If my husband doesn't want to be in his "other" childs life should I?

Question

My now husband cheated and now has an outside child. He hasn't seen the child and says he doesn't want to ever. I at least want to see the child (being that she's MY son's sister). I wouldn't have even known of the child if the other woman didn't contact me "after" the child turned 3yrs old!! She's being stubborn because he is, but I'm sure she wouldn't turn down my son if I just showed up. Should "I" go out of my way to be in the child's life when her mother knew of me the ENTIRE TIME she was sleeping with my husband?....And my husband ONLY wants to pay child support? What's up with that? I'm trying to bring some sanity to this horrible situation, but is it even worth trying?!? Why should I be "The Good Guy"?

Answer 1

First and foremost, I would want A DNA TEST!!!!!!!! It makes absolutely NO sense that she waited 3 years....maybe the real father just decided he didn't want to pay any more child support and she's looking for more.

If he doesn't want to see the child, will your having contact with this woman make things better or worse for her child? It's a tough call, and I think you're wonderful for wanting to help the child, but at the same time this woman KNEW she was doing a married man and so she was screwing you over while she was screwing him. She didn't give one crap about you or YOUR child. So in regard to that, I could see you having her drop the child off at your house for play dates/visits, but I would NOT have anything to do with her.

And...if you do that, then he HAS to see the child. How will it make the child feel to know he's in his father's house and his father has locked himself in the bedroom, because he doesn't want anything to do with him....it would just cause greater pain for the child.

Honey, I'd get some professional advice on this one. It's not your job to make everything okay and be the 'good guy'.....and I hope that you have MADE HIM ACCOUNTABLE with you for cheating on your marriage.

God bless you, hon.

Answer 2

I'm sorry but your husband is a sorry excuse for a man and a father. He cheated, got another woman pregnant and now wants nothing to do with the child?!?!? What did the child to to him? She didn't ask to be born! I applaud you for at least considering to be in the child's life. Your husband needs to step up to the plate and be a real father. I honestly don't know why you are still with your hubby. The love might be there, but knowing that he turned his back on his own flesh and blood would make the love fade quick-like. I could never love a man that doesn't take care of the kids he laid down to make. This little girl deserves a father. Try to make your husband see the light. Eventually your son and his daughter will get older and both kids may turn their backs on him when they find out what happened when they were smaller.

Answer 3

Someone has to be the good guy. Children don't ask to be born.

Your husband doesn't want to see the child because he's afraid that if the child is in your lives, it would constantly remind you of his infidelity and therefore cause you problems in your marriage. And that's a chance he will have to take.

It's bad enough he was an unfaithful husband, now he's a deadbeat dad!!!!

You don't have to have a personal relationship with the "other woman", just a respectable one. Your are right when you say this is your son's sister. They should get to know one another.

I had a similar situation, My ex-husband could not deal with the child, but I dealt with the child as long as I could. The problem was, the mother still wanted my husband (and I think he still wanted her), so she wasn't too receptive of "me" trying to bring the children together. I would have their son at my home to interact with my children. The children got along great, but it fizzled out because of my ex's lack of participation. And the mother stopped participating in the vlsits as well. Too Bad for the kids, because they really liked each other.

Your a good woman for trying. Most women could not deal with a situation like that.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 4

Since you have already forgiven him for his infidelity, I would suggest that you tell him how important family is to you and that your feeling for him and your family are strong and will not change. I wouldn't push the situation, you don't know what the relationship with this other woman was like. Maybe she is bitter with your husband, maybe he is afraid to bring her around you and possibly loose you. The reason for there behavior are limitless. Since he has already cheated, I would keep my eyes open. Work on your communication with your husband. Play this very carefully. Well this is certainly tough to say, but your husbands lack of interest in his other child should tell you something about him.

You should walk this line very carefully.

But please take note of his attitude. I think it is unacceptable!

I think there are some issues here, that are greater than this other child.

Maybe some marriage counsling would be a good idea. Many concerns and issues come out that you wouldn't have even thought of.

I wish you much success

Answer 5

The question is why are you still with a man who cheated on you, got another woman pregnant, and then bailed on his responsibilities? He's a loser who doesn't deserve you, her or to be a father to your child let alone this one. I would stay far away from the whole situation. Do not try to force the man to see the child - that is what you'd be doing if you went and saw the child on your own. That's a big mistake. The whole scene is just bad. But it's your husband's mess, he has to clean it up. Good luck.

Answer 6

It appears as if you are the one adult who is acting with compassion and selflessness - good for you if what you are writing is true.

Your husband has a moral obligation to this child and I guess it is up to you to help him see that. Remind him of the terrible example he is setting for your son. He probably is frustrated and embarrassed, and the other woman may well be someone with whom he does not want to associate. But none of those reasons excuse his current choices.

I would be questioning my entire relationship with this guy, but that was not your question. The answer to your question is to convince your husband to be a man and do the right thing before you go behind his back and arrange this meeting.

Good luck

Answer 7

Why in the world do you want trouble? If your hubby doesn't want anything to do with the child, other than monetarily, let it lie. All you will do is cause trouble by bringing up a situation that he probably hates he ever got into, and you can't force your hubby to do more than monetarily. He may know something about this woman that he doesn't want you/son exposed to. Why get your son all in an uproar when he understands what's going on, either now or later? Why would you ever want to bother with a woman that was with your hubby? Sounds like you are bored and need drama going on... Find some charitable group to get into to fulfill your time.

Answer 8

I feel your pain, I too live in a messy child/parent, grandparent drama. My husband has a 16 yr old daughter we pay for but are not involved and have never seen. He was never interested or wanted to be involved until just recently, after a paternity test established his parentage, and we had grandchildren whom he adores.(my children previous marriage). My experience has been to just stay out of it and let them battle it out. Every time I tried to smooth stuff over it bit me in the a$$. I think we should be involved, he doesn't want to interfere, his step mom and father are involved, but denied him and abandoned him, the mother doesn't want him involved unless she is involved, the daughter isn't intrested in getting to know him, because she has only heard negative things about him her whole life. All we can do is leave the door open for her. Good luck to you and your dilemma

Answer 9

Well, sounds to me like you don't want to open a can of worms, you have to think long and hard before you jump into this, it could ruin alot of relationships including your own, I would stand by my hubbys wish's although it's wrong and you may not agree going behind his back and seeing the child would only cause him to be upset at you, he must have reasons behind this, and at least he's paying child support, that's good, but talk to him some more about this and try to understand why he doesnt' want to see his child, i'm not gonna bash him, sure i think it's important that he be in his childs life, but he may have reasons for his actions, so talk to him about this and whatever his stand is, you may want to just grin and bear it and deal with his decision unless you want to risk loosing him yourself,

Answer 10

Your husband should be mature enough to take care of his responsibilities to begin with. This shows you how he really is. It is rediculous that he is like that. Afterall, it is his daughter no matter what the situation may be. I would contact them for the sake of your son and their daughter. You are showing that you care about his responsibility. However, you should not have to be the one to do it. Maybe if he sees that you are taking it upon yourself to deal with it, he may eventually show an interest. Even though the woman knew about you, it doesn't have anything to do with the child. The child is innocent of all of the wrong doing. You are showing that you are mature enough to do what is right even though it is not your responsibility.