So far i got this.
The sun goes up but I don’t rise,
I stay in bed and close my eyes,
I perceive what others don’t,
I imagine what others won’t,
Thoughts set free,
Troubles confined,
Sorrows vanish,
Pain left behind,
I am in command,
I am in power,
What I demand,
Is done within the hour,
2007-07-15 19:39:48 · 10 answers · asked by Taylor 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
There is nothing to anchor a reader. No image, lots of abstractions, so much telling, so little showing. The rhyme scheme and the meter are a mess.
Now put it to some catchy music and make a million dollars. ...but a poem this remains not.
2007-07-16 04:00:29 · answer #1 · answered by Dancing Bee 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Your poem starts out okay...although rhymed couplets are hard to pull off...but your second set falls flat because you've changed the beat. The second stanza is a completely different style and although I see where your theme was going, your changing styles didn't assist it getting there. There is more you need to fill in or you'll lose the reader.
How did you get from "thoughts set free" to "what I demand Is done within the hour"? You lost us.
Start over, be consistent, convey your thoughts with clarity.
2007-07-18 19:06:27 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know it might seem like you are out of ideas or you wouldn't be asking for help, but you have a very nice poem here. I can't write anything that rhymes, and yours really does sound good. I hope this little bit of encouragement will inspire you to continue, and I would love to see another post asking for feedback when the you have the completed poem.
Keep up the good work!
2007-07-15 19:47:12 · answer #3 · answered by Smoothie 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well, honestly it is a great start! My suggestion: I think you should try to convey your meaning more. It is hard for me to understand what you are writing about.
Keep up the great work and don't get discouraged!
2007-07-15 19:47:18 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I big myself up in poetic verse.
With talk of my powers, as my writing gets worse.
I think I am deep, yet my philosophy's mild.
I'm on Yahoo Answers with the mind of a child.
2007-07-15 19:46:26 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Your rhyme scheme is a little random.
You've got aabb cdce fgfg.
If you're going to rhyme, you should be consistent.
2007-07-15 19:56:29 · answer #6 · answered by Ronnie 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think it sounds great but its you poem u sholdnt have anyone help you its ur art noone elses. great job!
2007-07-15 20:00:20 · answer #7 · answered by lilsmurf920 2 · 0⤊ 3⤋
Love it .
2007-07-15 19:41:48 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
that was aweful. what the hell does that even mean?
2007-07-15 19:42:00 · answer #9 · answered by mermaid 3 · 3⤊ 3⤋
cool i injoyed it...%)
2007-07-15 19:49:44 · answer #10 · answered by Ashu 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋