Yesterday, I asked my mom to try to talk to my husband about our problems. Was I wrong for that?

Question

If you have read any of my posts then you know that we have some serious marriage issues. He has cheated twice, has a porn addiction (although he says he has not viewed any porn in a few months) and he lies about the simplest things. Also, he feels that I should have taken the time I needed to get over the infedelity incident before asking him to come home and try to work things out. Another huge issue is that he feels that he should be able to stay out late with his single and married friends and do whatever as long as he's not messing with other women. He said me wanting to set guidelines in the marriage is only an effort to control him. Everything I do, he accuses me of trying to control him. So yesterday I asked my mom to try to talk to him since I can't seem to get through to him. She talked to him face to face and she did not point fingers at him directly. She basically told him we need to go see a counselor to help us. He told her he doesn't believe in counselors.

I am already in counseling. I suggested we talk to someone within his faith (JHW). His mom suggested it to him as well and when I mentioned it to him he told me he needs to think about it. What is there to think about? Your marriage is failing. He said he was going to take time to think about it and that I cannot make him decide to seek counseling. My mom also touched on the infedelity issue saying I need time to heal and although she understands that he doesn’t want me to throw it in his face, that I have been hurt and the trust has been broken. I eventually intervened in the conversation and my mom said she was done talking. So then he proceeded to leave. He wasn’t really saying anything to my mom. When I tried to talk to him he gave me the dirtiest look. He rolled his eyes at me just kept saying what do you want? My mom is convinced that he is just playing games with me and only wants to do what he wants, and he wants me to shut my mouth and let him do what makes him happy.

Answer 1

Your mom is right. If your marriage means anything to him, he will respect your wishes and feelings. He is the one who messed up and he should be doing everything in his power to help you overcome what he did. It will take you a very long time to get through that. He is making it worse by going out. That is the last thing he should be doing! I would tell him that he messed up, he has to prove himself to you again, and he isn't doing so. Tell him that you are being a bit controlling bc that is what he is making you do. He cannot be trusted, therefore you have to be controlling a little. If he had self control then you wouldn't have to be. Tell him you are doing everything in your power to make the marriage work, and he should be doing the same. One person cannot so it, it takes the both of you. I would tell him to either change and do what it takes or I am leaving. It isn't worth you investing so much effort and allowing him to just bring you back to the same place you were in.You are just wasting your time. No you were not wrong bc all you are doing is trying to save your marriage.

Answer 2

I'm not sure what you think your mom can do. If he doesn't want to work it out, he doesn't want to work it out. It probably irritated him that you went to your mom. It would seem your mother is right about him though. He's not serious about saving your marriage. He wants to live the single life with the security of a wife at home. You have a choice to make. Stop making this about his choices and make it about yours. Are you going to spend any more time trying to get him to see the light? He already knows how you feel and he doesn't care. He sees you as being a nagging wife who wants to control him. He is being unreasonable, but he doesn't see it and he won't. In his eyes it will always be you against him.
You say you have been going to counseling on your own for a while now. What does your counselor think? You need to explore why you are willing to put up with him.

Answer 3

The question is he happy being with u? I don't understand if u are trying so hard to make him happy then what is he complaining about? It really does sound like the both of you need to get counselling. I wanted to tell u something once a cheat always a cheat. You will be wondering where he is and who he is with. If u know what time he gets out of work and the time he should arrive home. If he doesn't come in that time then u know ur mind start wonder. I wouldn't be able to live like that. There is someone else out there for u. Take it from experience. I was there @ one point in my life. I wish u the best of luck!

Answer 4

Girl you married a player and players don't and won't stop and as soon as you get that in your head the better off you will be.Your mom is right remember she has been around a lot longer then you and has seen more then you. You will never get over him cheating on you without talking to him about it,that's how we heal ourselves and if he won't help you with that then there is nothing more to say to him other then good-bye. Your marriage isn't going to work and it hasn't for a very long time so why are you wasting your time and life with a man that only thinks of himself and doesn't care about how much he has hurt you.

Answer 5

Take a good look at yourself.You picked the bum because you thought you could change him.God does not change people he's given everyone free WILL.You Picked the guy because standing close to him you look like a saint.We choose the people in our lives.If you want to help him,stop nagging so much.So what if he likes to watch porn?.As you have already noticed other women like what you don't like in him.In all of your nagging you never once mentioned one good thing about him.So the mothers are involved now eh?
Do you want a husband or a lad?Stop your bellyaching.Gosh
I would stay out too.I have a headache just listening to your words.One of these days you are going to miss him.Are you afraid that when you shut up for a moment people are going to realize that you are not as pure as you try to come across?
From the look of things you need him more than he needs you.Instead of getting angry at my words,learn from it.I do not consider myself any more than a mere human but many consider me a prophet.

Answer 6

I have not read your other posts, but it does sound like you are having some issues right now. While I understand you wanting your husband to talk to someone about your problems...your mother is probably the worst person for the job. He needs to talk to a professional that is not on either side of the situation. If you can't explain to him that your marriage is in jeopardy of ending with out some professional help then I'm sorry to say you may need to separate for a little while to show him that you are serious. Right now he has you in the house still. He may just need a swift kick in the butt to realize that you're serious about leaving if things don't change. If he is unwilling to get help for himself as well as his marriage then I would leave. You deserve to be treated with respect and to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love him.

Good luck!!

Answer 7

Girlfriend, he has issues, if he is a man of "faith" he need not treat you that way. You were not wrong to ask your mom, as she is a woman who has lots of experience and you would think a grown man would listen and take advice from his elders, but anway, if you cannot make him come half way with you in your marriage, and he doesn't even want to try, you should do what makes you happy, if you feel like you cannot be in the marriage, end it, and if you feel like he might change one day, and you have faith in him, then you do that, and maybe one day he will snap and see what a good woman you are and not hurt you anymore. I hope he changes.

Answer 8

you really need to let this fool go no matter how much you love him. He isn't treating you with any respect and wants to roam around the streets like a dog in heat. you deserve much better than that sweetie. Although I don't think getting your mom involved in your marriage is necessarily a good thing. If counseling is not helping or he is unwilling to committ to it then your going to have to think of your other options and think about your self worth! I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 9

Your influence in this situation is limited. If you accept this fact perhaps you will be less worried about it. Not all marriages are successful, in many cities most are not. that's the new environment we live in. So statsitically divorce is more common than life long marrigae.
If relationship/communication is bad it is sometimes better for everyone, including the kids, that the parents separate. Hope this helps, just remmber both YOUR FATHER AND YOUR MOTHER love you very much and always remember that what they are going through has nothing to do with you and is not your fault in any way (many kids wrongfully feel it is)

Answer 10

It's hard to say, but it sounds as if he's not that interested in your marriage. It's hard to get over infedelity but it can be done, with the TWO of you. Maybe you need to sit down with him and just put it out there. "Either we decide to make this work together as a team, or we walk away"