High (comments welcome)?

Question

In my pool of apple cider
A sugar cookie is my raft
Just dance the flame a random lighter
And breathe in the sweet smoke draft

There my problems seem so pale
Where trees are chocolates of dark brown
Just breathe in and exhale
And all day I'm upside down


Comments welcome

Answer 1

Not bad, I like the hidden description of how you feel that are entwined in the poem they made my mind go for a little trip.

Answer 2

Can I have some of that? :)

Seriously, I like it.

In my pool of apple cider
A sugar cookie is my raft
Just dance the flame a random lighter
Breathe in the sweet smoke draft

There my problems seem so pale
Trees are chocolates of dark brown
Just breathe in and now exhale
All day I'm upside down

:)

And I'll just bet you are!
Fun poem.

Answer 3

Your poem has potential, but also has a consistancy/beat problem...you've started out trochee, iambic, iambic, trochee in the first stanza, then the second stanza is trochee, iambic, trochee...except there aren't enough beats, then finish with trochee. So...you need to change the third line in the second stanza to iambic and add a beat..."just breathe in deep and then exhale" would fix it, but anything along those lines would work.

otherwise, cool poem.

Answer 4

Very visual. I liked your images here. Good poem.

Where trees are chocolates of dark brown

That was a vey good line.

Answer 5

Your poem reminds me of a film, The Ballad of Jack and Rose.

Answer 6

I'm going to start a campaign - The possessive personal pronoun is back. III love your poem Blue. "I'm happy I dared." "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?"

Answer 7

Uhhh... Smoke 'em if you got 'em is the only thing that comes to mind.

Answer 8

ooo i like it.....
It's awesome that people can write poems about food......and being high...lol.....you have a talent for this, so keep it up.

Answer 9

t.a.b?