My ex and I have shared custody of our beautiful children who I adore. I spend all three of my days per week doing all kinds of fun activities with the children... skating, kung fu, Renaissance Festival, Movies, parks, and spending lots of time at Grandma and Grandpa's house :-) The problem is that she always has something to complain about come Sunday when she picks them up. This time it was because one of our children had a accident (poo poo) in her pants while my ex was watching her. She says this is my fault because I am a bad father somehow. What do I do? I've tried to reason with her and ignore her but it just doesn't seem to work. Any insight from those of you who know... or ideas from those who don't?
2007-07-15 20:06:56 · 14 answers · asked by Red Dragon 2007 {Free Palestine} 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This conversation actually happened over the phone... which she decided to call while I was sleeping, lol.
2007-07-15 22:18:49 · update #1
I have shared custody means I have them close to half the time and she has them the other half :-)
2007-07-15 22:21:35 · update #2
My ex left me for another man (not complaining just stating this fact)
2007-07-15 22:22:38 · update #3
I am watching the kids on my time, though my parents babysit for me while I am sleeping or at work (I work third shift). My ex left me for another man and puts the kids in daycare... so she has her days covered that way.
2007-07-15 22:24:54 · update #4
Just pray to Allah SWT and He will guide you to the answer.
2007-07-15 21:05:06 · answer #1 · answered by Proud Mommy 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The only time my husband hears from his ex is when:
1) she needs him to pay a bill;
2) she wants to tell him that he is doing something wrong;
3) she lets him know that she will not be abiding by the court order for whatever reason she has decided is valid.
There is nothing that my husband can do or say that is right where she is concerned. I truly think that the problem is that she and he see things entirely differently. He actually follows the rules, she ignores them or makes up her own.
You may not ever be able to have anything other than strained civility. Just keep to the moral high ground. I am really curious about how the child having an accident while in the care of your ex was the fault of your bad parenting; is it because you ended the marriage? That can unfortunately leave lingering feelings of resentment, and if so, you need to give her time to get past it. It doesn't happen overnight.
One thing I would do is talk with her while the children are somewhere else and agree to not talk badly about one another to the kids. They are having enough challenges with your divorce, hearing you two talk trash about one another will only make it worse.
In spite of our situation, we always choose the moral high ground, even though it is galling at times. (I mean teeth-knashingly so) It is better for my husband's kid, and that is who is important now. If your ex chooses not to see it that way there is nothing that you can do other than keep a written record of her behavior. That way if you need to go to court because this becomes ugly you have documentation.
Try talking to her first and see if you can't come to some sort of truce. It's okay to complain about things that happen; it's another thing entirely to attribute the other person's bad parenting for all the challenging things that happen. That doesn't solve the problem, and only creates bad feelings.
Good luck - I hope that you are able to work this out.
2007-07-15 20:27:23 · answer #2 · answered by Lili Montegue 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
OK - I'm consulting my wife here, who is an ex-wife herself.
Bottom line, don't listen to her. If you are being a good parent to your children, it doesn't matter what she says. She's obviously insecure. If you couldn't reason with her when you were married (which is obvious because you're now divorced), what chance will you have now that you're not married anymore? That's what I say to myself when my ex-husband is being a complete idiot. It's obvious your ex is very unhappy, and there is nothing you can do to make her happy at this point. Just keep being the good father that you're being, and IGNORE her. But, be aware that if she's doing this, she could be trying to undermine your relationship with your children. DO NOT let her do that, under any circumstances. Good luck, and be happy.
2007-07-15 20:12:00 · answer #3 · answered by Russell F 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't argue with your Ex that is what she is trying to get you to do. It sounds like she is jealous of your relationship with your children. Do you and she have a cordial relationship? Do you get along if so maybe you could invite her to go along with you and the kids (if nothing more than a time or two). If this is not possible then just don't engange in an arguement for the kids' sake.
Don't EVER bad mouth each other or use the kids as pawns. Kids as the ones who ultimately get hurt then they sometimes get negative feeling toward that parent.
If you and your ex can always think of the kids' needs first before yourselves and any of the problems that made you get divorced in the first place. Your kids will grow up to be loving and understanding individuals.
Good luck
2007-07-15 20:16:58 · answer #4 · answered by Miss Muffet 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
In a situation as yours there always seems to be one who is still bitter about the breakdown of a realtionship.Wether it's guilt or something else I don't know..only time will improve your relationship with your ex...Explain to her she should not argue with you in front of the children...She can see you with the kids going out and having fun on your days with them but she has the responsabilty of raising them all week.Try and talk to her, without either of you getting upset over trivial things like poo poos! That is no big deal.. She is hurting I feel.
2007-07-15 20:15:30 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My heart goes out to you. I have an ex who's the same way. Have you considered suing her for full custody of the children? It sounds like she's unstable. (All young kids have poo poo or pee pee accidents from time to time, they just get too involved in what they're having fun doing to remember to go to the bathroom. That is in no way your fault and it doesn't make you a bad dad). Your ex needs a therapist, but I know you can't make her go to one. However, I think if you kept a journal of all the weird things she does, you could convince a judge that you should have full time custody of your kids.
2007-07-15 20:21:18 · answer #6 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She'll be more critical of you because of her general feelings towards you. You could be doing a great job and she'll still find somthing to be mad about. However I would be mad too if you weren't watching the kids on your time. I was a step mom to a wonderful little boy and we were very close, but his mother always found somthing to be angry about. Me and him grew sunflowers one summer and he was so proud of them and when his mom came to pick him up he gave her one. As soon as he mention that he and I grew them together she just tossed in the back seat window of the car. He was only 5 at the time and it really hurt his feelings. Only time will tell if she gets over her issues with you. Just enjoy and take care of your kids and don't use them against her.Never bad mouth her in front of the kids either. She could be angry that the kids are actually enjoying their time with you. Just ignore her, your kids is all that matters now. Accidents happen.
2007-07-15 20:17:39 · answer #7 · answered by spiffymo 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Its not you, its her. She is very jealous of your relationship with your children. She see your children happy and they share with her all the things you do with them and she feels as if she is left out. She is just an angry, lonely lady. She wants you to be unhappy, like she is. Just smile and move on and don't let it bother you, CZ when she knows it does she will continue her behavior. try validating it. Yeah, I guess it is my fault, I am working on being a better father, thank you for pointing that out. Kiss the children and say good bye her and you could try saying something nice to her, like the children told me you did this or that and how much they loved it. or tell her the children miss her a lot when they are with you or she looks good. reverse the negative to a positive. Smile your doing good and you are not a bad father. Bless you for spending quality time and not just time with your children
2007-07-15 20:29:04 · answer #8 · answered by livelovelaugh 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Continue to Ignore her. She sounds bitter with nothing else to do. You sound like the perfect kind of father who does alot with his children, just be sure to discipline them when they need to, otherwise she'll just have even more to say. But accidents are nobody's fault at all and she needs to let things go.
2007-07-15 20:11:47 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
you may not like my answer, but perhaps she is finding it tough, she sees you and the kids doing lots of fun stuff, where as she is mom, cooking cleaning washing ironing etc and has the daily grind and you sweep in like santa claus and then drop them off again, children having "accidents" is usually a sign of upset in their little lives too, are your children seeing the conflict, sensing pending upset when they are returned? you are obviously a caring father, do the right thing here, speak, amicably to your ex about the effect this is having and find a resoloution, its in everyones best interest long term, not just the childrens
2007-07-15 21:02:58 · answer #10 · answered by ♠ Merlin ♠ 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You sound like a great dad. Ignore her she seems like a bitter old lady maybe she is jealous of you. Just a thought.
2007-07-15 20:19:53 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋