having trouble with my kid's.....?

Question

i have a 7 and a 4 and their daddy and i are going through a divorce and we have been split up for over a year now and i'm with another guy...i know it is hard for them..i try to cut them some slack but when they come back form his house they don't listen to me they don't get a long with my b/f and me and him fight about it...sometimes i think he's to hard on them...i know they hurt because of all this.i want help them and comfort them but don't know how....sometimes i think they hate me for all of this......my girls use to be close to me but now they would rather live with their daddy.......i don't know what to do..someone please give me advice......

Answer 1

My advice: No boyfriends....you're #1 responsibility is the children. You brought them into the world & now their secure world is torn apart. Sorry. After they turn 18, you can date...Find the joy in your children, in providing for them, comforting them and being completely involved in their lives. A "substitute" dad is not the way to do this. They need YOU and your ex. This is a turning point - an opportunity to make a difference and raise mentally healthy, intelligent human beings, who will grow to make a difference in the world....don't blow it for them, for yourself or for the future.... Good Luck.

Answer 2

Lisa, this is going to be a hard pill to swallow, but this is what must be. Right now everything MUST be about your kids. I know you want a life of your own, etc, but having a boyfriend - and a live-in one at that - is not helping. Your kids are having their whole world turn upside down and their very security is threatened. They don't know from one minute to the next what's going to happen to them. Also it's very probable that your ex is poisoning them against you. I would think that for now, you may want to distance yourself from your bf a bit. If he lives in, ask him to move out - not saying break up, but it's only been a year. Give it some time. You can always visit him at his place and leave the girls with family from time to time. But it's as if you are trying to replace their daddy with this man, and if he's hard on them - which he has no right, he's not even your husband - that only makes it worse. They probably think - and are being told - that you love this guy more than you love them. Trust me on this. They are young, and your life should be about what's good for THEM. And I'm sorry, 1 year just isn't long enough to have this serious of a relationship especially since you aren't even divorced yet. This is not about you, it's about raising healthy, stable children. Good luck.

Answer 3

A good start would be to back way off from your boyfriend. A boyfriend has no business being involved in the discipline of his girlfriend's children. At some point you may want to discuss what you'd feel comfortable with when he becomes their step-father, but since you did not call him your fiance, I must assume you're not even engaged. If he's living with you, tell him your relationship with your daughters needs work, and ask him to move out at least until it improves. (Frankly, I recommend not living with a man before marriage if you have children, but I know that's not a popular opinion.)

As for your children, four and seven-year-olds are pretty easy to help and comfort. Ask them questions using a non-judgmental tone of voice, listen to what they say, and express an understanding of what they tell you. Then give them hugs and tell them what you plan to do to try to make things better for them.

Answer 4

You do not have to dump your bf. Your daughters are seeing him as their fathers replacement. My daughter always has an attitude problem when she comes home, and it has nothing to do with my bf, it has everything to do with how she is treated at her dads, and what her dad says about me and my bf. Maybe you should let their dad know that he has to be more careful about what he says in front of the girls. They may be young, but let me tell you they remember everything that they hear their parents say! They learn from example and as far as I'm concerned, they are seeing the wrong example (or hearing) from their father. Of course they would rather live with daddy, he feels guilty for not being there for them everyday, so he gives them what they want when he is there. And probable lets them do what ever they want while they are there, which means they don't want to come back to reality (your house) and have rules again. Trust me.....I've been doing this for 10 years now with my 11 year old daughter! It will get better, you don't need to ditch the bf.

Answer 5

i can empathize with you. it's hard, and yes, especially for the kids. maybe your boyfriend and you have a strong relationship but look at it this way, if he and your children are already NOT getting along, do you see it getting better for the future? And i always find it best to just be up front with kids. no need to beat around the bush with favoritism, unnecessary discipline that they don't understand, etc...tell them exactly what's going on in the simplest way you can think of (i.e. "i don't like the behavior change when you get back from your father's"..."i'm having a hard time with the change just like you are, can we work on it together? what are some ideas we can start on?"...) it might seem harsh at first because you're probably already feeling guilty but i promise, in the long run, it's well worth it. and you're also teaching your kids to be just as honest in return because they see YOU doing it.

i hope that helps some. good luck!

Answer 6

You are getting great answers. Your boyfriend needs to be shown the door and your kids need to become your top priority. There really is not another option unless you are prepared to let your kids move in with your ex-husband.

Rebuild your relationship with your kids. If down the road a quality man comes into your life, than pursue things at the appropriate time. If not, well you and your husband made a decision that does have consequences - namely that your kids have to become before future relationships.

Answer 7

First of all how hard is your b/f on them?
Remember they are YOUR kids not his.. they are your responsiblity.
Yeah they probably do hurt because of the divorce, but instead of feeling sorry for them maybe you can find a way to help them cope. Have your ex and your b/f talk to each other (nicely) and let the kids see. If you continue to pity them, then they will continue to play you.. try some family councelling, or just tell them that you know it is hard on them, but there are some things you will not tolerate. Make sure it is you who deals with your kids.
I have kids and my husband has kids from previous marriages, and we did not punish each others kids or yell at them (unless they were doing something dangerous) The kids have to know that you are not replacing their Dad.

Answer 8

Tell the boyfriend to find something to do on his own for a day. You need to spend some alone time with your kids. While you were ready to move on & start a new relationship, your girls might feel threatened by it. They need reassurance that they are first and formost in your life nomatter who comes along. Have a just us girls day where you reconnect, so to speak. At their age you should do this at least once a week (doesn't have to be all day)Until they show signs of feeling secure again.

Answer 9

i assumed that I study she has fertility subject concerns. That on my own shouldn't make her a candidate. i think that human beings ought to ought to instruct that they are mentally and financially arranged to look after their newborn in the event that they're getting IVF. exceedingly with the better danger of having distinctive toddlers at as quickly as. think of roughly it, a individual has to bypass by using maximum of steps to instruct that they should purchase a house, a vehicle, qualify for a activity ect... yet some entire nut with a wad of money can purely save getting herself pregnant without all and sundry combating her! The wellness care expert or medical doctors who allowed this to happen ought to help those toddlers and pay back each and every of the California tax payers who ought to help those young toddlers. To Melanieb1985- No i don't think of that the state ought to decide on who can or won't be able to have toddlers. needless to say that could desire to by no skill happen. i'm asserting that with IVF and the better danger of multiples (subsequently an larger danger of very costly untimely births, larger danger of submit partom melancholy) there must be screening accomplished to the mother and father. Are they able to pay for those toddlers? Can they handle this? Why do they % to try this? maximum of toddlers are born into poverty or to mad mother and father who do not love them, why not avert that from happened as quickly as we are able to. This lady ought to by no skill have been allowed to have maximum of toddlers-no person ought to. there is no genuine way they're getting the affection and interest they %.

Answer 10

Your kids have been through hell and the divorce will affect them the rest of their lives. You shouldn't be dating AT ALL, let alone before your divorce is final. Time for you to stop being selfish, and concentrate on being a MOM, leave your lovelife til your youngest is 18. Maybe being with dad is a better place for them...