and work things out with some kind of a deadline, almost like an "all or nothing" ultimatum. But it's your choice. Choose wisely and make sure you're doing what's best for YOU and no one else.
Best of luck!

Answer 4

Hey since you tried to answer my question I'll try and answer yours. Fear of being alone should not out weigh your happiness. I'm not saying that you should be blissfully happy every day, but in general. I am by myself now and I'm still miserable, but I was more so when I was with my ex. Cause I couldn't trust them because they were untrustworthy that is not my fault. Now they want to be in monogamous relationships but how can you want something that you are unable to maintain? I was in a relationship which was unhealthy because they wanted someone in their life, anyone, not just me, but anyone, to fill their empty time, and when I had empty time, that time was just that, empty. But I'd rather be alone than to deal with the distrust and wonder of what they are doing when they are not around me. I am trying to understand that my love for someone is honorable, and not foolish. I am trying to understand that I should be glad I can love. Unfortunately, it was mislaid, and now I don't know what to do, but this much I do know being alone is not as bad as being with someone and still being alone. I hope you can understand what I mean.

Answer 5

u cant live in fear of being alone and loosing the person u love. Whether they stay with you or leave you, your still a person within your own right and your world will still be fine and carry on with or without them. Your self-destructing the relationship due to ur fear, maybe try talking to your partner about how you feel, or maybe she just isnt the right person for you, but if matters dont resolve themselves soon and effort isnt coming from both sides then for both your sakes you need to break up and find yourself, deal with your insecurities and then try again with someone else!best of luck!!!xxxxxxxxxx

Answer 6

That fear probably keeps alot of couples together that shouldn't be together. I was in one for the same reasons for 3 years longer than i should have been. But once i made the plunge and got out on my own again, i felt great, i found "myself" again. I know it's scary, but the fear will fade and you will never regret your decision. Good luck to you, be strong, you will be fine.

Answer 7

I've discussed this with my wife and her daughter. We find that women would rather be in a bad relationship than to be alone, and men would rather be alone than to be in a bad relationship.

Interesting that there would be such a big difference between the sexes.