Despairing over my teenager?

Question

I'm having real problems with my teenager, they are very rude and defiant,speaking to me nastily and doing things I've expressly asked them not to do,and refusing to do things I have asked them to do.

I try really hard not to but often I just end up getting really angry at their disrespect and defiance.

The whole situation is making us both miserable, and I'm just losing the will to carry on, I feel like I have no rights as a parent, that everything I say and do is wrong and I'm condemned to just putting up with it forever more.

I feel utterly powerless.

I don't want my teen to be unhappy and I don't want to feel so despairing about our relationship.

I have no idea what to do.

Please help.

Thank you all for your answers.
I'm not a single parent,but my husband works away for long periods of time,so I often feel like I am.
He is about to go away again soon for the entirety of the summer holidays and I am totally dreading it as it will be hell.
He finds our teenager just as difficult to deal with as I do,if not more so.
Yes,I do blame myself for it all, I feel I should have been more consistent with discipline when they were younger.
There is just so much stress and aggro over the most basic of issues that it is becoming soul destroying, and undoubtedly for my teen too.
Sometimes we'll go through a big scene over something, and I'll try and explain to them WHY I need them to do/not to do something, so they understand that I'm not just being nasty or restrictive to them, or asking unfair things of them, and it'll seem to be sorted out, but then next day you are right back to the same exact thing again.
Like I said, I am seriously, seriously in despair.

Answer 1

Welcome to parenthood!

Answer 2

Hi there,
Can see where you are coming from. I have two sons aged 17 and 13. The 13 year old is fine apart from the occasional backchat which I stamp on. However my 17 year old is different. he can be aragant, rude, selfish and a pain in the back side. Can make home life very unhappy. I am strict but loving but like you feel that parents have little control these days simply becasue kids rights are more evident than ever before. You cant smack your kids these days otherwise you get accused of abuse. It's stupid as i believe a swift clip in the ear on the odd occasion can do wonders! Never did any harm years ago. I don't agree with beating etc but occasional clip in ear is fine. However at 17 and when he is 6 t 3 tall i cant as i am only 5 ft 4! *LOL*
I remove computers and pocket money (allowence money) if he gets too bad. Thankfully he has calmed down but a year ago he was horrid.

Many folk tell me it;s their hormones etc. Well we were never like it years ago were we? If I spoke to people then the way teenagers (some not all) do then my parents would have belted me! trouble is that schools have no real discipline like years ago. When i was at school there was the cane and slipper if you stepped out of line. Now all there is , is detension which is no real deterreant is it. So with schools and parents having less control it is no wonder some teenagers rebel.
MY son knows he is on a final warning and if he stepped out of line too badly then he will be finding somewhere else to live. Since i said that he is being much better.

Answer 3

This is only a small piece of advice but I hope it helps.

Everytime you have an arguement it seems that this happens mostly at home. Can I suggest that you go out somewhere where with an open space. Start from the beginning (take one hell of a deep breath first) but start off by stating to your teen that you love them so so much and that you miss them and wished that you two could have the relationship you once had before they turned teen.

Try and put a few scenarios before them about what life could really be like if you and your husband were not there anymore.

I believe that the most important thing right now is that your teen still knows that you love him/her.

Maybe you could try the ultimate silence treatment and not speak a word until your teen apologises.

I understand that this is very difficult for you and can only wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 4

The good old teenage years. I remember them well. You really have to look at the psychology of a teenager to understand the thought process. The difference once they hit puberty is that they class themselves as an adult. Would you as an adult like your Mother bossing you around and constantly telling you how to behave? Probably not and that is why most teenagers end up arguing constantly. To make your child understand you have to be honest about your feelings and discuss each situation without getting angry. If he/she does something that you feel is inappropriate ask the reasons why it was done. Talk through the problems rather than just giving a rule to obey. At the moment your child won't understand you and you won't understand them as you are both adults yet the age gap will set you apart. Your child will want to be with their friends who relate to them and meeting people of the opposite sex. For you that is probably a long gone need. As I say, try to talk to your child and understand their thinking a little. If you understand and respect each other then there should be very few problems. You have to respect your child's opinion too though or they will fail to respect yours.

Answer 5

It is normal for you to get angry when your teen is disrespectful or defiant. You need to get you and your teen to a family therapist right away and you may need to get on an antidepressant to help you get through this difficult time.

For whatever the reason that caused this situation, feeling despair and losing the will to carry on is a bad sign and you may already be Depressed.

You are not condemned to putting up with your teens behavior forever. In fact, you never had to put up with your teens behavior. It was never your responsibility to make your child happy but to raise them to be disciplined and responsible adults. As disciplined, responsible adults they have the opportunity to find there own happiness. Most adults that are disciplined and responsible are that way because their parents gave them meaningful negative consequences when they misbehaved.

Don't feel alone. Many parents are in your position because of the unrealistic messages that parts of society give to parents about how they "should" raise their children.

Answer 6

Hi there Distressedviolet, I know what you are going through. Kids can be like that when they reach the teenage years. All four of mine were like it. There seems to be a switch somewhere that turns them into monsters when they become teenagers. It can be very difficult at times...and dont you just wish that you didnt love them un-conditionally??? You need to start adopting some psychology now that they are getting bigger and harder to handle. They are still children and need to be shown what is right and wrong, and that wrong will be punished. They may say they hate you at times, and be utterly complete pains; but they dont really mean it...so try not to take it too personally. Believe me, they do grow out of it.
The following website may be of great help to you. It also has a message board where you can contact other parents who are going through similar experiences. Hang on in there...I wish you all the best :o)
http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk/

Answer 7

Oh I really feel for you honey.I have been there,,I had two stokes,and it still continued.The shouting,disrespect ,I too felt powerless.I read books looking for answers,phoned parent line plus on many many occasions.I tried and stuck to various ways of dealing with it.My partner would always override me which only added to it.Last October I told him to go as he was adding fuel to the fire.I stopped doing her washing,if I cook she does the dishes.She still tried the dramas,and I would say you know what I will discuss that issue with you in a hour or not as the case may be.Slowly she was getting the message,then she assaulted me,I was badly bruised its ironic but if I had done it to her I would be in jail now.So it was back to base again on the boundaries its has been hard but now she knows how far she can go.Good luck it will go your way in the end.

Answer 8

I think a lot of the behaviour problems will be because of your husband not being around often. I had exactly the same problem with my son .My husband was in the navy .My son was an only child for 18 years, partly because of his behaviour problems but I had a baby girl when my husband came out of navy she is now 20 and has been an absolute gem because her dad was here for her at all times .I have also found this theory with other mums in similar circumstances.

Answer 9

maybe they need to fell unhappy it sound like you have spoiled them So take the thing s away that they enjoy love and desire. Show them the real world. Have someone scare the **** out of them and I mean scare them to the point where they feel that there lives are about to come to an end let them see that people will hurt them because of there disrespect. and do it in a way that nobody but you knows what is happening this way there is no cops to deal with.

Answer 10

We don't have the answers. All families are different.

From what you've written you have tried some things that don't work. You may need to try something else. Is it possible to have any sort of conversation with him/her? Can they explain what their problem is? Are they able to understand the long- and short-term consequences of their behaviours? For example, they may get short-term gratification form being "awkward", but the long-term effects on the family are negative. Are you able to make clear examples of long-term effects (e.g. effects on trust, effects on your social life,...) that would help explain what's going on?

Can you unite with your teenager to overcome the problems of periods of absence of your partner? Can you and your teenager communicate with your partner, when they are away, to increase the bonding?

None of the above may be appropriate responses, they are just my responses based on my, different, experiences.

Good luck.

Answer 11

Are you a single parent?

Anyways the main point is she is living under YOUR roof and she should be listening to you. You just have to remember who should be calling the rules and who should be listening to them.

But you have to double check if you are being reasonable with your kids. If you are too strict with them, they end up not listening to you at all. Listen to what your teen has to say and make the best decisions for both of you. Talk to your teen. Arguing doesn't help any better.

Have you heard of grounding or punishment? after all you're the one who's making the rules here. So if you want her to listen, get her to listen and do what you got to do. If she doesn't follow, ground her or don't give him/her pocket money, If he/she wants her allowance and prefer not to be grounded, he/she will start following your rules. Don't give up on your teen. They'll be thrilled if you do that.

So let your teen know who's the provider and get some respect that you deserve.