Trying to figure out why ex wife had an affair and left me?

Question

I think I just figured it out. Married for 18 years. I asked her why and she told me that when she figures it out she will tell me. I'm a great father and was a good husband. I think she lacked big time in self esteem. She had a eating disorder in highschool. I told her when she left me how I always told her how beautiful she was. Her response.. If you don't feel it on the inside it doesn't matter. She was also raped in highschool and molested by her step brother. Could I have found a big piece to my puzzle? She lacked self esteem and heres a new guy telling her who knows what. what do you think??thank you

Answer 1

my opinion.. you've been together for 18 years. You told her how beautiful she was all the time ( and thats a good thing ) but alot of women feel like their husbands say it more out of obligation than anything else. Don't beat yourself up over anything. People cheat when they are insecure about themselves. and that has nothing to do with you. I dont know if you want your wife back or not but i would suggest some couples therapy. More for her than you. But if she isn't sure why she left you then it couldn't hurt for her to talk to a therapist and maybe get some stuff out that she didnt even know was bottled up. You sound like a nice guy so maybe she got insecure and thought she wasn't good enough for you or something. Did she lower her standards with this new guy?

Answer 2

sometimes peope are selfish. "the grass is greener" mentality.

However..before you settle on that answer....explore counseling and look into depression....I agree with some of the others who have answered... that could be playing a big part< esp after 18 yrs. She has also shown other signs of mental issues of different types in her younger days.

sometimes people grow apart. Maybe your words lost meaning because their was no action behind them. Maybe she didn't see you trying, maybe you didn't try hard enough..... pass the salt, how's your day, you look beautiful, did you pick up the dry cleaning? Wear you overbearing and smothery? that cansometimes do it too.

Not saying what happened was right but maybe she saw that as the only way you would let her go? People do selfish things when they feel trapped. mentally or emotionally.

Her having the affair and leaving doesn't mean you did anything wrong or that you are a bad person...she chose a bad way to get out of a relationship she no longer wanted to be in...

but get counseling for you at least. Maybe you could have done something differnt..address it now before you try to get into another relationship...

Answer 3

Sure. I do think that our childhood years makes a huge difference in how we interact with others. So, that very well could be part of the problem. She was disrespected, therefore she is disrespecting you because that is all she knows. Not only was her affair disrespectful, but her response about "when she figures it out she will tell you" was very rude. You deserve an explanation for that kind of deception.

I hope you find the answers that you seek, but even if you never find out, you are better off this way. Sounds to me like you were pretty good to her. Take care and hope this helps.

Answer 4

I even have been advised that to forgive some thing means which you intend to on no account carry it up returned. you will certainly would desire to hunt your coronary heart approximately this before you're making this determination. oftentimes i'd inform you there is on no account a stable reason to cheat and that i stand with the help of that . yet there's a lot occurring on your letter, i've got faith compelled to show which you the two have issues to artwork directly to make your marriage artwork. apparently which you have made each and every thing else on your existence a concern, different than the single element that would desire to be first: Your Marriage and kin. And fault lies on the two facets in that comprehend.You became married on your artwork in a vogue, and your spouse became harm and strayed exterior of your marriage. the actual incontrovertible fact which you 2 have had some super cases because of the fact the affair is super progression, i'm not blaming you for the affair, i'm asking you to look at what you have finished distinctive to make your spouse sense greater enjoyed? Your spouse could have talked to you and given you an option to repair the challenge, and for in spite of reason she did not, so now the ball is on your court to have the marriage you're saying you prefer, Your spouse is attentive to you have been harm, and you sound like a real get up guy to maintain all this from the youngsters. i does not blame you for knocking the **** out of this guy, yet i'd inspire you to hunt for counseling to get previous this, and artwork on being a kin returned. rather of nerve-racking approximately waking your spouse up once you get finished working overdue, and sound asleep upstairs, perhaps you may wake her up besides make like to her, and bear in innovations why you 2 fell in love, sorry, this would possibly not be precisely what you had to pay attention, yet i wish it has helped. You sound such as you relatively love her, i wish she is attentive to how fortunate she relatively is.

Answer 5

I was married to a man who was suffering from Clinical Depression, but neither one of us knew it at the time. When a person is depressed, it is common that they change one thing after another in their lives trying to make themselves happy. Job, friends, house, spouse. It all is in vain. But sometimes, (as in the case with my ex-husband,) they don't figure out the true cause for their unhappiness until it's too late.
I recommend counseling and the counselor may recommend medication if Clinical Depression is the problem. Her history tells me that there is most probably quite a lot eating away at her.

Answer 6

well, you wrote a lot about her but what about you??? Perhaps u were a good husband and a father... but you were missed something??? did u ever cheat on her?? did u stay out late or make her doubt your love for her??? Perhaps she was just bored with you... It doesn't sound like the two of you were very close.. or you would of known... she was looking out side the marriage...
At this point WHY? does it matter.. ?????
If you love her go after her... if not.. then move on... and don't look back except for your children...

Answer 7

Even if this is one sided, I would say she has issues that you are not properly trained to deal with. Your love and support can only take you so far. Love her from a distance, be friends with her and try to suggest medical (mental) help for her, and move on. If she comes back healed before you find someone else, take it real slow. Otherwise, there are plenty of women out there that will appreciate a good man. And will treat you the way you should be treated if you treat them well.

Answer 8

When you're married for a long time you feel trapped and you want explore more options. Maybe this is why she left, but if you really love her and she really loves you, she'll come back. I think you should try to get her back or either explore your options. I'm sure there's somebody out there who will appriciate what you say. Try to get over her. You will feel much better when you do. Find someone new. I think you owe that to yourself.

Answer 9

pal a woman can lie to you and make you belive her bull **** this i know for a fact i was married now . divorced in.2002 over the same bull get on with your life like her she lacks many things just like my.ex. does something called morals. as well feelings toward you in my opion you can do better. my opion?

Answer 10

I think you are in denial and reaching for anything that makes sense rather than looking at yourself. Maybe she just wasn't happy with you!